What thought do I start with. The small flying orange creature that just flew into my house, my notebooks laying out downstairs, almost bare. One piece of black handmade paper collage is glued on each page. I want to go down and work on them now. Jack and Fiona are not taking a nap. They are watching Toy Story. I can feel the naptimes are almost over. A little boy showed me his Dark Vader ice pack from his lunch box today as I pack up Jack’s left over lunch stuff. The teacher wants each kid to pick up their own lunch stuff. I’m the mom who comes in and picks up after her son. But I want to get to know his classmates, who he’s hanging out with. Jack spills a bucket of old daisies on the floor, they are dried out. A few sprinkled down on top of one of the girls sleeping mats. I pick up the flowers, leaving dust on the carpet, too difficult to pick up. A little girl asks me about the flowers. I say Jack picked them and brought them to school last week. He wanted to pass them out to the other kids. The girl and I talk about sewing the flowers together, making headbands. I tell the teacher she could use them to make prints. Two little ones are dosing off to sleep next to a teacher. They have their toy stuffies over their faces. I could tell a lot of them weren’t going to actually fall asleep. I put Jack and Fiona in their beds when we get home. I come upstairs. Hear them. Check on them. Soap all over the mirrors. They are not going to take a nap. I give them a bath. We read toy story and I decide to just play the movie for them so I get a break. The end of naptime. The end of naptime paintings and writings. It will now become something else. Some other piece of time carved out of motherhood. I will find it. Time will adjust. Now I have to go to my studio for a VERY SHORT TIME and make marks in my notebook.
Category: change
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I don’t mind if you watch TV, this thought flashes through my mind as I sit at my laptop. But I don’t turn on the T.V. yet. “Mama, look at this” Jack says. He’s playing with a cement truck with flashing lights. It reminds Jack of the Trucks outside working on the road in the dark with flashing lights cleaning up all the mud and dirt from the slide. It poured all night long, buckets of rain. Fast streams flowing down the hills all day, the creeks full to the top. The air warm, tropical. The moister feels good. I sit with Jack and Fiona on the couch, I don’t write. I read books, feed them more food, read more books. We’ve had an eventful day. Fiona is in the process of being transitioned into a preschool program for kids with special needs. (Is that how I should say it?) I don’t know, it’s so confusing. We have evaluations, school visits, meetings almost every day, calls to answer, calls to make. I am one step closer to the San Rafael Public School system; It seemed like this time was so far off in the distance and now here I am. Jack and Fiona are changing a lot. The most notable development is after months of being totally potty trained, they no longer are. Fiona pee’s her pants and says she’s scared to go to the bathroom and Jack pee’s on walls and inside containers and poops in his pants. This is when we are all together, meaning I am totally available to assist, turn on lights, hold their hand going to the toilet, whatever they need. I try not to react when these accidents happen for fear that they will want the negative attention. “Undue attention, Undue demands”, I read about this in a parenting book last night and want to tattoo it on my arms. I can see where I have fallen into the trap of giving too much undue attention, especially in my conscious effort to always make sure I’m praising both babies equally. I can see how this has led me down a path of Jack and Fiona making “undue demands” on me, and I fall for it to avoid the whining and leg grabbing and all the other annoying behavior a three-year-old displays when he wants something. Today my mantra is “I will not tolerate Undue Demands”!
The windows are specked with rain drops, the sky grey morning dawn. It’s 7:08AM now. I just heard Jack call for me. I am drinking my too sweet coffee, enjoying my morning of solitude. I haven’t read or watched the news today, what’s the point. I just want the nightmare to be over. I want Trump and Pence impeached and Devos, Sessions, Tillerson, Bannon, the Alt Right, gone. Can’t we find an Island to drop them all off on? It’s awful they are in power of America. I am going to focus locally now. The wind is blowing outside. I will miss the rain when it’s gone. Just like I’ll miss Jack and Fiona’s chubby little hands and cute round faces. Now I hear Fiona awake. Time to make their breakfast and go to school. I hope I have time to work in my studio today, I started some pieces yesterday that I’d like to work on. I also want to start some more large canvas paintings. Life is good. It’s gonna get better too after I institute my new mantra to live by, “I will not cave to undue demands”.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 