Saving Myself

I can’t believe I only have maybe twenty minutes left before my morning free time is over. I feel a panic in my chest. I sat outside in the back yard under the sun this morning, alone with the robins. It was so beautiful. It was quiet, only the sounds of the chimes and birds chirping. The wind rustled a bit. Again, I was struck by how peaceful it is to sit alone in quiet. If I ever needed meditation in my routine now is the time. Maybe I should just tell the babies straight up, I need some quiet time when we’re all together. I can’t always answer so many questions, put out so many little arguments between siblings, wipe butts and feed constantly eating kids. They never stop eating or moving their bodies. It’s insane. Or talking. Kids. I’m SURE they are still too young to meditate but can’t they play quietly with their toys? And NOT watch T.V.? Jack wants to watch T.V. constantly. Oh Man. But they’re adorable kids. Last night Fiona said the funniest thing and I can’t remember what it was, but it was super funny. Jack gives me kisses and loves to hang with me in the mornings before school. We go for cool walks. Today we went to the coffee shop and I had an americano and he had a piece of lemon cake. It was fun. Fiona is wearing my bracelets! She is so sweet and creative, funny too. Last night during our bed time routine, Fiona laid her tinys(her little tiger blankies) over the vent as the heat came through. She wanted to make them warm. She lay her cheek over the blankies and stretched her legs out. She is so long, I was almost looking at a little girl, not a baby anymore. We read our books, there was a scene where the main character threw a rock threw at a window and he was put on the Naughty List! I told Jack and Fiona a story about when I was a little kid, maybe 7 or 8. I was playing rocks with some neighbors, two boys. I was with my friend, we were standing outside the chain fence around the yard and the boys were inside the fence by their dads Harley Davidson motorcycle. I hit the speedometer with one of my rocks breaking the glass. I heard their dad yell from inside the house. My friend and I ran as fast as we could, we hid in an old trailer in a field behind our house. We stayed there all day until night. I could here my mom and all the neighbors calling my name, “Jenny”, over and over again. I was so scared. Then I heard my pony neighing, I imagined my neighbors were steeling my pony for breaking the speedometer on the motorcycle. I told my friend and we decided to run back to the house to save Chu Chu. As I told this story to Jack and Fiona last night they were quiet, they looked at me seriously. Fiona said, “I want you to get your pony back” almost crying she was so sad. Then I realized I had to reiterate to Jack that throwing the rocks was bad and I was on the naughty list.  

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About Dirty Laundry Blog

Thoughts on Motherhood Through the Eyes of an Artist