I Love You So Much

“I need to take Billy for a walk, you stay here with Daddy.” I tell Jack and Fiona. Jack climbs on my lap, lays his head into my shoulder, wraps his arms around me, holding especially tight to the back of my left arm. He knows what I’m saying, he doesn’t want me to leave. Even though it’s bedtime, we’re in the nursery, and he hasn’t seen his dad all day. I figure I’ll stay and put them to bed myself since it’s only another twenty minutes or so. Alan is hungry and is ready to eat his dinner. Jack always needed to be near me more than Fiona, ever since they were babies. I just hold him close whenever he needs it and take a nice big smell of his head, it smells so good, and I tell him how much I love him. I know this phase won’t last too long.

We went to the discovery museum this morning, it’s our Tuesday tradition. It was freezing and foggy. I underdressed and probably underdressed the babies. Maybe that’s why they are so tired? They are both taking a nap, its 2:28PM. Jacks not feeling 100%, those Molars are taking a toll on him. I’ve been reading the Toddler version of “what to expect” and I’m feeling a little guilty. I guess I haven’t been taking very good care of their teeth, no consistent brushing, and no flossing. I also haven’t been brushing their hair. Whoops! It’s daunting to think I need to take care of two more people’s teeth for the next five years and my own!

I let Fiona wear her hearing aids in Tot spot, but this time I watched for other kids pulling at her hat and I kept checking to make sure her one remaining hearing aid was still in. When we went outside to play I decided to take the hearing aid off. But there were so many times I was talking to them about things and I realized Fiona was missing all of it. She didn’t hear my story about the quail. She didn’t hear about the blackbirds and the pigeon. She missed the whole conversation about our lunch, at which point I could have put back on her hearing aid, but I was freezing and my main focus was consuming tomato soup and getting Jack and Fiona to eat as much cheese pizza and grilled cheese as I could.  I was also busy shooing away the aggressive blackbirds that were stealing our food right in front of us. It is a very difficult thing to have a baby with hearing loss. I’m constantly worrying I’m not doing all I can, especially now that she’s learning language. I feel guilty when I’m talking to Jack in front of Fiona and he understands everything and she’s not understanding nearly as much.

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About Dirty Laundry Blog

Thoughts on Motherhood Through the Eyes of an Artist