It feels like it’s been so long since I’ve written. With an erratic nap schedule, erratic moods, erratic everything, erratic everything, I’ve given myself permission to lay off the S.O.P. and go with the flow of energy, absorbing the mind fatigue like a sponge in milk. Like the sponge I use daily to wipe up all the dirt and grime spread evenly through our house and car like green grass on the spring hills. My insides feeling pressure and pain as I battle like a trooper searching for relaxation, light, time, and a clearing of the fog of drama that has entered my delicate soul. True inconsistences between me and other parts of my world, the big beautiful cluster fuck of reality. But I sit here now within the fire, the burning of my bra, they did it for a reason you know, not just to protest for women’s freedom, but also because bras wrap tight around the ribs, digging in, leaving a red mark, insulating toxins, growing cancer, they knew it was just an extension of the Chasity belt. I’m not playing their games anymore, the games of patriarchy. That is what this comes down to for me, that erratic unease, unrest, dis-satisfaction with the system, with reality. My fight goes way beyond student loan reimbursements, I mean am I gonna get a refund for working full time, putting myself through college, will I get a refund of the money I used from my savings account that I paid for graduate school with? Fuck a phone call buzzing on my stupid IPhone, now my conversation is broken, now I have to check my message. What I’m proposing is a respect for myself. For my practice. I cannot be on-call. I propose a total respect for women. I want all the judgements about people based on their appearances, their dress, to go away. I want people to get off the fucken band wagon and think for themselves, I want the ugliness to go away. I want women to finally be viewed and treated as human, not sex objects, I want women to be able to walk around braless anytime anywhere without it meaning anything, it’s not slutty or dykey, or trashy. It’s our body. The only reason that our bodies are looked at in this way is because of advertisement, brainwashing, Barbie’s, look at what the world has done to women. We’ve been used and now we are paying for it. The bra has to go. Only wear during exercise when you don’t want jumping squirrels in your tops. It’s bullshit.
Category: be kind to yourself
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Hi, it’s me again. 7:30 AM Friday morning. Jack and Fiona will be up any minute, but right now I am enjoying quietness, hot coffee, and sunflower butter on toast. It’s been another wild week. Its possible Jack is phasing out of naps. Yesterday when we got home from Early Start (school) I put Jack upstairs in the guestroom, he seemed tired, I thought he would definitely take a nap. AS I was putting Fiona in the nursery two doggies came running in. They are my neighbor’s dogs, the cutest little things, and I knew they were friendly with kids because the owners have three kids. So I let Fiona hang out with them in the nursery for a few minutes and I got some cuddles in myself! Such sweet doggies, Billy’s a sweet girl but she’s not cuddly, she’s like a wolf dog, always on the job. Plus, she’s always covered in poison oak! After a few minutes I tell Fiona, “Time for your nap”, she starts crying, “My doggie”, “Fiona, we have to put the doggies out, those aren’t your doggies, they’re the neighbors’ doggies” Crying, “My Dog”, “That’s not your doggie” “Mine, mine, mine” “Awww, you want those puppies? Aww they aren’t your doggies; come on puppies you have to go home.” “Puppy, puppy, puppy” “They’re not our doggies, I’m going to leave the puppies out here” “No, NO, NO” As the doggies exit the garage I start laughing and so does Fiona! I put her back in the nursery to take her nap and she bawls. I tell her “I need to eat” then she says, “Me Eat” so I bring her down a yogurt pack and piece of cheese. She cries but does fall asleep.
I come upstairs, pour some granola over yogurt, go down to my studio, paint with one hand, scoop yogurt in my mouth with the other hand. I can hear banging on the floor. I get scared, what if Jack learned how to open doors. I go upstairs and Jack’s still in his room but says “Mama”, he’s wide awake. “Are you tired?” “No” he says. “you’re not going to take a nap?”, “No”. “O.K.” I let him out, he wants to watch bear, “O.K., you can watch bear and mommies going to do her exercises.” We cancelled our gym membership this month so we can save money. So I’m working out at home, I was going to do it while the babies took their nap or before they woke up! But now, while they watch T.V.! After I exercise, it’s 3:00, time for Fiona to get up. I go down and wake her up, she only had an hour nap, she would have slept longer but then she would be up late! Now that both babies are up things get crazy. First is food! They eat outside in the lawn, I give them fish sticks, O’s, berries, cereal, chocolate covered pretzels, they eat it all. I go back and forth between my studio and upstairs. I have the baby gate open and the garage door open so the babies can find me easily. They come down and Gasp! I’m painting faces, paints all over my hands. Jack starts moving the press back and forth. “I need to teach you how to print” I say. The babies are examining my studio, watching me be crazy and talk to myself. It’s dangerously cool. I finally “Finish” two pieces. I clean my hands and brushes. The babies are getting into the house paint closet, looking at golf balls and wooden tee’s, super excited, like they are on a treasure hunt. It takes me awhile to pry them back upstairs. When I get upstairs I notice milk and cereal spilt all over the good table. I say to myself, “This is what happens when I let toddlers free roam!”
But then Fiona grabs a piece of paper towel and starts cleaning up her mess. I say, “Do you want mommies help?” I go to help, she says “No” and continues cleaning. I control my natural urge to clean it good and let Fiona do her thing. She comes to me when she’s done! I tell her how much I appreciate her initiative and that she’s helping mommy, and realize this is the other part of letting toddlers free roam!
After I put the babies to bed last night I still had to clean the WHOLE house, dishes, toys, vacuuming. I didn’t sit down until 9:00PM! When I did I couldn’t believe I wrote in the morning, spent mid-morning at Early Start, most of it in our parents’ support group, exercised, painted, had absolutely no time to myself, I couldn’t even take a shower alone because Fiona wanted to take a shower with me! But when I sat down I was amazed at all that I had done in the past thirteen hours, but I know I couldn’t keep up this pace! Or could I? Anyhow The babies are awake now! It’s already 8:00AM. Oh and this weekend is my birthday!!! I’m going to be forty-five years old!!! Can you believe it?! I can’t!
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Monday morning. 6:41AM, house still quiet. Babies sleeping, husband back from trip, still sleeping. I feel like the babies and I just returned from a trip too. We had a weekend getaway at home. Just the three of us. We had so much fun. Jack and Fiona behaved perfectly, no tantrums, no problems taking naps or going to bed at night. I did keep a tight schedule, morning breakfast, then long walks, outdoor play until lunchtime, even in the rain, then lunch, nap, afternoon snack, creative activities, cartoons, dinner, bath time, bedtime. The key is to make sure they are tired enough physically and mentally, but not “wound up”. You have to keep it mellow, especially in the house. Also I’ve become a master at recognizing cues, for example; Jack will start throwing things he’s not supposed to, like food, Legos, and books, when he starts this behavior I know he’s tired. He needs a change, it’s usually time for reading books and going to bed. Fiona starts whining, a horrible annoying whine. At first when they would start these undesirable behaviors I would try to tell them to stop, try to teach them it’s bad behavior. Then I realized that just feeds the fire. They want attention, they are tired. Scolding them sends us in the wrong direction, into negativity. The only problem with this method is when I have to finish something, like cooking dinner for my husband! He eats later, when he gets home from work. The babies and I eat early, around 4:30 or 5:00. I need to figure out a solution. Crock Pot?
Yesterday morning the babies, Billy, and I went for a big adventure. We walk to the coffee shop. I brought the stroller but let the babies walk as far as they could. On the way down the hill, Gasp, “Mama Mama” Jack says; on the ground there is a potato bug. I try to get the bug to curl up, I want to show Jack this trick, but the potato bug won’t curl. As a little girl I loved finding potato bugs and watching them curl up. I use a wet piece of bark to let the bug climb on, I move the bug off the road. The bug tips over and we count his legs. Six. As I set the bug down I see little bugs with wings in the wet mulch. The babies investigate too. It’s wonderful, nature right outside our door. Then we say “Good bye potato bug” and continue on our journey. The babies stop at each neighbors’ yard, examining pin wheels blowing in the wind, turtle sculptures, people working in their yards, people on their way out or in. Each person, each thing we stop to examine. We say “Hi” to the people and “Bye” We say “Bye” kitty cats when we see two cats curled up in a garage. I keep saying, “Come on Jack and Fiona” or “That’s private property, you need to be invited to their house to go in” But they don’t understand that concept. They don’t understand private property or strangers. They don’t understand hurrying or not stopping and investigating interesting things, they can’t walk by a rock and not climb on it. I tell myself to enjoy it, not expect them to walk in a straight line, or not to jump in puddles. Rain comes and goes, sun too. Cars drive by, white blossoms cover the ground blown down from the storm. When we get to the coffee shop Jack and Fiona are hungry, they split an egg sandwich, drink chocolate milk, eat fruit and a butterfly cookie. They stay seated on their stools, watch people, wave hi. Billy waits outside guarding the stroller, she doesn’t bark. She’s a good dog. We head back, but this time I keep the babies in the stroller. We stop at the park to swing and play on the slide. By the time we get home it’s already 12:40! I offer the babies more food, but they aren’t hungry. I take them to the nursery, change diapers and say “goodnight, time for your nap” They play together for a while but take a good nap, I take a shower and work in my studio. Perfection.
I hear them waking now. Time to start the day. Lindsay’s working today and Alan’s home because of the rain. I told Alan I need to do laundry and work in my studio for part of the day! But then we are going to the movies. I want to paint bad! Back to real life.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 