I’m not worried the babies will wake up any minute or need me for any reason right now. I won’t need to make them anything to eat, tell them to “get down off that” or “don’t put that in your mouth” and I don’t need to check for poopy diapers. I don’t need to talk to anyone or tell anyone what to do. I can eat my yogurt and granola, drink my coffee, and write alone in my house for the first time since the babies were born. Jack and Fiona turn eighteen months this week so I signed them up for “camp” at our gym. When I dropped them off it felt weird leaving them somewhere, driving off in my car towards home without them. Fiona let out a small cry when I turned to leave, so I handed her Tiger and gave Jack Blue Blue. Then they both ran off and started interacting with another little girl the same age as them. It was cute. I felt emotional as I got onto the freeway but I also felt good, I am glad they get to do this, hang out with other kids, and develop a sense of self outside my world and my influence on them. I think it’s super important.

It’s quiet. I have twenty five minutes left of this quiet aloneness. This is good, I need this. I used to spend so much time alone and working in my studio. I miss it. Eighteen months isn’t really that long, it went by really fast. But I can feel the toll it’s had on me, the total exhaustion from taking care of everyone for so many days in a row without a real break. It’s hard. I guess I need to say how much I’ve loved every minute of it, how happy I am, and how wonderful my life is, because if I don’t add things like that some people get the wrong idea. My honesty comes with consequences, people start to worry, they might think I don’t like being a mom, or that I’m really stressed out. I’m not and I love being a mom, Jack and Fiona are amazing and fun and I love them with everything I have.

My free time is almost up, five minutes then I go pick up the babies. My mind scrambles at the thought, the sweet part is when they run towards me, happy to see me. The hard part is getting them in the stroller, in the car, out of the car, and upstairs for lunch. Worrying the whole way home they will fall asleep! So I take a deep breath, in through my nose, out through my mouth. I’ll do this on the way to get them and on the way home.