Category: Mommy needs a blue bear

Crunchy Blue Blue and The Early Riser

“It’s better when it’s crunchy” says Jack. He pulls his, now murky blue teddie  through his legs, positions it like a loin cloth. It’s his special thing, his favorite crunchy thing he’s ever seen. I wash it clean and the next day it’s crunchy again, just the way he likes it. Fiona has one too, Tiny. Hers is soft and smells good, she sucks her thumb and kneads Tiny with her hand. I have no reason to take Fiona’s Tiny away. Jacks on the other hand, needs immediate removal but I don’t have the heart. We have a dentist appointment in a few weeks, last time the dentist told us we need to think about letting blue blue go. That was six months ago and since that conversation Jack has only held on tighter to blue blue and made him more crunchy. What’s a mom to do with a special Blue? I told Jack and Fiona last night I would take a picture of their blues and put them in a special box. They both grabbed their blues along with many other stuffies and said, “Don’t give them away, we want them”.  My children will be the forty something year olds with their favorite, deteriorated, blues in their adult beds, or hidden in their bedside table. Who knows what conversations go on between them and their blues? Late at night, early in the morning. They are their best friends. What can a mother do?

I wish I had my child hood favorite stuffy. I had many stuffed animals I kept through the years but they all got moldy in leaky rooms. I threw them all away. I can still smell the mustiness of my old things in my memory. In the darkness of this morning I can feel the mustiness of myself. The insomniac. Every year, between the last of October and the first of November I live through 4:00AM wake ups. It leaves me dark space to remember things. The quiet space where everyone is sleeping but me. When I was a little girl I thought there was someone outside my window during these pre-dawn moments. I was scared, until the sun started to cast light onto the dewy ground outside. I opened the back door and quietly stepped outside to investigate around my window, were there any foot prints? I moved on to look for animal prints, then any interesting changes in the trees, or the dirt, or the old wood the house was built with. I looked at my toy horses in the dirt, did they move since yesterday? No, probably not. My hand grabs the damp plastic body of my favorite Breyer Buckskin mare, moves her through the dirt and cold wet grass gets my pajamas all wet, my feet all dirty. I play until I think it’s safe to go back in the house, until I know my mom is probably awake and I’m not going to disturb her morning slumber.

This morning the sun is taking a long time to come up. My whole house sleeps.  Quietly I write, drink my coffee and eat my toast. I am the early riser. It leaves me today with a soreness and thirst, a slight fatigue. Everyone else in this house will be well rested and full of energy. I will plug along, hopefully I will not disappoint my family with lack of expendable energy, I hope they will understand.


Mommy needs a Blue Bear Too!

In the corner of my left eye I see Blue Bear in the laundry hamper. Not the original old stinky Blue, but the new soft clean blue I bought as a backup. I wanted to reach down, pick him up, and cuddle him while I laid down in my bed. I wanted a Blue Bear, something to comfort me like the babies have. It’s been a rough week. On Wednesday I came down with sickness number one. A horrible, painful, gastrointestinal thing that left me with a swollen colon. I dealt with it, I mean there was a moment I thought my organs would burst and I was dying and that I lay crying wondering how I was going to take care of Jack and Fiona. I also thought for a minute that I was imagining the whole thing. Maybe it was all in my head? Maybe I was under more stress than I thought and I was going crazy again. But I went to the doctor and he said he’s seen many patients with this same bug. He was pleased with my health, was that is, because when he sees my blood test results today he ain’t gonna be too happy with me anymore. I had my blood drawn Saturday morning, the usual tests, CBC, Glucose, and Cholesterol. I thought I had been doing good but my cholesterol is the highest it’s ever been in my life. This used to really scare me because of my family history of heart attacks, this time I’m not going to let it get in my head. I guess I’ll just eat vegetables only, forever. After my blood was drawn we went to the mall. The babies had runny noses, the mall was still closed and was deserted. The sound of the carousel echoed through the place giving it an eerie walking dead feel. I started to realize the babies’ noses were running really bad and that we had probably infected the whole place, how long does the cold virus last on public surfaces? All of the sudden I started sneezing and sneezing and sneezing. I thought it was allergies. We got home and it became clear, Jack, Fiona, and I all had a nasty cold. I needed my Blue Bear. If someone were to ask me “what’s the most challenging part of raising twins?” it would be taking care of Jack and Fiona when all three of us are sick. I laid on my bed and cried Saturday afternoon after I put the babies in their cribs, I longed for someone to swoop in and take care of all of us. To make us tea with lemon and honey and feed us chicken soup. Someone to wipe the boogers off Jack and Fiona’s faces for me, the boogers that made their way into their mouths and onto their blue bear and tiger. A disgusting sight for sure. But I knew in two hours or less I would be the one who needed to get up and take care of all three of us. Babies need their parents even more when they are sick. Jack said “mommy” a million times this weekend and held onto me tight. Fiona coughed until her eyes were watering, it was so sad. But again we made it through. My body got up and took care of the babies, took care of myself, and my Dog. I couldn’t make dinner last night for my husband though, I told him he was on his own and he made himself shrimp! I thought that was pretty cool.