A cold night made way for a sunny day. Tiny white moths flutter around in the glimmer December sunlight. The sycamore trees bare branches reveal themselves, scattered yellow and brown leaves and a shadow, half branch, half leaf lies on the ground under the giant tree. It’s Monday, but it feels like some other day, a day not on the calendar, a new day with a new name. Crunchy leaf day or Amazing Late Fall Breezy Day, or ALFBD for short. Can a new day of the week insert itself here? On what by all historical accounts is a crazy day for many, a worry day, thinking about what to buy, what to give, where to go, when to be there. Can the ALFBD be something magical instead? A dreamy, play in the dirt, look for worms, imagine the future and the past with equal delight. My feet, forty-six years on this earth, my beautiful feet that walk on the dirt, the mud, jump on crunchy leaves. Transform my giant body into a little tiny moth fluttering around the tops of the evergreens, with no apparent direction in mind. It’s a non-stress day on a historical stress day, switched up and served. Accepted and appreciated, I like today.
Category: body
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I did it! I successfully dropped Jack off for his first day of preschool! It worked out perfect because Fiona didn’t have school today, so she got to “come check out Jack’s school”. To make things even cooler, I pulled them to school in their trailer with my bike. It was a quick ride, which felt shorter on my bike than in my car! It’s the most beautiful day ever, again! Fiona and I stayed for maybe fifteen minutes, then I told Jack we were leaving. He said he wanted to go home, but didn’t cry and when I told him the teachers had a special box of toys for this situation, Jack and I hugged, and said “I love you” and we went our separate ways. Fiona was a bit clingy, on our walk up the hill; she wanted me to hold her hand but I couldn’t because I was pushing the bike. I felt guilty for not being able to comfort her, but I had to tell her to toughen up. The transition is complete! Operation Twin Separation a success. I’m using my bike for commuting again, Jack and Fiona are in preschool programs, the birds are singing and the sun is shining. The perfect way to start my birthday week!!!
Yesterday after we got home from our bike ride, our first one, that was SO fun, Jack, Fiona, and I hung out in the back yard. They got their clothes off as quickly as they could, I filled up the kiddie pool, sprayed them with the hose, and gave them popsicles. It felt like I was in a dream. The warm air all around me, watching the birds in the tree’s, babies playing nice, Spring time. I had a dream the night before, two women were singing, “Oh how the world has changed”, then they kissed. I was in a deep, restful sleep. I felt joy, I felt hope, I felt that the world had changed for the better, a deep change. When I woke up I felt re-born, my brain felt amazing. I was so relaxed, it was like all my anxiety was gone, I felt normal. It was the night the clock moved an hour forward. I have been re-born with the spring, shed a layer. Last night the moon was bright yellow. It cast light on everything and shimmered through my bedroom windows. I didn’t sleep as well last night, but am still relaxed.
I want to live in peace. In peace with myself. This is my birthday wish. I am happy and appreciative of my life. I spent so much time worrying about dying, I’m looking forward to spending the rest of my life enjoying living until I die. To let go and be free of the fear of aging, of my body changing. To be free of self-consciousness about this vein or that brown spot. To not obsess over my heart, to know I’m doing the best I can and that’s good enough. I’m ready for fun again. I am ready to honor my anxiety, my difficult times, accept them as they come and move through them because there is always light at the end of any tunnel.
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Friday I was to get started on my application for the SFAI alumni show. I cancelled plans with a friend to stay home and work on choosing paintings, taking pictures, and writing an artist statement. I get into my studio about 11:00, let myself work on a few pieces to get through some angst I’m feeling. I had been listening to a radio program where people were calling in and expressing their feelings towards the planned parenthood hearings. A man came on the radio talking about how he thought the government shouldn’t give any money to Planned Parenthood with all his reasons behind why he thought that way, as he was talking I got really mad. I said “fuck you world and your moral highground” That same day someone had posted a video on facebook about a story of a baby who was born with an unformed skull and brain. He was a year old in the video, happy, but has started having seizures. The parents said they know he will die young. When the woman was pregnant the doctors told her she should terminate because of the deformities. At the top of the facebook share the person wrote what “selfless, wonderful people” or something to that regard. It made me angry because I feel that it would have been just as selfless to have an abortion. The baby will probably end up hooked up to machines in a hospital, that’s not quality of life. Now I know these are things I should just ignore, not let them bother me. But I have lots of personal experience with these matters. From a young age my body, pregnancy, and shame were part of me. I wrote about getting pregnant in my piece months ago, Christopher Antonio Homer https://dirtylaundryblog.com/2015/02/19/christopher-antonio-homer/ (I just read my piece thinking it was way longer than it is! That one deserves a lot more attention! I’ll update it, be on the lookout!) I would have done anything to get an abortion but I was scared and hid the pregnancy the whole nine months until I was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance to give birth to a baby without a brain, he only lived six weeks. I blocked the experience out of my mind with drugs and alcohol for several years until it was so buried I could go on with my life. The memories came flooding back three years ago during the peek of my journey trying to get pregnant, especially after the miscarriage. The reason it makes me so mad when people say they are against abortion and judge other people is because it’s so personal. The choice is the womans and hers alone. Fertility, having babies, not having babies, being a parent, are all complex and individual decisions that each person needs to make for themselves.
Needless to say I didn’t get any work done for my application and I don’t know if it’s going to happen! But taking that pressure off myself made me feel better and have more fun all weekend long!!!
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 