I can’t believe I only have maybe twenty minutes left before my morning free time is over. I feel a panic in my chest. I sat outside in the back yard under the sun this morning, alone with the robins. It was so beautiful. It was quiet, only the sounds of the chimes and birds chirping. The wind rustled a bit. Again, I was struck by how peaceful it is to sit alone in quiet. If I ever needed meditation in my routine now is the time. Maybe I should just tell the babies straight up, I need some quiet time when we’re all together. I can’t always answer so many questions, put out so many little arguments between siblings, wipe butts and feed constantly eating kids. They never stop eating or moving their bodies. It’s insane. Or talking. Kids. I’m SURE they are still too young to meditate but can’t they play quietly with their toys? And NOT watch T.V.? Jack wants to watch T.V. constantly. Oh Man. But they’re adorable kids. Last night Fiona said the funniest thing and I can’t remember what it was, but it was super funny. Jack gives me kisses and loves to hang with me in the mornings before school. We go for cool walks. Today we went to the coffee shop and I had an americano and he had a piece of lemon cake. It was fun. Fiona is wearing my bracelets! She is so sweet and creative, funny too. Last night during our bed time routine, Fiona laid her tinys(her little tiger blankies) over the vent as the heat came through. She wanted to make them warm. She lay her cheek over the blankies and stretched her legs out. She is so long, I was almost looking at a little girl, not a baby anymore. We read our books, there was a scene where the main character threw a rock threw at a window and he was put on the Naughty List! I told Jack and Fiona a story about when I was a little kid, maybe 7 or 8. I was playing rocks with some neighbors, two boys. I was with my friend, we were standing outside the chain fence around the yard and the boys were inside the fence by their dads Harley Davidson motorcycle. I hit the speedometer with one of my rocks breaking the glass. I heard their dad yell from inside the house. My friend and I ran as fast as we could, we hid in an old trailer in a field behind our house. We stayed there all day until night. I could here my mom and all the neighbors calling my name, “Jenny”, over and over again. I was so scared. Then I heard my pony neighing, I imagined my neighbors were steeling my pony for breaking the speedometer on the motorcycle. I told my friend and we decided to run back to the house to save Chu Chu. As I told this story to Jack and Fiona last night they were quiet, they looked at me seriously. Fiona said, “I want you to get your pony back” almost crying she was so sad. Then I realized I had to reiterate to Jack that throwing the rocks was bad and I was on the naughty list.
Month: December 2017
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It’s a strange thing to be working on my book about my life ten years ago, examining my experience trying to have kids, looking back on my marriage, as my almost four-year-old son runs in to tell me My Little Ponies on! Thinking back on my time to “Think” back then, now I have none. I suppose if I woke up at 4:00AM in the morning I would have a couple hours. And I know all the parents reading this are thinking, “It gets easier” and I know this. It goes in waves, Nap Time was glorious, I had guaranteed time to write and paint and think. It’s been a hard road since then, no down time. I realize how fast this four years has gone, and even when I look back at my life since marriage it’s gone lightning fast. Yes, Jack and Fiona will be in primary school in a couple years and I know that is the beginning of them pulling away from me. It doesn’t change the moments in between, the loss of quality time for my marriage, and my head always on the verge of exploding. The questions and needs of Jack and Fiona are intense, non-stop. Sometimes I have to tell them “STOP” to nothing they are doing in particular, I just want them to stay still for one minute. But they keep going and going non-stop until night when they pass out. We are going through a period of extreme silliness and potty talk. Yesterday after preschool I decided to get them ice cream while I had my lunch, to sit outside in the plaza. I couldn’t talk to them because it was-poop-diarrhea-pee talk to everything. It’s just a phase, but it’s not fun to me. They are adorable kids, especially one on one it’s much nicer. Jack just asked me to put on his shoes, he’s naked and wants to chase Fiona. I guess I don’t have much of a silly side.
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One of my memories right before Jack and Fiona were born, was the night of my baby shower. I looked at the red double stroller, assembled for the first time. An uncomfortable mood kicked in. It lay between me and that stroller, that Mercedes Benz of a double modern stroller for twins. All the infant attachments intact, reminds me of how small Jack and Fiona will be when I bring them home. They are my infants, growing in another womb. Is this one of my last days of not having kids? I thought to myself. The surrogate could go into labor any day this week, we are at 36 weeks. The strange feeling of being pregnant, but your babies are three hours away in someone else’s womb. My biggest fear before Jack and Fiona were born was, what will the neighbors think when I start pushing around a stroller with two new born babies? One time, shortly after the babies were born I went to get my eyebrows done. I brought Jack and Fiona with me to the Mall. The woman who does my eyebrows said, “I didn’t even know you were pregnant!” she continued, “I thought you looked like you lost weight!” I went along, acted like I had been pregnant. Today, almost four years later, I’ve already given away that double red stroller, it was such a short part of my life. But it had such a big impact on me emotionally. The only questions I get asked now about my pregnancy is if I knew I was having twins, if I wanted twins, and when I found out I was going to have twins. It’s funny how things change, perceptions and worries. I’m as honest as possible about having a “gestational carrier”, but I don’t offer up the information freely. I haven’t explained it to Jack and Fiona yet, they are still too young to understand how a baby is made. I spent so much time feeling ashamed and embarrassed about what I was going through, that my body was not functioning as a woman should, that I was damaged and unworthy to become a mother. It takes a lot of work to work through these negative emotions and turn them into positive self-worth. It took a lot of courage to make the decision to follow the road of surrogacy. Decisions are the most difficult part of life and deciding what chances to take. But one thing will always be true, if I hadn’t made the decisions I made so far, I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this story, and that would be a shame.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 