I’m completely letting go of what January was

The sun is shining. Bulbs pop up from the cold February ground. I bet if I looked closely, I would catch a glimmer of brown branches with tiny green spots giving away the secret Spring is on the way. I like my new time. I like it a lot. I’m completely letting go of what January was. Of what was no studio time, no writing time, not enough laughing and relaxing and not worrying. The kids and I hit a new comfortable today. It’s a compromise between all three of us. We give a little here and we adjust our expectation accordingly.

The clock ticked as 8 AM approached. My son and I up, breakfast eaten, we watch T.V. and wait out my daughter who’s sound asleep in bed. Shoot, it’s 7:50 I say. My son really wants to take the Halloween route. It’s an extra fifteen minutes of bike riding. I tell him it’s not looking likely we can do that today. He gets anxious. But a huge improvement from last week. Where he broke down and had a tantrum. His behavior is improving. I go down and first try by tapping her shoulder and rubbing her back. I try to be super calm. Then I try to get eye contact so I can sign. Then I wait for her to roll over, so her right ear is exposed, and I put in her hearing aid. I don’t like doing this. It does feel invasive and I’d prefer if she put in on herself since she’s almost six and it’s her body. But it often feels like she won’t get up until I put on her hearing aid! I wish I could sleep that deeply. Then when she’s awake she says, but I’m not going to school. I’m sick. I’m going to throw up. I check her forehead and she does not have a fever. I sign and tell her every morning it’s time for school, just try to eat breakfast and see how you feel. We are going to be late.

This morning we bundled up, it was crisp, and I heard the rumors of a freeze warning today. By the time we left for school it was already starting. I told the kids we don’t need to hurry school has already started. My daughter said with a huge smile, but we still get to ride our bikes, right? I said yes! And we headed down the hill in the bright morning light. At the bottom of the hill my daughter stopped to put on her gloves. She fiddled and procrastinated, I only hurried her along after it became an excessive amount of procrastination and my son wanted to cross the street. We had a wonderful, peaceful, ride. The kids followed my speech about riding like a peloton, we stick together for safety. Not to ride in and out of the street and my daughter and I have even gotten closer to a system of communication on bike rides. The key is to stay close. This morning was particularly challenging though, the shimmer from the bright morning sun cast a dark shimmery shadow on my daughters face and probably the same on mine. But we stayed close.

My new attitude may not help us in school, I feel like my goal is that my son does the best he can and keep up the good behavior, my daughter does her best and takes her allocated breaks at school. And that we just get through Kindergarten. I can see at home they are at grade level in so many ways there’s no way they won’t be ready for first grade. I keep teaching my daughter her rights and teach my son the difference between right and wrong. That’s my expectation for the rest of the year. I’m going to paint and write and take it easy with myself. I am not overthinking anything that happens at school or to do with school. I’m following myself concerning my parenting, I’m not asking for anymore advice from experts. I’m still a parent advocate, but I think I will put my energy into global advocacy as opposed to just focusing on the school. I’ve done enough of that. It’s time to focus on systemic change.

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About Dirty Laundry Blog

Thoughts on Motherhood Through the Eyes of an Artist