I’m doing something bad right now. I’m drinking a cup of coffee and eating cookies, it’s 1:00PM in the afternoon. There goes all that hard work on the spin bike, here comes a night of possible insomnia. But it tastes so good, so right. Now I have that rush of warmth, a full belly. One hour into my studio time. Dunce Nation and Dead Moles. Experimental Music, screeching, and hollering in the background. Already gone too far on a piece, want to keep working on it to “fix it” but we all know how that goes. Now, 2:46PM. Good painting session so far, see I told you I would feel differently again. The highs and the lows, the ups and the downs. Now the fan is on and The Bells by Lou Reed. The ambient noise is perfect for quiet awakenings, for R.I.P. Mole, and new beginnings. Perfect for reminiscing about yesterday’s daisies and tomorrows brunch. Do I come back to this moment or do I walk up the stairs to the dog house and the dead mole. “Oh no, the poor thing, Billy killed a mole. Don’t touch it. Should I bury it or throw it over the fence for the hawk or an owl? I should throw it over the fence. Poor thing, Billy killed it, it’s dead.” I tell Jack and Fiona. It’s right here, right in front of us. Happening live, I can’t hide reality. Maybe two’s too young to understand death, understand here today, gone tomorrow. I’ve never got the image of my mom’s mom lying in her casket. I imagine her in a light blue dress with a white lace collar, her casket taupe. My mom said I had to stay home because it wasn’t appropriate for little kids to look inside a casket. I’ve never seen anyone in a casket. I’ve only spread ashes. Felt the bits of bones run through my hands, had the wind blow my ancestors’ through my hair, in my mouth, on my teeth. What brought me here? The dead mole? My job as teacher to Jack and Fiona, reminding me of all my knowledge, all that I know. I had a good day in the studio today.
Category: being a mom and an artist
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(Fionas’ IEP. Having no childcare with twins.) It’s 2:25 Friday afternoon. I just heard Jack say “mama” shit! I just put them down for their nap, sat down to write and poured myself a glass of wine. Finally, a break. Maybe he’ll go back to sleep. This week went by so fast. I think the babies are already used to being with me all the time. With the lack of naps lately and no childcare we’re hardly ever apart. I didn’t have time for the studio this week. I know how much of a luxury it is to be able to afford help a few times a week. I can also respect my hard work and dedication to the studio. It is almost impossible to find the time these days without the help. So all my “advice” or “judgement about” other moms not keeping up with their own “stuff” has been thrown out the window. The only solution I see now is hitting the studio at night after the babies are asleep, but I’m too tired. The other option I’ve been contemplating is sharing my studio with the babies, setting up a corner for them. I just think they are still too young. They put too much stuff in their mouths. I think that can happen next year. I’m patient. I can wait.
Fiona had her IEP today, it’s a progress report given every six months to children in the Early Intervention program. She is doing really well, her language is developing, she is a great listener, and is really good about wearing her hearing aids. It’s so crazy because, not only do I need to be so aware and present because I have two two year olds, but one has hearing loss, which gives me an added consideration. I need to make sure she understands the questions that I ask and not just let Jack answer everything, because he will! I can never be on parenting auto-pilot, I have to be constantly on guard, engaged, managing, aware, at all times, on both levels. Dealing with twins and having a child with hearing loss. It’s intense. But they are great, I love them so much. We get along so well and have so much fun. I went to the Zoo with a dear friend of mine yesterday, she was with me every step of the way through all the years of infertility. Every time we talked on the phone for ten years she would ask, “Are you pregnant?” Once I said yes. But then I had the awful miscarriage. I used to get mad at her for asking me all the time and encouraging me to keep trying, to do anything and everything. Yesterday we were talking, it was her birthday, we had just found out Prince died. We were hit by the facts of “Life’s so short” She said “Aren’t you glad you did it?” (did everything possible to have the babies) I said, “Yes” and I am. Lots of women would tell me through the years not to have kids. “It is too much work” or “You won’t be able to be an artist” or “they grow up and don’t like you anymore” It is a lot of work, it is hard to get in the studio without help, and they may hate me when they grow up, (but I doubt it, we’re like three peas in a pod) but it’s all so worth it. There were lots of parents who said that too, that it was all worth it. And they were right.
It sounds like Jack went back to sleep! I’m stoked. When we were at the Zoo yesterday we went into the petting Zoo. They have goats, chickens, ducks, a donkey, a pig, horses, I love it there. We love it there. Fiona and Jack wanted to brush the goats, so they got their brushes. The first goat that came by us was Snickers, he was a white goat with long curled horns, short, with a big round belly. I started petting him and Jack and Fiona started brushing him. Then another goat came out with brown fur and blue eyes, Jack looked at her and got a little scared. The brown goat came around and all the sudden both goats’ faces were right by Jacks face, he got really scared and had me pick him up. I could only imagine what was going through his mind. I think he thought there were twenty goats all around his face! It was pretty funny. We went into the insect exhibit which was really cool. I thought they would be too young, but it was right up their ally. Before we went in I told them what insects they knew, “Potato bugs, caterpillars, spiders, ants, flies, bees” Wow, I thought, that’s a lot of insects! That might be our first stop next time we go to the Zoo!
There are so many things to do with little kids. It’s so funny, since I haven’t had child care one thing is for sure, Jack and Fiona are wiped out by the end of the day. They’ve been going to bed by 6:30 or 7:00! I make sure I keep them active, we spend most of our time outdoors getting dirty. The other thing they’ve had to do is go grocery shopping with me. That really tires them out. And there’s the nap factor. They take way less naps when I’m with them. Not by my choice!!! I think they just don’t want to miss out on any fun. Now they’ve been sleeping for an hour and a half, the question is should I wake them up so they’ll go to bed early? Or let them sleep risking a nine o’clock bedtime? MMM! I feel good though, even though I had brutal insomnia last night. I’m feeling OK.
They’re awake now!
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I think I heard them and I think I need to go get them soon. I had a short break, I got them down by 2:00pm, we went to a super fun playdate this morning. After I put them down I came upstairs, planning on writing. But the shelves stared back at me, the low shelves, my anxiety and stress, I need to reduce the danger. I feel like I spend most of my spare time these days putting everything that’s on shelves into boxes behind locked doors. I barely write or paint anymore. I’m constantly locking things away, childproofing, and pulling Jack and Fiona out of sinks. I spend a lot of time thinking about what they’ll get into next. They’re so fast and able. It’s Insane. It’s driving me Insane, I’m always in fight or flight mode. When they are awake I have to constantly be on the move, simultaneously preparing snacks and meals, cleaning up, playing playdough with Fiona, pushing Jack on the swing or turning on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, “Oh Tootles” or is it “Toodles?” “We need to find a mouskatool” How silly. I never watched Mickey Mouse as a little kid, my mom was anti- Disney. I have to admit I’m intrigued by the sick shit, which it really is. Especially the way none of the mouse’s have teeth. And how Minnie and Daisy Duck have eyelashes and big butts, heals, and bloomers sticking out. Did Minnie or Daisy ever have baby ducks? Now I know how moms can become totally absorbed in their children. I said it would never happen to me, that I was strong enough, but sometimes I feel like giving in, just being a mom. It takes so much energy, especially now. I think until they are three. I’ll still write and paint, but I’m not putting myself on a strict schedule for a while, a few months. The babies are awake now. Something happened a few minutes ago. I’m so paranoid, I heard a door screech. I thought there was someone in the house. I got a knife and walked out of the kitchen down the hall quietly holding the knife out like I was in a horror film. I realized it was only the bathroom door that had creaked. It’s a breezy afternoon. Kind of spooky afternoon. I put the knife back and then I started to worry about the knives, what if the babies get to the knives. I started trying to find a practical place to store the knives and nowhere worked. I started to panic before I was able to pull myself away from my own paranoia. It was intense. Now I have to go get them.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 