I Don’t know what the right thing to do is, today I just went with my gut.

It’s 11:00AM, I should have two hours. Jack and Fiona just went down for their nap. They seemed very happy to do so! I decided to stay home today, not go to Early Start, no rushing to get somewhere, no frantically dressing the babies, changing last minute poops, getting them in the car, making lunches, worrying I don’t have enough food, what if they don’t like it? What if they get hungry? Worrying they’ll fall asleep in the car on the way home and not get a good nap, and I won’t get a break all day until 7:00 PM. Worried they’ll be tired. Cranky, break down. The moment I decide we aren’t going to Early Start I feel relaxed, happy, and even enjoy a few wiggles songs as I feed the babies waffles, berries, banana, and sausage. After breakfast we put on our shoes and take a walk, it’s cool and damp this morning. I worry about cars, but none drive by us, it’s quiet. We walk to the little park, I have Billy so I announce to the Nannies at the park, “We’re coming in just for a minute to swing”

“O.K.” they say. Not  worried like I am about my big scary dog! As we walk back up the hill we spot a deer, a young buck, he’s beautiful, we crept closer, Billy with her ears pricked,  Fiona imitating me, bent slightly at the waist, sneaking up. The Bucks big brown eyes look at us, he doesn’t run, he goes back to eating his grass. We make it half way up the hill before Jack wants to be carried, then Fiona too. I get them in my arms but can barely hold them, I scramble as far as I can, their weight almost unbearable. I get them super close to our driveway and make a game of it, “Run” I say. “RUN RUN RUN!”. Their little legs start to move, first in place, almost like they are practicing the movement. Then  they laugh and run up into the garage for me, what good babies I think, no crying or whining  all morning long. We relax for a while more, I read books, play Legos, taking advantage of this time, when I’m fully available. I’m not stressed or extremely tired, we have no where we need to go. It’s not dinner time when I am preoccupied with cleaning and cooking. When it’s time I gracefully put them to bed. Now here I am, sitting under a gorgeous blue fall sky, listening to a Blue Jay chirp, noticing the leaves on the Japanese Maple and California Red Bud starting to turn orange. AHHHHHHH!


When school started this fall semester I said “I’m bringing Fiona three days a week, every week” I know it’s wonderful there, she is thriving under Linda’s guidance. The babies love going to school, they are both learning so much. But it’s TOTALLY exhausting for both me and the babies. Maybe three days a week is still too much at their age? Maybe a chill day with mommy is just as beneficial? And it’s SO much less stressful. They’ll be a time, not far in the future when I HAVE to take the babies to school every day! YIKES! Who knows what the right thing to do is, what’s best for the babies, what’s best for Fiona? What’s BEST for ME? No one can really know, only time will tell. But right now this feels perfect. Jack and Fiona seem pretty happy so far too, even with their colds and coughs. (Another reason I thought we should take a chill day)

I even think I have time now to work in my studio for an hour!

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About Dirty Laundry Blog

Thoughts on Motherhood Through the Eyes of an Artist