“What happened to the curls?”
“No more curls?” said with frown faces.
“What made you decide to cut their hair?”
“Did you cut it yourself?”
“No, I didn’t cut it myself, I took them to a salon. I did it because they needed a haircut” I say.
I’m sitting on the Floor in Fiona and Jacks school dropping them off, taking off their shoes, I’m feeling overwhelmed by the barrage of questions concerning my decision to get my children’s hair cut. I’m also thinking, “Why are you saying all of this in front of the babies? It was their first haircut. They can hear you. I don’t want them to feel self conscious, they know what hair means.” I expected a totally different reaction, like “I love their new haircuts” I say goodbye to the babies, reminded only to say their name once, and leave the classroom. I grab my dog, who’s been waiting patiently outside and we go for a walk. I am upset, what is it with hair? Especially girls hair? And why do people think it’s O.K. to question me like that? I think I’m being overly sensitive. Why does this kind of stuff affect me so much. I start to cry alittle and wonder if I’m in a permanent state of depression.
Yesterday Alan said “I know why you don’t like Christmas, it’s because this is when your mom died.” I said “Stop picking on me about Christmas.” I’m really not Anti-Christmas. I even bought Jack and Fiona some new threads to wear on Christmas day, they’re not the fufu type people love to see little girls dressed in, but they are super cute flower pants and a flower sweater Fiona loved! Jack, a really cute cardigan. Alan really wanted the babies to see santa, so we did! They cried and weren’t into it, just like I expected, but we took a family photo!
When I picked Fiona and Jack up from school I couldn’t help but notice how cute they looked with their new haircuts! Fiona’s pixie cut looks so cute, I love how little girls look with short hair cuts. When The babies were about a year old their hair was getting really straggly. I tried to cut it with scissors and it was impossible and looked crazy, I had to pull out the clippers. I gave each baby a buzz cut! They looked so cute, like little Buddha’s. Their heads were so soft, I loved rubbing them. People couldn’t believe I did it. I got the same questioning as I did this time, “Why did you do it? You’re supposed to let their hair grow” I laughed that time. I knew it was ridiculous, they’re only babies, so I shaved their heads, so what. The comments that time also were gender neutral, they were talking about both babies equally. This time it was gender specific, it was OK to cut Jack hair, I think, but not Fiona’s because she’s a girl? Do girls have to have long hair? This is 2015, I would think short hair on women would be a lot more acceptable. I’ve always fluctuated between short hair and very short hair. It’s easier to take care of and it looks better on me than long hair. Fiona and Jacks hair was in their eyes and getting ratty in the back, they don’t like me to comb it or wash it, I see no other route to take until they are old enough to take care of their own hair. The last time I was getting my hair cut I was talking to my good friend, she said, “Don’t get it cut too short, you look dykish with it too short” I was taken back by this comment. First I thought, “o-well, what’s wrong with that?” Is that a bad thing? Then I thought, that’s so dumb to stereo-type like that. As I walked Billy I wondered how I will survive in this world. I said to myself, “I’m not the bad guy here, I’m not doing anything mean or wrong, but I constantly feel like it. I constantly feel like I’m not fitting in everyone’s expectations, and they actually feel they have the right to imply this, how can I survive in this world?”
So I fluctuate between depression, rebellion, and withdraw. I just need to spend more time around intelligent free thinkers. Me and the babies for that matter. When we got home from school today and I picked up Fiona to take her to the nap room I cuddled her in my arms, she is so sweet and she looked so pretty, It made me sad because of this world we live in, I never want her or Jack to feel like they can’t be free to express themselves, to be individuals and not feel like an outsider. It’s easier to live life as a conformist, and I hope I’m not giving them a burden to bear by learning from me and my apparently unconventional ways. But I know they are sweet and good and that’s most important.When we were leaving school today Jack ran over and grabbed Fiona’s hand and they held hands walking outside the classroom. It was the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen in all my life.