Sitting outside, in the back yard, Jack and Fiona are at Costco with my husband. I have to take a break, reflect on what I wrote this morning. It’s almost spring and flowers are beginning to dominate bare branches, I love winter flowering trees. I love the moist ground, still wet from winter rains, the decaying leaves, the new bugs and spiders, old webs that didn’t get knocked down in the winter winds, and the sun feeling closer than it has in months. I think of fertility and my experience. I wonder why I clung to beauty and that it was the goal for so long. I have judged myself daily, comparing myself to an unrealistic idea of what is beautiful? Fertility is beautiful. Being born into a beautiful new thing. I am so far from that sweet smell newborn babies have. I am so far from that beauty because I was not fertile. The image of healthy, glowing, pregnant woman? Or that sweetness of just having given birth sweet smell of placenta, baby poop, an open vagina, all bloody, sweat, and the image of the beautiful woman and her beautiful baby lying on her chest? I wanted that. I wanted to be that woman, just like a flowering winter tree, bringing new, undamaged life into the world. Natural and unscathed, “it happened so quickly, we barely tried” I would say. After the birth I would be glowing, my picture would get 1000 likes on Facebook. I would have taken the naked pictures when I was pregnant, and I would be allowed to share them on Facebook because I covered just the right spots and a naked pregnant woman is a subliminal message that propels mankind. This post would get 2000 likes. I would be a Goddess. Why are we obsessed about this? About being this? Why was I? Why was I ashamed that I could never be that goddess, my uterus broken, I was up in age, I shouldn’t even be trying to have children, “It’s not fair to the children for women to have IVF at 39, they won’t live a long enough for the child.” I read this once on Face Book. I was so upset by it and it became my truth. I was disgusting.
Month: February 2018
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I went to Fiona’s IEP yesterday. Everything went smooth, she was offered the same services as she received last year, attendance at a Total Communication preschool and speech therapy. Fiona is right on track with most of her language skills. She’s having trouble producing letter combinations of letters she can not hear, which is normal for children with hearing loss. They must memorize how to make the sound through speech therapy, the hope is that they will eventually know how to make the sounds. I asked if it will be easier to do once Fiona can read and they said “definitely”. I mentioned Fiona attending a typically developed preschool a few days a week next year to prepare her for kindergarten and the representative from her school district thought it was a great idea. I said, even if Fiona can’t hear or understand a lot of what’s going on, I was reassured that it was still beneficial, socially and to prepare her for kindergarten, the hearing world. I had forwarded the piece I wrote about Fiona and my upcoming IEP to the meeting attendees. They commented they were surprised I had so much anxiety about the IEP. They assumed I assumed Fiona would get the same services again. I didn’t know. After I left the meeting I realized Total Communication wasn’t brought up many times, and when it was I was the one bringing it up. I didn’t have a chance to gloat about my graduation from the beginning series of sign class and that now I’m an intermediate signer! I am so glad I was introduced to sign language and that I had the opportunity to take a great class. It’s the best way to fully communicate with Fiona, using both sign and auditory. I realize they are preparing Fiona for the real world, and they do train teachers in mainstream class rooms how to best teach deaf and hard of hearing. The class room experience is adjusted to make it as optimal an environment for a child with hearing loss as possible. And I know in the real-world people won’t know sign language or that they must get eye contact with Fiona for her to understand what they are saying. Fiona misses things, constantly. I wonder, why should she have to be in a non- total communication learning environment at all? She’s going to have such a more difficult time learning the same material? Fiona can’t rely on her hearing aids and FM system 100% of the time. She deserves to get the lessons as efficiently as all her class mates. The only way that deaf and hard of hearing kids get equal education is with a deaf and hard of hearing teacher. This will give them the best chance of succeeding in college and getting a good job and making it in the hearing world.
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I made valentines cards with Jack and Fiona this past weekend. I used my good paper, a roll that used to belong to Nathan Olivera, who was a famous bay area painter. Just then I picked up my phone and dialed my sons school to tell them that, that I made the cards out of a famous artists paper! The phone rang, the voice mail picked up and I hung up! I wanted to tell them that I was very disappointed that I was the only parent to make homemade valentine’s day cards with their kids. We were given instructions last week to make Valentine cards for all the kids. I was expecting Jack and Fiona to bring home an assortment of uniquely different cards from all the kids. I imagined some with little hand prints and some painted all over, some square, some in the shape of hearts. I imagined talking to Jack and Fiona about the cards, asking who gave them to you? But instead they came home with a scatter of tiny store-bought cards, a few bags of candy hearts, Band-Aids and stickers. It’s the thought that counts and Jack and Fiona loved their homemade boxes and bags filled with valentine booty. I wonder why the parents didn’t make any cards? Jack, Fiona, and I had such a good time together over the weekend making the cards. I laid out a giant piece of paper on the table first. I drew heart shapes all over it, my original idea was that jack and Fiona would fill in the hearts, but as many painting projects go we, yes of course I helped them, started painting all over the paper. I cut up lace and we glued it on. Then I took the paper out to the deck to dry. I thought it needed more so we painted more, we splattered paint, jack and Fiona took off all their clothes and rolled in the paint. They had a blast! Then I sprayed them off with cold water from the faucet. They thought that was really funny! The next day Fiona and I went to the store and bought tons of glitter and glue! In the cracks of my kitchen table glitter sparkles still. I cut out hearts from our giant painting on Nathan Olivera paper. Laid them all out like a factory production. Jack poured a whole container of glue and whole container of glitter on one painting. Fiona worked on many, she did a great job! I was left to glitter the bulk of the cards myself, but I’m not complaining. I love glitter! I don’t use glitter in my studio, I will not use glitter in my studio! But I want to! The Valentines cards dried, and they were beautiful! The hearts were all different sizes, rough around the edges! But beautiful. I was so proud of our cards! I know that Jack and Fiona were too. That must have been cool to have the most amazing valentine’s day cards at school! I just keep wondering though, why didn’t anyone else make valentine’s day cards? Aren’t these the lessons that kids remember forever? Making things for people, giving things away, spending time being creative with your parent? I took a bath yesterday afternoon, I let Jack and Fiona watch T.V. all day after school. They ate a whole box of popsicles! I saw the box hidden under a step stool this morning as I was making my breakfast. But they let me take my whole bath without interrupting me! As I lay there in the bath I saw images of our Valentine’s day cards floating around in my mind. They were all about love and giving love, making people smile, sharing creativity. I am disappointed that no one else took the magical journey I took with my four-year-old twins but I’m glad we did. It is a memory that will last forever and a tradition I will keep every Valentine’s day until they get too embarrassed to pass out funky homemade valentine’s day cards which I hope will be never!
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 