Random Tiny Moments of Silence

Moment of quiet, Saturday afternoon. Feeling warm and cozy on this rainy day. Alan took Jack and Fiona to Playland and Chinese food. I stay home to clean and exercise. I still have a pile of laundry, pots, pans and cutting boards to clean. I’ve exercised and showered. To let the whole day go  without some quiet reflection would be a shame. I need more time, in my studio, working on my paintings and books; I accept the moment I have now. I gorge on prosciutto, cheddar cheese, persimmon, and a few bites of Pumpkin cheese cake. My belly aches now. I want a cup of coffee, it’s already almost 1:00pm. Maybe half a cup won’t hurt? Deep breath. It’s  anxiety of alone time running out. I have to keep the brakes on, stay calm. Stay present. Accept my returning family with an open heart.

Monday, 3:01PM. Time almost out again. Babies will wake up from nap soon, husband will be home soon. Need to go grocery shopping. Need to make dinner. Haven’t had enough alone time lately. Maybe I should go to the grocery store now. Sacrifice writing. Alan will be upstairs soon, babies awake. Maybe I can’t write again today.

Tuesday, 3:39PM. House quiet. Babies sleeping. Kettle on. Chamomile Lavender tea and pear and gorgonzola salad. I am changing my life. No more drinking coffee after morning has passed, no more binge eating chocolate and eating bowls of cereal. It’s deep breathing, chamomile tea, and salads. I’ve never self-medicated with food before, but this last depressive episode, after the election I started eating tons of sweets, I did it on purpose. Today I pick Jack and Fiona up from school. Fiona has a fever. She has been asleep since 1:00PM. Jack has a melt down because we can’t go to the park, as we planned. At first I Let him watch Mickey Mouse and stay up, I feel bad he is so disappointed. He wants to watch another show, I say “Not now”. Jack has a major meltdown, I put him in his room and shut the door. He cries for a few minutes, then falls asleep. I’m worried that he might be getting the fever too. I will not let this defeat me. I am tired of being stressed and depressed.

Christmas is everywhere already. As I walk through the stores today, wasting time before I have to pick up Jack and Fiona, there are sparkly trees and cute doggy ornaments. Things that are happy, but they still make me sad. Maybe even more now, this year. First, I feel the feeling of loss, missing my mom, then guilt, feeling I am not cheery enough about Santa for my family, then more sadness about the state of the world, all the people suffering. I double my dose of anti-depressants for the time being. It’s just hard right now.

I had time in my studio yesterday, the only place I feel I am making real progress. My books make me happy, like Santa Claus makes some people happy. My large canvas paintings are making real headway. I start having a breakdown, in suck territory on them, then I push and push and push, finding a new place, a surprise. The notebooks help me get there. I need time in my studio today. I have no time. That’s o.k. I will survive. I need to check on Fiona. I hope she is feeling better. It’s still super quiet in the house. The sky is starting to turn from day to night, the days shorter and shorter. I hear an airplane overhead, motorcycles on the freeway, kids playing at the park. It’s almost December. This year will be over soon, Jack and Fiona will be three years old. Another reminder, passing of time. It’s easy not to notice the starkness without kids; but the way babies turn into kids in the blink of an eye is startling. A reminder every moment counts.

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