Yesterday was the longest amount of time I’ve been away from the babies since they’ve been born. I left my house at 11Am and returned home at 7PM. As I drove east a smoky haze covered the sky falling down and touching the horizon line. The pollution layered my already dissatisfied mood with a touch of depression. I had been looking forward to doing the Rhythm and Presence workshop for months. The first time I signed up I wasn’t able to go because the babies were still babies and that got in my way. This time nothing was going to stop me, my own mind tried. It told me, after my friend said he wasn’t coming along because he was sick, “You’re too tired too, you should go hide, watch a movie, you shouldn’t be around people.” I told my mind to “SHUT UP!” and I got in my car and started to drive in the direction of the workshop. Insecurities crept in along the way, I historically have problems working in front of other people. But the way this workshop was set up overcame that obstacle with “ice breaker” exercises that really got me feeling relaxed and comfortable. I worked like a crazy person, painting, collaging, working with Carl and Heather, learning as much as I could from them. I got to work for around five glorious hours straight. It was fantastic, and depressing at the same time. I finally felt like myself again, I was working, I was in an amazing Art Center, surrounded by wonderful artists. On my way down I started to think I needed anti-depressants again because I’ve been feeling myself sinking deeper into my anti-social self. But once I arrived at the workshop I was fine. I was myself again, all the discontent of the weeks prior slipped out of my system. The paper, paint, chalk and charcoal in my hands expressing ideas to me. The glues bonding pieces, turning one thing into another without a plan, just a direction to go in and a surprise waiting to reveal itself. I needed that, to work with other artists, to remind myself there is a place I belong.
Category: raising twins
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I worry about the future of our planet, the future of my kids. I worry so much about the drought, the plants and animals. I fear it’s too late for us to change. I turned on cartoons this week for Jack and Fiona. I started watching a show to see what it was like and a commercial came on for a wireless network, I think Infinity. Everyone in the house, mom, dad, and kids were all using computers, hand held. Then there was a commercial for a cartoon app. Telling kids they should “go ask your parents” to download this app on “your iphone/ipad” I couldn’t believe it! That’s one of my worst nightmares, that I will raise Jack and Fiona to be one of “those kids.” That I’ll give in to the convenience of handing my kid an ipad with a bunch of cartoon apps so they can carry it around and behave like a Zombie fixed on the screen glowing back into their youthful little faces, in a trance. That if I try to take it away they’ll fall on the floor crying and kicking their legs. I’m scared that people are even dumber than I had ever imagined when all I heard about this past week was how rotten a person Donald Trump is. Is that really so shocking? He’s been an asshole his whole life. He has promoted sexism on the Apprentice for years, blatant! It’s just ridiculous how much attention he’s getting. He’s a nobody, just a business man, a very successful one, but that’s it. That felt good, I had to get that out. Sometimes I just really need to rant!
The kids (I can call them that now) are sleeping, it’s my peaceful afternoon time. We had a big adventure this morning and an antidote to my dis-satisfaction in society right now. I decided to walk Jack and Fiona to the park. I questioned myself several times from the point I made the decision to the time we got to the park. “Why are you doing this? You should bring the stroller. They might break down and how will you get home?” Etc., Etc., Etc. I put on their back packs with the leashes attached, but held their little hands instead. They were so cute looking, like little mini hikers. “Wow” Jack kept saying at all the plants we passed, the wood chips, and the manhole in the middle of the road. We made it to the park and the kids seemed really excited, they played on the slide, drank out of their water bottles, ate a food packet, and had me push them in the swings. I could hear Billy barking the whole time. I was getting annoyed, but I’m trying to learn to ignore it. I was feeling good, just a little nervous and then I see her, Billy bolting down the hill towards the park. “Oh my gosh!” I said. “Here comes Billy” She jumped over a huge retaining wall to get to us. She can’t stand it when I bring the babies to the park without her, she can hear us and knows where we are. So there I was with Billy, Jack, and Fiona, no stroller, no leash, to get us home. I didn’t know what I was going to do. How could I get both babies to walk back up the hill and walk Billy too? Luckily there were no other kids at the park and I had the toddler leash to use on Billy. Then I see my neighbor walking her dog. I say Hi and tell her my dilemma. She offered to help me get them back up the hill. She carried Fiona and I carried Jack on my shoulders. I think that was so nice of her. She really saved my ass!


