The birds chirp today, sky blue, acacia blooms bright yellow. It’s chilly still, but beautiful and even warm under the sun. I finally feel a bit of calm, even with my relentless insomnia. Sleepless nights, every night, when will I sleep again? The house is quiet except for my dog breathing and the refrigerator hum. I spent a few moments in my studio today, but it needs a major cleaning and purging so I can begin my work again. I’m past yesterday and sit still in today. I let my worries off the hook for now and will practice recognizing the here and now. I take charge of things, do what I can, continue to study ASL, work on myself, my practice of mindfulness, my art practice and my writing. With this practice I am not looking for a quick fix or answers, I’m only looking for a softer approach from myself to myself. That’s all. I will be as open as ever, as giving and honest as ever, that is me. But I will practice direct communication and assertiveness and confidence in myself. I’m not going backwards and feeling sad about my difficulties of the past several months, if not years. The difficulties manifested as I tried to do the best I could. At first glance I feel upset I missed my last art opening but when I look at the details surrounding the incident, I will give myself a break, I am still learning to be assertive and confident. Things are going to change for me, I will change. My problems will not disappear, but I can learn to live without so much fear. I will, I can, I am. I am strong, smart, creative, and I care deeply about my family, my community, my world. I used to say I wasn’t made for this world, this time period, even though I’m so tough and have lived through so much trauma and hardships, most people who know me now would be shocked to hear what my life has been like. But I’m sensitive and live in fight or flight most of the time. Or sadness and depression. Or I’m super excited and optimistic. It’s all O.K., it’s who I am. I will no longer let others stifle me or scare me. I can’t. I know I can do this.
Tag: sign language
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I write this in my tub. Soaking the past 12 hours away. I’ve been up since 3:30AM.
First Day of Kindergarten for Jack and Fiona. First day of American Sign Language instruction at Berkeley Community College for me.
Drop off and Freeway, each with its own pulse. I saw smashed cars on the opposite side of the Freeway, I can’t believe anyone could have survived,
I heard on the traffic report a truck was on fire on my side of the freeway. The brake lights went on forever as the Eastshore freeway merged with HWY 80.
I took the Carlson exit. Held back sadness as memories of Nations, the Wild West Gun Shop, San Pablo Ave, My moms old house. I miss her.
I took Solano Ave, back streets all the way to Berkeley. I made it with time to spare.
First subject. Deaf culture, ASL history. Thoughts of my daughter running through my head. Her questions lately,
“Why are people deaf?”
“Do they not have ears?”
“What makes them deaf?”
I try to explain. Yesterday, at the SF ZOO playground. She sticks to me. Talking to me, asking me questions.
Her brother, off making friends. Watching what the big kids do.
We look at the Hippo who puts on quite a show. Opening his mouth as wide as can be. The kids wanted me to watch them on the Carousel, I usually ride with them.
Are they turning into little, thoughtful, inquisitive minds? It’s all about Science and Identity. Between tantrums and immense fatigue. Where crying stubbornness have me saying,
“I don’t understand? Why are you acting this way?”
I check foreheads for fevers. I think they must be sick.
After ASL class today, after my jaw dropped. Seeing a lecture about your own daughter’s history, present tense, and future in a bonafide college course is a total trip. The things that led me here happened quickly once I started To mobilize.
Once my SEE sign classes were over and our time in the Total Communication classroom ended I decided to switch to ASL. At the time my daughter was still using two hearing aids. Then after everything happened, everything changed with what she could understand verbally, and my training to communicate through SEE sign language alone fell short of being able to communicate efficiently I guess I put the petal to the metal.
Now my whole family has taken ASL courses together, me and the kids study every night, and my BCC class started this week.
I’ve already learned so much, but most of all, I know my instincts were always right, and my questions were always well founded.
It’s not fair, I’m the one who has crushing anxiety! Since I was right all along, but people made me think I was wrong and I felt crazy.
Now I feel I have valuable knowledge to pass on.
After class I walked over to the Berkeley Art Museum. I saw a show of contemporary work inspired by the surrealists. I felt very connected to many of the works of art.
Today was the first day I felt like an independent person in a long time. Not a parent isolated in my house or an artist isolated in her studio.
I felt a new connection to community. I feel comfortable in my identity as an artist and a parent.
I realized I have so much to offer, the new people I will be meeting in my new life. I am part of things bigger than myself.
Tomorrow I will write my new artist statement for the 50/50 show. Saturday I will set it up. It’s such a meaningful collection of work.
This is my one framed work for the show. The rest are in a grid.
I think it looks very surrealist.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 