My second cup of coffee tastes good today, my cheese sandwich. Outside, pure gloom. Looks just like a foggy day, but it’s pure smoke. I feel myself slipping into this paranoid space. But most of all I find myself in total reality, everything is crystal clear, Smokey clear. This is what Smokey the bear was trying to stop. But we don’t control the Earth. We can hardly control ourselves. I can’t control myself from throwing everything to the side, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning my closet, working on my website, working on business stuff for the show and the book, taking a shower, sweeping the floor, picking up the gazzillions of game pieces and cards off the floor, putting away my shoes, my bra, my sweaty shirt, cleaning the poop on the rim of the toilet, (Jack), oh and studying my sign language and thinking about what to make for dinner. But I gotta get to my studio. NOW. I have four hours left of babysitting time. I gotta express my pent up smokey desire, not in word but in an abyss of color and line.
Tag: paranoia
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I think I heard them and I think I need to go get them soon. I had a short break, I got them down by 2:00pm, we went to a super fun playdate this morning. After I put them down I came upstairs, planning on writing. But the shelves stared back at me, the low shelves, my anxiety and stress, I need to reduce the danger. I feel like I spend most of my spare time these days putting everything that’s on shelves into boxes behind locked doors. I barely write or paint anymore. I’m constantly locking things away, childproofing, and pulling Jack and Fiona out of sinks. I spend a lot of time thinking about what they’ll get into next. They’re so fast and able. It’s Insane. It’s driving me Insane, I’m always in fight or flight mode. When they are awake I have to constantly be on the move, simultaneously preparing snacks and meals, cleaning up, playing playdough with Fiona, pushing Jack on the swing or turning on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, “Oh Tootles” or is it “Toodles?” “We need to find a mouskatool” How silly. I never watched Mickey Mouse as a little kid, my mom was anti- Disney. I have to admit I’m intrigued by the sick shit, which it really is. Especially the way none of the mouse’s have teeth. And how Minnie and Daisy Duck have eyelashes and big butts, heals, and bloomers sticking out. Did Minnie or Daisy ever have baby ducks? Now I know how moms can become totally absorbed in their children. I said it would never happen to me, that I was strong enough, but sometimes I feel like giving in, just being a mom. It takes so much energy, especially now. I think until they are three. I’ll still write and paint, but I’m not putting myself on a strict schedule for a while, a few months. The babies are awake now. Something happened a few minutes ago. I’m so paranoid, I heard a door screech. I thought there was someone in the house. I got a knife and walked out of the kitchen down the hall quietly holding the knife out like I was in a horror film. I realized it was only the bathroom door that had creaked. It’s a breezy afternoon. Kind of spooky afternoon. I put the knife back and then I started to worry about the knives, what if the babies get to the knives. I started trying to find a practical place to store the knives and nowhere worked. I started to panic before I was able to pull myself away from my own paranoia. It was intense. Now I have to go get them.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 