Sitting outside, in the back yard, Jack and Fiona are at Costco with my husband. I have to take a break, reflect on what I wrote this morning. It’s almost spring and flowers are beginning to dominate bare branches, I love winter flowering trees. I love the moist ground, still wet from winter rains, the decaying leaves, the new bugs and spiders, old webs that didn’t get knocked down in the winter winds, and the sun feeling closer than it has in months. I think of fertility and my experience. I wonder why I clung to beauty and that it was the goal for so long. I have judged myself daily, comparing myself to an unrealistic idea of what is beautiful? Fertility is beautiful. Being born into a beautiful new thing. I am so far from that sweet smell newborn babies have. I am so far from that beauty because I was not fertile. The image of healthy, glowing, pregnant woman? Or that sweetness of just having given birth sweet smell of placenta, baby poop, an open vagina, all bloody, sweat, and the image of the beautiful woman and her beautiful baby lying on her chest? I wanted that. I wanted to be that woman, just like a flowering winter tree, bringing new, undamaged life into the world. Natural and unscathed, “it happened so quickly, we barely tried” I would say. After the birth I would be glowing, my picture would get 1000 likes on Facebook. I would have taken the naked pictures when I was pregnant, and I would be allowed to share them on Facebook because I covered just the right spots and a naked pregnant woman is a subliminal message that propels mankind. This post would get 2000 likes. I would be a Goddess. Why are we obsessed about this? About being this? Why was I? Why was I ashamed that I could never be that goddess, my uterus broken, I was up in age, I shouldn’t even be trying to have children, “It’s not fair to the children for women to have IVF at 39, they won’t live a long enough for the child.” I read this once on Face Book. I was so upset by it and it became my truth. I was disgusting.
Category: birth
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I did it! I successfully dropped Jack off for his first day of preschool! It worked out perfect because Fiona didn’t have school today, so she got to “come check out Jack’s school”. To make things even cooler, I pulled them to school in their trailer with my bike. It was a quick ride, which felt shorter on my bike than in my car! It’s the most beautiful day ever, again! Fiona and I stayed for maybe fifteen minutes, then I told Jack we were leaving. He said he wanted to go home, but didn’t cry and when I told him the teachers had a special box of toys for this situation, Jack and I hugged, and said “I love you” and we went our separate ways. Fiona was a bit clingy, on our walk up the hill; she wanted me to hold her hand but I couldn’t because I was pushing the bike. I felt guilty for not being able to comfort her, but I had to tell her to toughen up. The transition is complete! Operation Twin Separation a success. I’m using my bike for commuting again, Jack and Fiona are in preschool programs, the birds are singing and the sun is shining. The perfect way to start my birthday week!!!
Yesterday after we got home from our bike ride, our first one, that was SO fun, Jack, Fiona, and I hung out in the back yard. They got their clothes off as quickly as they could, I filled up the kiddie pool, sprayed them with the hose, and gave them popsicles. It felt like I was in a dream. The warm air all around me, watching the birds in the tree’s, babies playing nice, Spring time. I had a dream the night before, two women were singing, “Oh how the world has changed”, then they kissed. I was in a deep, restful sleep. I felt joy, I felt hope, I felt that the world had changed for the better, a deep change. When I woke up I felt re-born, my brain felt amazing. I was so relaxed, it was like all my anxiety was gone, I felt normal. It was the night the clock moved an hour forward. I have been re-born with the spring, shed a layer. Last night the moon was bright yellow. It cast light on everything and shimmered through my bedroom windows. I didn’t sleep as well last night, but am still relaxed.
I want to live in peace. In peace with myself. This is my birthday wish. I am happy and appreciative of my life. I spent so much time worrying about dying, I’m looking forward to spending the rest of my life enjoying living until I die. To let go and be free of the fear of aging, of my body changing. To be free of self-consciousness about this vein or that brown spot. To not obsess over my heart, to know I’m doing the best I can and that’s good enough. I’m ready for fun again. I am ready to honor my anxiety, my difficult times, accept them as they come and move through them because there is always light at the end of any tunnel.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 