“Billy!!” I yell. I can feel my heart beat pounding from the climb up the trail. She was right by me, but we left Jack and Fiona at the park with Alan at the bottom of the hill. I saw her ears turn when she heard Fiona cry. Her face with a look of great concern. “Jen!” I hear Alan call for me. “Shoot” I say to myself, Billy’s all the way at the bottom of the hill by the park. A bit of sadness emerges from deep inside, especially strong because of my mood lately, “Billy loves the babies more than me now.” I think. My best friend, my dog, she’s left me here to hike the trail alone so she can go guard Jack and Fiona at the park. How utterly sad. I walk back down to the park to get her and Alan suggests we all take the street walk together, the babies aren’t having that much fun at the park anyhow. I take Jack by the hand and we walk along the side of the street with Billy, his dog. He gets a close up look at the flowers, mailboxes, tree trunks, car wheels, and a feel for the ground he’s usually removed from. We walk about, I’m totally guessing, 200 feet, then I put him in his stroller. It’s a nice walk, beautiful morning, the air is fresh, the sky blue, and the birds are chirping.

I’m working in my studio this morning when the babies take their nap no matter what. It’s been too long and maybe that’s why I feel depressed and like I’m disappearing. Or maybe I’m not depressed, maybe I’m just worn out, I don’t know. Or maybe it’s perimenopause? I don’t know, but it’s sad. Jack and Fiona are changing fast now. They are becoming very independent as well as dependent.  They run from me when I say “come here” and they cling to me as I walk away. Sometimes I’m just too tired to be teaching and disciplining all the time. I can’t imagine having more than two kids that just seems crazy to me. How can one person do it?  My hat goes off to the parents I know who are doing it! I just put the babies down for their nap, yea! My new nanny is supposed to do a trial/training day today, guess what? She just texted me and said she’ll be ten minutes late because her car won’t start. This totally sucks, the first day she was supposed to come for an interview she called and asked to reschedule for the following day, I obliged. The next day she called and said she was running late because she forgot she had to bring snacks to Sunday school in the morning. I let it slide. This isn’t a good start. My gut instinct says call her and tell her not to come. But that would be mean huh? Or would it. How does she know she’ll be exactly ten minutes late? The text says, “I will be ten minutes late car wont start” That was sent at 9:56, she’s supposed to be here at ten. That already doesn’t add up. Well she’s here now, yea, had a good explanation, is really nice, so I guess I’ll give her another pass! Now to my studio!!!!