I start to get that feeling deep down in my gut, like I could cry. I hate everything I’ve made so far. I only had two hours to work and I’ve gone through an hour. I’m panicking, I’ve been working on the press. I decide to mix some paint, I mix some white with thick medium, some yellow. I start adding paint. I start some new pieces, with paint and collage. The creativity finally starts flowing. I stop self-critiquing, I start arriving in the moment, enjoying myself, liking what I’m making. I cover up a lot, next time I won’t cover up so much. I want to keep working but times up. I think about the week ahead and realize it will be difficult to get back into my studio. I woke up this morning at 4:30 to Jack wailing, I gave him Tylenol and a bottle of milk. I thought I should go work, but I was too tired. Before I had the babies I was in my studio every day. I worked for hours at a time. My biggest concern was not being able to work. But as the months went by and I saw how fast the babies were growing I took comfort. I knew one day soon they will be doing their own thing and I will be doing mine. This makes me sad too, if I was younger I would have more babies because it is a wonderful experience. But then I would never get into my studio. It always feels like time is running out. I need to get back to meditation.
Category: finding balance
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Dirty Laundry. Dirty Dishes. Dirty Floors: Distractions that I fight out of my mind. Babies napping now, though they may wake any time. I could write while I eat my lunch. I still may get frustrated when they wake. They may be frustrated too because they are babies. Quiet moments like these I cherish, I’m greedy for more. I worked in my studio for an hour today but that wasn’t enough time. In only three weeks Jack and Fiona will be one year old. The time is going by so fast, I don’t want to waste it. The first several months after the babies were born I was depressed, felt like I dropped everything. My whole life changed overnight. I got really worn out, I spent too much time cleaning. I felt like motherhood was bringing out the worst in me. I was a nag to my husband. I felt like all I did was change dirty diapers all day. I wanted to change and so I did. I accepted everything as it was. Let the sink be full. I take a hot bath or just relax when Jack and Fiona are sleeping. I try to enjoy every moment, even changing poopy diapers. I am fully present for Jack and Fiona and find the joy of being a mother. When I get stressed and tired I take a deep breath because, the moment will pass. Finding a sense of balance in my life with twin babies has been an introspective journey. It is a constant exercise in being aware of my thoughts, not letting worry or negativity take over. I have learned how important it is to take care of myself so I can feel good and healthy taking care of my family.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 