Saturday morning. It’s already 7:14AM, don’t have much time to write before the babies wake up. Alan is awake and is playing something on the IPAD breaking my concentration. My coffee is boiling, should I add more cream? Yes, good idea, now it’s more drinkable. I can write, for a minute. Thinking about the first time I wrote about Christopher, last year, February, the first month I started my blog. I thought that I wrote a lot, when I went back to read it recently I found a short absent piece. The experience of getting pregnant at fifteen and hiding it for nine months was traumatizing. It deserves so much more than a short, quick, piece. It affected my life in so many ways, it will need to be a series of entries, through time, time to process and respect. The memories first resurfaced when I was trying to get pregnant, Christopher was born without a brain and died six months after birth, I was sure that would happen to me again. The doctor assured me it was an anomaly, the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck in utero, just unlucky. I carried Christopher with me for nine months, he heard all my thoughts, my cries, felt my isolation, my fear. Could he process any of this without a brain? Or was he like a giant worm in my womb? Living off my blood, he kicked me, I hit him back. I punched my stomach, crying, desperate. I had to hide my naked body, seal it off. Four months into the pregnancy, back flat on a park bench, having sex with a boy, he asks me “are you pregnant?” I say no. I feel sick, dirty, I sneak back into my house, down some Nyquil. Next day put on my stretch pants and a big sweater and go to school. Living a lie, hiding everything that was true, revealing emptiness. Only five more months and this will be over. And right now, present time, I have to end this Blog post. I can hear Jack and Fiona, awake, calling “Mommy.” Alan just headed down, I still hear them calling “Mommy” I hope Alan changes the diapers for me! The sun just peered over the horizon line and through the clouds onto my face, I see spots. Now it’s fading back behind a dark grey cloud. I don’t want to get annoyed if Alan didn’t change the diapers, I’ll let that feeling be like the sun and the cloud, fade back. It’s not worth the stress. I will go down now.
Tag: motherhood
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Quiet Wednesday morning. Foggy outside. I breathe a sigh of relief. I have twenty minutes until Jack and Fiona start waking up. My breakfast consumed, my coffee drunk, time to sit and write. Time to relax and prepare for my day. Time for me. Today is a studio day. I am looking forward to it. As I just went to that thought I stood still for a moment, my mind started to race, a conflict arose in my thoughts, “I can just paint and work on my projects” then “No, I need to organize my work, my studio” Paralyzing. What is the solution I wonder? Split my time in half? We’ll see. It’s another case of single-mindedness vs. multitasking. I’m good at multitasking but I’m not really a multitasker. My mind gets boggled and I go into fight or flight mode. I’m better suited doing one thing at a time, focusing on one idea. I’ve been doing this with the babies a lot. When I’m spending time with them, that’s all I do, read them books, sing goodnight songs, eat dinner. I am getting good at being fully present, no preoccupation. It’s been great. I think it is very important at this stage because the babies are going through rapprochement, a developmental stage between 15 and 24 months where the child moves away from the parent but then comes back. It’s the time when they are learning they are no longer connected to their mother, that they are an individual. When they come back for reassurance I find it’s very important to really be there, to give them my full attention, my full support. I noticed when I try to just give a quick hug or am too busy to sit down on the floor with them when they go through these little tantrums things just deteriorate. But if I get in there and am totally available the tantrum stops and they are off playing nicely again. They just need that little bit of extra support to feel confident. I’ve also become an expert in not being a permissive parent, meaning I’ve learned that at night when I make dinner Jack and Fiona are expected to eat it, if they don’t want it, they start playing with their food, I put them down and if they go to bed hungry so be it. I used to worry so much, bring snacks down to the nursery, but I realized I was sabotaging myself and the babies. Eventually they will learn that they need to eat at dinner time. I also have learned that there are times when they are going to tantrum no matter what, for example when putting on clothes, sometimes they get really fussy. I tried the choice system, but sometimes there’s no time for that and I just say sorry, time to get dressed and let them fuss as I put on their clothes. There is definitely an art to parenting sanely! Speaking of which the babies are starting to wake now! Time to present myself.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 