That is how I feel right now in my studio. I also feel spaced out, sad, in a tunnel, annoyed, stimulated, connected, trippin’, wondering, fretting, wishing, needing, wanting, small amounts of aches and pains, confusion, disillusion, and light headedness.
I’ve been painting for hours, making a HUGE mess, liking lots, pushing too far on most, incorporating one discarded thing into the next. Going through moments of excitement and frusteration and getting mad at myself.
I don’t know whats got me into this mood, weather? Being in trouble all the time, at least in my mind. Should I let myself have a pass or beat myself up, each moment brings a new answer to that question. Unsettled.
I’ll admit I read the news today, and yesterday, and the day before. Everyones forgotten everything thats going on in the world. All I hear are stories about Trump and Christie. Or Thanksgiving or x-mas. I know people are supposed to only be positive around x-mas. I know it’s the jolliest time on earth. But I’ve never been able to feel that way. I don’t want to be a downer either. As a mom I feel even more pressure, but I Really don’t want any x-tra work and the babies definitely DO NOT NEED any more toys!!!!!! Really!! Also I’m not good at lying and I don’t think I will tell them a man sneeks into our house and brings them presents. I was reading this parenting book and it was saying its the moms responsibility to teach her children about the holiday spirit. I know we can make it up. We can create our own traditions.
The other night I started reading a book that was laying on the nursery floor, Jack pointed to it and wanted me to read it. It was a gift from their baptism given by a relative. “In case you ever wondered” I started trying to read it and it started saying things like “you were made by the same person who made the stars, planets, moon, sun” That person was God. I couldn’t even read it, it sounded ridiculously untrue. I tried to change the words around but I ended up closing it and reading “Goodnite Butterfly” I just can’t do it.