As I was driving down the hill yesterday, to go meet up with a good friend I haven’t seen in a long time, my mind was still going, like it has been for the past several weeks,

“I need to, make an appointment with the vet, I need to make an appointment with the audiologist, I need to find things that are lost, I need too…………”

Then,

“It’s not important, none of these things I’m worrying about are important, I’m not perfect, I have a hard time keeping on top of everything, what if I just said it’ll get done, or it won’t and nothings really going to happen either way.”

I turned onto Irwin and drove to see my friend, I felt totally present in her company and had nothing to worry about. When I got home I spent an hour or so in my studio, made an appointment for Billie’s rabies shot, and decided to take a hot bath in my last hour before Lindsay was off. There was a brief moment I started in on myself again,

“You should work longer in the studio, you should clean your closet, you should ………”

I should do nothing. Sometimes.

I made a big mistake yesterday. When I went to pick up Fiona and Jack from Play Center at the gym the woman working there said,

“Fiona had a rough day, she kept saying Blue Blue, walking around, she sounded like a broken record.”

“Sorry, I forgot their Teddies.”

Earlier, as I pulled out of the driveway heading to the gym I noticed I had left Tiger and Blue Bear at home. I thought it would be fine since they never actually ask for their teddies at Play Center. Did Fiona know we left her Teddy at home?

Now its 6:47am, still dark, still quiet. Should I make a second cup of coffee? I slept good last night, I feel relaxed. I hear a baby coughing, they do that still in the morning, lingering from all the colds they’ve had in the past couple of weeks. In ten minutes I will be going in the nursery,

“Good morning Babies”

“Mamamama bottle, bottle”

“It’s OK, here’s your bottle”

Oh I just heard it now, “MaMa”

I never would have thought I’d be in this situation. Yesterday I was thinking about how many times I had to think about having babies, having a family, for almost ten years. What if it doesn’t happen? I can live without it. I always knew I’d be fine without kids. My husband disagreed, he thinks women who don’t have kids always regret it. I don’t think so. Kids are great, I love Jack and Fiona, but they all consuming. There’s no time off. If someone wasn’t calling “mama” right now, I would be down in my studio, then later go check out a show somewhere. I guess I could still do both those things! The only thing I know for sure, I would have a lot more energy! But that’s not a big deal.

It’s quiet again. The sunrise is beautiful this morning.