The space in between. In between two paper turkeys that hang on the wall from over a year ago. Above the kitchen table, many meals shared. The crows cawing loud today. What are you cawing about crow? September heat rot summer figs. Dried dark purple corpses, tears down the middle, reminiscence of pink and yellow juicy insides. The leaves on the fig tree so large now, they canopy the sand box, crisp dried fig leaves crunch under my feet. I walk to my green chair I put in the corner at the beginning of summer. I sit down, it’s cool here, the coolest place around. I wonder if I should put away the trucks for the winter? Will they deteriorate if I leave them out in the rain and wind? Should I put up new paper turkeys? These are baby paper turkeys, just dollops of paint, glue, brown and orange construction paper, and googly eyes. Jack and Fiona are three and a half now. Their Thanksgiving decorations this year will be more sophisticated. A few little baby paintings are still taped on the wall. Fiona is drawing “The Green Faced Man” now. Jack rode a scooter down the sidewalk this morning to school and stopped at all the driveways. Time that passes between is a growing time, a learning time. It’s hard to let it go, of the past three years, the baby phase. It slipped through my hands like sand in the sand box. The narrative was set, predetermined. The baby is born dependent on the caregivers, the child learns to be interdependent and become caregivers themselves. I never think about the time they spend away, in their communities without me. I think of them as they are with me. Fiona started helping a younger child we were with yesterday in a very mature way. I can only imagine she is a caring person on the outside. Jack likes talking to everyone. He looks older than he is and speaks clearly. He looks at people’s eyes when having a conversation. What’s happened in between the spaces here- two babies have grown into confident, individual children. Maybe it’s time for new paper turkeys.
Category: One world
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Afternoon. Monday the 30th of December. Studio. Painting. Just wrote a piece about how I’m “Feeling”, politically. Can’t publish it. I’m scared. Scared of a police state. Loop in my mind. Back to the same thing here, again. Nothing we can do to stop them. Except something I’m afraid to write publicly. I don’t feel safe anymore. My computer doesn’t feel safe. Maybe it’s best if I don’t write anything about politics. Every time I think about what’s happening now in our government I start thinking the worst. I don’t feel like the politicians we have on our side are tough enough to stand up to the Trumps and Bannons of the world. I need to stop thinking. Breath. Worked in my studio today. Made some nice marks, once I let go of my literal mind. I can only do that. Make art and let go of my literal mind. I am completely totally open. Even in my pessimism I am a walking talking fully engaged smiling person. I love people. Sometimes I hate people too, but mostly my heart is filled with love.
Saturday, we went to Limatour Beach. The weather was perfect, sunny, fine sand. Jack and Fiona ran their hands through the sand and watched it fall to the ground. My husband, brother, and I drank wine and ate roast beef sandwiches. I felt like I needed to celebrate the last days of life as I’ve known it. I felt things shifting, my brother told me not to worry, that the courts can prevent a lot of what Trump is doing. It was a great day at the beach, and every day is a great day for me. I work in my studio, I write, I take care of my family and my dog, and I enjoy life. I’m one of the lucky ones.
I have one hour left. I feel the toll the stress I’ve gone through over what’s happening has taken on me. My back is tight and I’m tired. I got in trouble by my friends on Facebook this morning for sounding pessimistic about our resistance against the Trump presidency. I apologized, I don’t want to sound discouraging. I feel right now that my body and mind are fried. I am frightened about the fate of our world. I am disturbed about what’s going on. I say I shouldn’t write about politics anymore and here I am again. Maybe I’m panicking?
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I am freaking out right now. I mean freaking out. The American government is being taken over by extreme right wing politicians. Not just Federally, but there are 31 Republican governors and only 18 democratic ones in office. All three branches of government are controlled by republicans, plus they have the potential to have a conservative leaning Judicial system. I feel like one of those crazy people right now. The world is changing, there will be bloodshed. Realizing only half of America voted during this election, that 46% cast throw away ballots or didn’t vote at all. To realize that half the country are totally apathetic. To be a mom raising children in this new world, like a world sixty years ago. I have been going along thinking good will happen, I just need to do good, be helpful and caring, as I am, raise my children the same, vote, speak up as much as possible, and justice would prevail eventually around the world. That there were enough people doing good, we were moving in a positive direction, that we were changing the world. I laughed today when I realized that we, the ones who care, are a minority. Only 25% of the population of America voted Democratic. Take Hilary out of the equation. (She still represents the Democratic party). The same holds true for the Republican party, who BANK on that 46% who don’t give a shit. They know that their guns can take care of us bleeding hearts. Their jails, their crushing of social programs, creating tent towns under the freeways. The Republicans know that there is a majority of Americans who will probably be fine, some with money will rake it in, so to them they don’t mind what’s happening on the streets. Their hearts aren’t affected by it. I am part of a minority that cries when she hears about people suffering, I want to do something or have nothing at all myself. I walk on that line, getting closer than I’ve ever been with the political shift that’s taken place this past week. I can’t just go back to my life and not fight this. Even though I see now that we are a small group. The only hope is for the WHOLE WORLD to UNITE!! One country can’t do it alone, not two or three or five. It HAS TO BE ONE WORLD. I wonder how many of us are out there? How many bleeding-heart liberals exist on Planet Earth today? Time to make art.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 