The birds chirp today, sky blue, acacia blooms bright yellow. It’s chilly still, but beautiful and even warm under the sun. I finally feel a bit of calm, even with my relentless insomnia. Sleepless nights, every night, when will I sleep again? The house is quiet except for my dog breathing and the refrigerator hum. I spent a few moments in my studio today, but it needs a major cleaning and purging so I can begin my work again. I’m past yesterday and sit still in today. I let my worries off the hook for now and will practice recognizing the here and now. I take charge of things, do what I can, continue to study ASL, work on myself, my practice of mindfulness, my art practice and my writing. With this practice I am not looking for a quick fix or answers, I’m only looking for a softer approach from myself to myself. That’s all. I will be as open as ever, as giving and honest as ever, that is me. But I will practice direct communication and assertiveness and confidence in myself. I’m not going backwards and feeling sad about my difficulties of the past several months, if not years. The difficulties manifested as I tried to do the best I could. At first glance I feel upset I missed my last art opening but when I look at the details surrounding the incident, I will give myself a break, I am still learning to be assertive and confident. Things are going to change for me, I will change. My problems will not disappear, but I can learn to live without so much fear. I will, I can, I am. I am strong, smart, creative, and I care deeply about my family, my community, my world. I used to say I wasn’t made for this world, this time period, even though I’m so tough and have lived through so much trauma and hardships, most people who know me now would be shocked to hear what my life has been like. But I’m sensitive and live in fight or flight most of the time. Or sadness and depression. Or I’m super excited and optimistic. It’s all O.K., it’s who I am. I will no longer let others stifle me or scare me. I can’t. I know I can do this.
Category: a new beginning
-
The sun is shining. Bulbs pop up from the cold February ground. I bet if I looked closely, I would catch a glimmer of brown branches with tiny green spots giving away the secret Spring is on the way. I like my new time. I like it a lot. I’m completely letting go of what January was. Of what was no studio time, no writing time, not enough laughing and relaxing and not worrying. The kids and I hit a new comfortable today. It’s a compromise between all three of us. We give a little here and we adjust our expectation accordingly.
The clock ticked as 8 AM approached. My son and I up, breakfast eaten, we watch T.V. and wait out my daughter who’s sound asleep in bed. Shoot, it’s 7:50 I say. My son really wants to take the Halloween route. It’s an extra fifteen minutes of bike riding. I tell him it’s not looking likely we can do that today. He gets anxious. But a huge improvement from last week. Where he broke down and had a tantrum. His behavior is improving. I go down and first try by tapping her shoulder and rubbing her back. I try to be super calm. Then I try to get eye contact so I can sign. Then I wait for her to roll over, so her right ear is exposed, and I put in her hearing aid. I don’t like doing this. It does feel invasive and I’d prefer if she put in on herself since she’s almost six and it’s her body. But it often feels like she won’t get up until I put on her hearing aid! I wish I could sleep that deeply. Then when she’s awake she says, but I’m not going to school. I’m sick. I’m going to throw up. I check her forehead and she does not have a fever. I sign and tell her every morning it’s time for school, just try to eat breakfast and see how you feel. We are going to be late.
This morning we bundled up, it was crisp, and I heard the rumors of a freeze warning today. By the time we left for school it was already starting. I told the kids we don’t need to hurry school has already started. My daughter said with a huge smile, but we still get to ride our bikes, right? I said yes! And we headed down the hill in the bright morning light. At the bottom of the hill my daughter stopped to put on her gloves. She fiddled and procrastinated, I only hurried her along after it became an excessive amount of procrastination and my son wanted to cross the street. We had a wonderful, peaceful, ride. The kids followed my speech about riding like a peloton, we stick together for safety. Not to ride in and out of the street and my daughter and I have even gotten closer to a system of communication on bike rides. The key is to stay close. This morning was particularly challenging though, the shimmer from the bright morning sun cast a dark shimmery shadow on my daughters face and probably the same on mine. But we stayed close.
My new attitude may not help us in school, I feel like my goal is that my son does the best he can and keep up the good behavior, my daughter does her best and takes her allocated breaks at school. And that we just get through Kindergarten. I can see at home they are at grade level in so many ways there’s no way they won’t be ready for first grade. I keep teaching my daughter her rights and teach my son the difference between right and wrong. That’s my expectation for the rest of the year. I’m going to paint and write and take it easy with myself. I am not overthinking anything that happens at school or to do with school. I’m following myself concerning my parenting, I’m not asking for anymore advice from experts. I’m still a parent advocate, but I think I will put my energy into global advocacy as opposed to just focusing on the school. I’ve done enough of that. It’s time to focus on systemic change.
-
“Here’s the plate mom” Fiona says. She says it several times, I should have ran over and grabbed the plate. She was being helpful. I was too busy cooking dinner and gathering flashlights and candles for the safety box. Fiona had been putting the little tea candles back in the tin they came in. She had put them on the plate earlier when the power went out. It’s hard to imagine how much we depend on electricity. When I got home with the kids yesterday, I still had no idea how long the power would be out. I was not on the shut off list. I sat and panicked. The thing I worried about most was the food in the refrigerator. I worried how I would save it and how I would feed the kids. But the power came back on in a few hours. The kids got to eat extra popsicles and I got a practice run going through a PG&E Blackout. I need to organize my emergency preparedness kits a little better.
I was able to work in my studio several days this week. It felt good. I wish I had more time. I worked on collages, I ruined a ton, but I have some I like so far. I also framed four of my works on silk. They are hard to see in a picture. The detail and the shadow that should be cast behind the silk and stitch. The works I created this week are broken faces. Fragments of internal and external selves. I started volunteering this week at Jack and Fiona’s school. On Tuesdays I do art class. An artist comes from Youth in The Arts and does a project, first with my son’s class then with my daughters. It was great fun. I’ve also been doing a Art Journaling project with my kids most nights. It’s been an inspiring, creative week.
I only had one ASL class this week, our Thursday class was cancelled. The one class we had we practiced a story we need to do for our midterm. Most of the lesson is about facial expressions. So I studied facial expressions a lot this week. I didn’t go to my Spanish class again. That was too much for my brain. Doing ASL and Spanish on the same day. I thank my friend who suggested I drop Spanish; she was so right on!
This was a good week for Tantrums. Monday through Thursday Fiona did not have any major tantrums. It’s the first week in a long time. I’ve adjusted many things at home, and I think the school adjusted a few things as well. I’m also at their school more and Fiona loves that. I think Jack likes it too, even though he said he didn’t want me to come to his class originally. It was interesting to see the class dynamics. Jack is super eager. He wants to always answer the questions, to volunteer to do what the teacher asks, he’s super comfortable with people looking at him and listening to him talk. Fiona is much more subdued. Much different than she is at home. Fiona does raise her hand sometimes when the teacher asks a question, but not like Jack. Jack’s like a racehorse wanting to be set loose to run.
It’s almost time to go now to pick up the kids. How can I be fully engaged with them? How can I set my own work aside and pay full attention to Jack and Fiona? How can I react with grace and patience every time they experiment with a mood or a boundary to push? These are the things to answer.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 