“I’m not picking that up again.” I say as Jack throws his bottle on the floor. MMMM Good cup of coffee. I haven’t put on Fiona’s hearing aids yet. O.K. On, done with their bottles they cried so hard in the five minutes it took to make them. Only drinking a tiny bit. Twins are exhausting. It does get harder. I received this e-mail about a piece I shared on the twin club FB page. My piece was censored and removed. The name of the person who sent the e-mail being withheld to respect privacy, name of club not being said out of respect. She writes: “We also try to keep things a little more positive and encouraging for our members since having twins can be overwhelming( especially new twins) and we would like people to feel supported and feel like they can do this. Because they can and it does get easier!” I agree, anyone can, but it does not get easier. It gets more overwhelming and I think this is information people having twins need to know. They need to be scared shitless. I wake up this morning, slept good, still sore and groggy. Babies awake. Walk into nursery, need to find new ways to pick up Jack and Fiona, hands hurt from picking up traditional way, back hurts from leaning over picking up awkward ways to protect thumb joints, hips hurt from carrying a 20 and 30 pound baby up and down stairs, putting into car seats, high chairs. Tired from the never ending mess, mess that if I let go one day becomes a thick layer of crumbs and goop on floor and counter. Dishes pile high, high, high, diapers sprawling out into the sky. Infants are easy, they weigh 5 lbs., they can’t get hurt, yeah they need a lot of feedings all night and day, loss of sleep is a bitch and when I first had the babies I was overwhelmed with all the bottles, formula, breast milk, baby clothes, and dirty diapers. That phase seems like a piece of cake compared to now. Maybe this is the no Zoloft talking, but it is annoying that someone said I needed to be more positive when I’m speaking the truth. I’m a realist, I knew having twins would be work. Everyone told me that same bullshit how it gets easier and having two is easier because they can play together. I’m gonna say it again, LIES! Sorry. Its way more work. Don’t have much time to write today. Therapy at 9:30, headed to my studio after. Need to clean kitchen, change diapers, and take a shower, oh and do laundry. Can’t forget the load in the washer again, needs to go into dryer. Don’t Forget.
Month: March 2015
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Hiking on Mt. Wittenberg, mom in front, August 2008, sky trail. Before we get to that story I change Fiona’s poopy diaper. The smell coming from the diaper pail reminds me of another story, the Greyhound bus ride from Burns, Wyoming to San Diego, California. Lynnette and I are sitting at the Greyhound Bus station. My knees are showing, I’m wearing a mini skirt and tennis shoes. A man next to me says, “Nice legs.” I’m 17, Lynnette’s 18. We spent our time in Wyoming trying new drugs. The day I arrived Lynnette and her boyfriend picked me up from The Greyhound bus stop in her maroon Volkswagen bug, her boyfriend pulled out a zip lock bag and said “Magic Mushrooms.” They tasted disgusting, (The next several times we ate them we bought tacos from Taco Johns and put the mushrooms in the taco.) I worked at Uncle Don’s potato chip factory, Lynnette worked at the truck stop, both working the graveyard shift. The morning was party time, first we’d take trucker speed or NoDoz. Then go to someone’s house and have a beer. On our days off we’d do Psychedelics. We’d drive down dirt roads and park by giant rocks, sprawling fields, stars at night. Our eyes dilated, cheeks sore from laughing. We had some cash saved up from our jobs. A hippy guy approached us outside the Bus station, “Do you guys wanna buy some acid? I need some money to buy a bus ticket.” “Yes.” We say. He hands us a sheet of acid with little rainbows printed on it. Its way more than we expected to get for the $60 bucks he took from us. Everyone stands in a line to get on board. “Goodbye Cheyenne, Goodbye Wyoming.” We take seats in the back of the bus, as usual. This is a mistake. The T.V. just comes on, XFinity is fixing our internet. “Mam can you turn on the T.V. in the living room?” He asks. “Yeah” I say. The babies are taking their nap, Alan is in the office. Sunday morning. The dizzy spells gone. Friends have shown concern over me stopping Zoloft cold turkey. I know, it’s unorthodox. I read one guys list of possible side effects when stopping anti-depressants. One was “Everything will annoy you.” I’ve found myself wondering sometimes how long crumbs would stay on the floor, trash would fall out of the trashcan, how high the dishes would pile up, how many diapers would sit on top of the diaper pails, I’m laughing as I write this. But these things do annoy me. But it got me thinking, about sexism again. It made me think about how many housewives take anti-depressants. Or are in pain or have chronic fatigue syndrome. Lynnette and I each take a whole hit, it’s a 1554 mile trip to San Diego. By sundown the acid starts to kick in. Another kid on the bus notices we’re high and we give him a hit too. We’re going through a mountain pass, down a steep hill, I can feel the bus shaking, see bright lights, I think I hear loose dirt under the tires, I think we’re skidding. We make friends with a cowboy. I’m sitting next to him, Lynnette across from me. He puts some chew in his mouth. I ask him, “What’s that.” Lynnette starts cracking up, I say, “Let me try some.” I put a brown sticky clump in my mouth, I turn green, going to puke. (#1. Reason not to sit at the back of the greyhound bus) I run to the toilet. The smell is horrific. The smell gets permanently trapped in my nostrils, forever. I’m not gonna puke. I get over it, I go back to my seat. BUZZZZZ, I fall back onto the isle out of fright and shock. Lynnette convinced the cowboy to zap me with his cattle prodder. Things are getting crazy back here. Thank god, we pull over, everyone gets off the bus to stretch their legs, been driving all night. We’re high as kites, people think we’ve been drinking, the bus driver contemplates leaving us behind but he lets us back on the bus. Next stop Las Vegas. The acid is starting to wear off, the little bit left makes the lights and cigarette smoke of Las Vegas seem unbearable. We wait on the bus, but the kid we gave the hit to is nowhere to be found. He’s probably peaking now, Lynette and I go look for him, bus driver asks us “where is he? We’re leaving soon.” We can’t find him and feel bad. We peer through the windows as we drive off to see if he starts running to catch the bus. We always wondered what ever happened to the poor kid. We get off in San Diego, exhausted, my “Friends” pick us up, say we can stay at their house. The babies will be up soon and Alan will be wanting to hang out as a family so I need to put the rest of that story on the shelf for now. There’s some really juicy parts to tell. Also the conversation I had with my mom on the sky trail will be coming soon. So many things to write about, so little time. So little time.
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We woke up at 7:30, still tired. Babies loose, running, grabbing phone, BEEP BEEP BEEP, the sound of the receiver, making milk, babies start to cry, I just can’t make it fast enough. Alan not home, stayed in south bay, went for drinks didn’t want to drive. I’m so glad. I hadn’t heard from him before I went to bed, woke up at 2:00 A.M., his truck isn’t here. Start to worry, accident? Hospital? Then I see the text. Jack whining now, play area not big enough for him, he wants to be loose to run around the whole house. I go down and explain to him, “When you’re big enough to be free then I’ll let you roam the whole house, you’re too little now Jack.” I give him a hug and they are playing nice again. Jacks been really whiny the past two days, he’s drooling, I bet it’s those molars or canines, the doc said those were a killer. I start thinking about my brother Danny. I think about looking for crawdads and frogs in the creek. Playing war in the field, but most of all our weekends with dad. We woke up on the boat, it was early, we have to work today, scraping barnacles. (The boat always needs work, I have doubts it will ever be in the water again) First we go for a walk. We climb down the ladder onto asphalt. I can smell the turpentine, stain and porta potties. I can’t remember my dad ever being with us, maybe he had a graveyard shift and left us alone, maybe he was taking one of his famous shits that seemed to last an eternity. Danny and I would sit for hours it seemed wondering what he was doing in the bathroom for so long. Walk through the boat yard, the edge of the marina, climb down the rocks onto the edge of the bay. Walking and looking for crabs. They would scurry up the rock, see us and hide. We search the ground for interesting things the tides brought in. My face feels salty, my hair damp, stringy, I don’t know how far we walked. The marina had hot chocolate machines we would hit up after our walk. One day we were with my dad, maybe waiting for a bus. Danny and I were sitting on a large cardboard box. Danny fell off, I had a comb in my mouth, dad slapped me across the face because he thought I pushed Danny off the box. I had a scar on my right cheek for years. It’s faded now. Crying and mad I sulk, I tell my dad I would never push Danny off the box. He doesn’t believe me. Danny is quiet, probably traumatized. My Dad drops us off at home, our Mom acts like we’re lucky to be back safe every time. The crows are walking on the roof across the street. Alan’s home now on the couch, probably playing a game on the iPad. The babies are taking their nap. My coffee has gone cold and bitter. I wonder if I should make a fresh pot, Alan brought me home a new jar of honey. It’s quiet again, but the house is a mess, my body is so tired, and Alan has a hangover, Jacks teething. We need to find a way to feel better. All of us, except Fiona. She’s doing great. (To do’s: Clean kitchen, Walk Billy, Take a shower) We had each other, Danny and I. Our play dough sessions were out of this world. Making boats, cloths pin people, playing frogger and gin rummy. In the uncomfortable situations we would find ourselves we could at least count on each other. “Who’s getting a spanking first?” My mom said. Danny and I sitting in the back seat of the green dodge dart. I went. We didn’t know why we were getting spankings, I guess we were bad at a restaurant or store. Danny recently told me how scared he was when I put him on my pony Chu Chu and led him around. I didn’t know. I was always a dare devil and pretty tough. Even now I feel tougher than most and sometimes stick my foot in my mouth when I advise friends to toughen up. I guess that’s what an older sister does and is. Jack and Fiona are great buds too. Everyone asks me are they best friends. “Yes” I reply. I wondered yesterday when I took Fiona out for a girls lunch if she wished Jack was with us. When I got home Ramona said Jack had been very unhappy the whole time we were gone. I didn’t ever want to be apart from Danny. I went astray during my teenage years. A few years after our mom died Danny told me he was moving to New York. I cried for days. I was so upset, maybe unnaturally so. I couldn’t imagine my life without my brother. He is my only family, besides Alan, Jack, and Fiona.