“I Love you” I say through the speaker phone to Jack and Fiona, they are driving in the truck with Alan. A sweet symphony of “I love yous” echos back through the phone. I hang up and cry. They are so sweet, I would die if anything happened to them. I feel so sad. I’m half way through Oliver Stones, “The Untold History of the United States” on Netflix. Maybe I shouldn’t have started watching it. I can’t stop crying. I feel so sad. It’s so depressing. I’m really, really, sad. All those people killed, all the little kids and babies. All the bombs, all the destruction. It’s almost too much pain to imagine. Too much suffering to comprehend. I hate it. I hate war. I hate bombs. When George Bush bombed Iraq that was the first bombs I remember seeing being dropped. I was disturbed and depressed. It was awful and depressing. To learn that, that was just another killing of innocent people in the world done by America in a history of killing and killing and killing of innocent people. It’s really hard to take. I just needed to reach out and express myself today. I am SO SORRY WORLD for what America has done to keep power. I am so very, deeply sorry and ashamed. I feel so sad. Maybe it’s not good for me to watch this show and learn about this awful history that keeps repeating itself over and over again. It makes me understand why a person would set themselves on fire in protest over the non stop killing. Or become a total pacifist, or join a strange cult. It’s hard to have my eyes peeled open and my heart torn from my chest and there’s nothing I can do to help Peace in the world or help anything. I can see why most of the world, those like myself with the luxuries of a safe place to live, money, a good quality of life want to wear rose colored glasses and ignore what’s happening, what’s happened, not want to watch or read about the terrible things that are happening or have happened. I understand as an American wanting to think we are the good ones, we save people, we help people, we can change the world, we can bring peace. But I think “the powers that be” are so engrained in our world, that the course our civilization has set itself on is really one of doom and gloom. I can only love my family, my neighbors, my community, animals, the earth, and try to make up for my countries terrible ways by showing compassion and helping people when I can. Doing the tiny things I may be able to do before I die. I won’t get over this phase of depression ever, not knowing what I know now, thanks Oliver Stone! It will be another sadness deep inside my soul that melds with my own personal tragedies I’ve experienced through my life that never disappear. My optimism will remain, my glass always half full, but I know the truth of things and the suffering of things. That will never change.
Category: American politics
-
Muggy, foggy, feeling, studio fan blowing. Been painting. Still feeling rays of clear blue streams, magnificent waterfalls, Steep, climb. Hiking in the ferns, heart pounding, another world. Engaged core; I’ve recently connected with it in Yoga. It saves my knees on the descent. I grab a few flowers, I feel like I’m still sweating from the hike, even though it was hours ago. My studio time flows. My time off is almost over. Yes, my time alone is almost over. I need to wrap it up. This give me anxiety! I need more time. The past week has been draining. Glued to my TV, watching the news. Not believing there are people who don’t care about other people with the power to destroy lives and not care. I get physically ill. My stomach hurts, I just take baths and lay down as much as possible. Today I hiked. I worked in my studio. My work is strong today. I think about pain, and death while working today, even in the backdrop of the beauty of the Cataract trail. The life of the birds and the flowers. Peaceful lake. We will carry on then we will die. Trump will be gone in less than four years.
-
At first, I’m mad, I’m still mad. The International Women’s Day and Strike is today. I’m mad because I can’t participate. I’m mad because so many women can’t participate. I’m mad because women never get a break. Today we are supposed to participate, be “on strike”, but stay at home moms can’t do that. We don’t punch a time card, we don’t get paid, we don’t collect social security, are unable to save for retirement, but our work is indispensable. Our homes need us today and every other day, 365 days a year, 24/7. We don’t get weekends off, we can’t take a sick day. For those of who juggle homemaker and a job, holy cow! Hats off to you women! It’s hard work being a woman. We get paid less, we get penalized for getting pregnant, male bosses talking behind the backs of their female workers when they need to take maternity leave. Thinking about how much it costs the company to pay her, to keep her in the company. But no one would be here without women. We raise the world. We are more important than we give ourselves credit for. Women are the thread that ties the world together, our children are the future. My mom made me who I am today, I give her all the credit, a working, single mom. Put herself through college to make a better life. Never got a day off. Never took a vacation. She died without ever taking a vacation.
I wish I could “take the day off”, go to San Francisco, participate in a March, hang out with other women. Maybe I should? Maybe I should bring the babies to San Francisco to the march and rally? Maybe I should take Jack and Fiona to the city? It’s a beautiful day! Tempting! If they feel up to it I think I just might!! I feel like a weight has been lifted off me just now! Possibilities are opening up. I woke up so early I had a chance to work in my studio this morning. The weight on my shoulders started to lighten as I mixed paint, drew, made marks. I can’t just “drop my responsibilities” today, but I can shake them up, turn things upside down. I need a social connection today. I have plans with one of my best friends to meet up, can I convince her to take the babies to the March in SF? We’ll see. I have to see how Jack and Fiona feel first, if they are sick everything’s thrown out the window! I’ll be on Full Mom duty! We never know how our day will go until the children are up. This is one of the MOST difficult parts of being a parent. I can have the best intentions for the day, be feeling great, and sometimes, the children cry, and whine, and pee on the floor, and get into everything, and don’t listen. By the time night comes I feel I’ve been run over by a truck. Mindfulness practice helps, but it doesn’t prevent all the “FUCK” moments! Complete frustration. That was yesterday. But in between those days we have our beautiful, potty trained, sweet, fun days together. It all evens out in the end.
The house is still quiet. Jack and Fiona will be up soon. I have a bit of anxiety. A bit of anxiety today. Maybe I should take a hot bath before they get up. Before I do everything else I need to do.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 