The Black Cat

There was a tunnel, Billy was with me, it was dark, then I felt a spider crawling on my face, I rose up quickly and swatted it off, it crawled down my neck and my back then fell to the ground. I almost woke up Alan, I was so scared. My old fears of ghosts were back, one was in the half open closet waiting for me. I imagined a mother spider just gave birth to a million little spiders and they were all crawling under my bed. I was so spooked I checked on the babies and made sure all the doors were locked. Fiona was sucking her thumb, I was surprised she does it in the middle of the night. Jack was quietly sleeping. Then I went back to sleep. In the morning Alan opened the garage door and Billy came trotting in, she had gotten out last night. I must have heard her escape or heard the thing she was after, like coyotes howling. Then, this morning I went outside and a Black Cat was staring at Billy, I couldn’t make out much, but its silhouette, with the curvature of its hind legs and its pointy thin ears and the sun shining through the pink parts at the tips. I could see its green eyes. The contrast between the light brown cut grass and the Cat in front of the Bay Tree trunk was surreal. Billy was laying down with her two front legs stretched out and her chin was resting on the bottom rail of the metal fence. I tried to chase the coincidence away from my mind. Did the Black Cat mean something? Is someone trying to tell me something? Is that Black Cat my mom?


I walked back into the house bringing Billy with me. Jack and Fiona were at the back door waiting for me. I had already told them we were going to the park this morning and taking Billy for a walk. I decided I better keep Billy close to me for a while. She is our protector. This morning’s activities were one of those must do’s that I have a hard time doing because My body and mind have been feeling under the weather, a small cloud of depression, introspection, fatigue, anticipation, and rawness is picking at my insides. I can only blame this on one thing, hormones. I got the babies and myself ready, everyone in the van, drove up over the hill and down the road to a new park we’ve never been to. We took Billy for her walk first, I was feeling fifty- fifty, It was a beautiful morning and we were having a nice walk except that Billy kept sniffing everything and Fiona kept pulling at the thing on the stroller with little pockets for my coffee and stuff. I felt annoyed, very annoyed, but kept my cool for the most part. When I got back to the car to put Billy in so I could take the babies to the playground I did something that felt really crazy. I went back and forth in my mind several times, and decided the benefits outweighed the risks. I moved my car two spots up to be under a tree so Billy would stay nice and cool. I left Jack and Fiona on the sidewalk in the stroller. I was so scared my heart was racing and I didn’t buckle my seat belt. I jumped out of the car and ran to the stroller. No one saw, no one was around, and everything was fine.

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Thoughts on Motherhood Through the Eyes of an Artist