“WOOF” “WOOF” “WOOF” I hear. “BILLY” I yell out the back door. She’s not there, sounds like it’s coming from the front. “Billy! Come here! Sorry Nancy!” I say. “She was in my yard, I tried to let her out but she jumped over the fence.” Says Nancy. “I’m so sorry” I say. Nancy starts walking up to my front door. I haven’t had time to pick up the dog poop, I’m so embarrassed, it stinks. Nancy walks up the steps, “Don’t get too close, we’re infected with the flu.” I say. “I just wanted to let you know Billy was drinking from our fountain, it has stuff to kill mosquitos.” She says. I think it will be O.K., since the stuff doesn’t kill birds. I don’t have any of those cute pictures or videos everyone posts with their babies and their dogs. Billy’s not that kind of animal. The vet says she might be part wolf because of her long legs and wolfy personality. I think that’s why my mom chose her. Vikki saw Billy’s picture on the Clear Lake SPCA web site. “Jenny I found my dream dog.” She tells me. “I’ll take you to get her.” I say. It’s a three hour drive up to Clear Lake, on the 101. We drive past the exits for Guerneville and Mendo. It’s beautiful up here. My Mom is really nervous, when we get into Clear Lake we get lost. The shelter is closing soon, my mom is panicking. She starts to cry. She recently lost two dogs, Riply and Mingus. Riply survived way longer than she was meant to, my mom even had a leg amputated to cut off the cancer. Riply lived a whole year after that. I never saw my mom so depressed and sad after Riply was put to sleep. We drive down a long dirt road and arrive at the Clear Lake SPCA. My mom only got to enjoy Billy for three months, she died that December of a massive heart attack. Alan and I took Billy and Zappa to live with us. Zappa is old and incontinent so she has to stay outside in the dog house. Billy sleeps outside too. It’s been hard to keep her in the yard. She likes to go after the Raccoons and coyotes. The other night when I put her out she was all wound up, in the morning she had a gash across her face. I don’t know if it got caught on a fence or a raccoon’s razor sharp claw. The first couple of weeks after the babies came home when I went outside to be with Billy I would cry. She looked at me like I had betrayed her. It was just me and her for so long, we’d get up in the morning take a long hike. We were always together. This morning Jack fed Billy a piece of toast all by himself. Billy loves the babies now, as long as they are in a high chair or stroller. It’s really hard to give so much love and care to so many beings at one time. To make sure they each know how much I love them. To give equal attention to everyone, including myself and my husband. Sometimes I feel like I can’t do it, like I’ve run out of words and feelings. There’s such a strange area of doing all the things that need to be done, loving all the creatures that need to be loved, and just being present. It’s easy to get lost.
Tag: motherhood
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Dirty Laundry everywhere. Haven’t been able to keep up. Jack and Fiona, diaper blow outs, four days, change their cloths. Hate the piles everywhere. Wash, Fold, Put Away, Sort, Give Away, Buy, Too Big, Too Small, Too Much, Too Many. Little Tikes, V-Tech. Balls and Bottles. On the floor, cheerios, banana, drops of milk, crust of sweet potatoes, the dirty tray with burnt sweet potato, more dishes in the sink. Time to purge. The kitchen counter is grimy, it makes me irritated. A housewife has a right to vent. “How can I make you happy?” My Mantra. As they whine now, “What in the world is wrong with you guys?” I say. “What, I don’t understand?” Ok, it is the plastic container of Mentos Jack got, Fiona wants. Take it away from both babies, both cry, both get over it. They need a few cuddles, now they are playing. Sun shining, a beautiful Sunday. Not scared of getting sick anymore, time to get out of here. Time to go on some adventures, Three bandits. The Bandits don’t want me to write today. Plop, cry. The dead giveaway of a fake fall.
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Astrovirus, is that what we got? Maybe. My stomach still hurts, but I need to eat. The babies and Alan are asleep, 6:00 A.M., still dark. Jack and Fiona get sick first. Since Wednesday it’s been a stinky wet diarrhea, throw up, cycles of laundry on sanitary, rubbing backs and changing dirty Pajamas. Thursday night I got sick and so did Alan. I woke up in the middle of the night with terrible stomach pains. I won’t go into detail about the following events. I’ll just say Benghan Bhartha. I decide to check on Jack and Fiona. I walk into the hallway and smell that awful smell. The night before, 10PM, I asked Alan “Did you fart?” He said no. I said “I’m serious, did you fart?” “NO” he said. I needed to check the babies, and yes Diaper Blow Outs! I smell the same smell again, 3 Am. I just threw up myself. The smell is hard to handle. I take Fiona up first, she’s miserable. I change her diaper and PJ’S. Next Jack, he’s soaking wet, the diarrhea, everywhere. I feel like I’m going to puke again. I manage to get off all his clothes and give him a bath. I try to put on his diaper and PJ’s but I really feel like I’m gonna puke. I call for Daddy to help. This is not a good situation. I can handle caretaking of the sick household, I’m actually a pro at handling baby puke now. The first time I wasn’t that great. I was freaked out, but this time it’s like I’m a trained professional. But when I found myself sick too I felt frightened. How will I take care of the babies? I have no one to lean on. I started thinking about people who lived during the Spanish Flu, did babies just die in their cribs while their parents were immobilized from sickness? Yesterday I had to get up, feeling weak, a pounding head ache, make the bottles, clean up throw up, change diarrhea diapers, give love and support to Jack and Fiona because they felt awful. Alan is sick too so I need to have compassion for him as well and he can’t help me with the babies. There is no one to take care of me. I am at the top of the care giving ladder now. They all look to me for health, love, cuddling, food, comfort. I don’t have a mom or grandparents. I’m the wise old woman at the top of the mountain. Luckily I’m feeling better today. It’s supposed to be Alan’s morning with the babies, my “sleep in” morning, but I was awake so I’m letting him sleep in. He had to work all day yesterday through the sickness so he really does need a “sick day.” I’m strong. I just went down and retrieved my little angels. Jack had a bit of diarrhea but both babies are feeling better and starving! Time for bottles.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 