“MMM it’s good.” I say. “What’s good?” says Alan. (He stayed home from work today because of the rain.) “My Green tea”. I say, it’s really good. I put the honey I usually put in my coffee on my toast with Banana and almond butter. Jack and Fiona are still sleeping, it’s 7:19 AM, this scares me. Whenever they sleep unusually late they have been sick. I can hear little noises on the monitor, Alan has decided to go down to get them. This is very nice of him. I’m missing Jack and Fiona right now though, I’m missing going in and saying, “Good morning” Giving them big hugs and cuddles. I don’t miss changing their diaper. Alan just brought up Fiona, I grabbed her gave her a hug, put her in the high chair, but all she really wanted was her bottle. I have everything ready. When Alan got home from work last night he wanted to cuddle the babies but they kept coming to me. They wanted to go to bed. Ah Jack, he gave me the sweetest smile and cuddle. I wonder if it’s OK to have a second cup of green tea. “Wait let me finish this really fast.” I say to Alan. (Several Times) A lot of talking, questions, conversations are happening right now that are breaking my concentration. I had some time in the studio yesterday. I have an idea, prep the paper, lay down some paint. I like what first comes out, I’m doing self-portraits, need to let them dry. Multi task, work on the laundry and clean my closet. I go back to my studio. I HATE them, I start working, nothing’s happening. I start to panic. I want to smoke some pot. But I don’t because I’m cutting back in preparation for my cleanse next week. I leave again, work on more chores. Come back, mix some new paint, new colors, the creativity is finally starting to flow. I’m excited. I am liking how these are turning out. I lean towards dark colors when I’m PMS’ing and self –loathing. I usually cover everything up with black paint and throw it in the trash. This is a definite improvement. That is the other thing the Zoloft did, it removed my self-loathing component. How does it do that? I did it by myself yesterday though which is great news for me. I am changing. Naturally.
Category: finding balance
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Monday morning. 7:26 A.M. Make coffee despite my goal to drink green tea. (“Pre-cleanse”) Every step along the way I have an opportunity to switch; just pour the boiling water into a cup with a green tea bag. I take a sip of my coffee, I could just throw it away right now and not finish it. (It’s so damn good.)Tomorrow. I’ll start tomorrow with a cup of green tea. The babies are playing nice together. New beach toys from Uncle Danny, a giant yellow duck seems to be the favorite right now. I do smell a shit. ”Jack no, Jack no! You’re going to fall off the couch like you did yesterday and start crying.” Yeah, they’re playing nicely, except when I look in to observe I see trouble. I need to change poopy diapers. I notice a sigh. I do this when performing certain repetitive tasks, changing diapers, picking things up off the floor and sweeping. I read that sighing is a sign of stress in my new Urban Remedy book (The one with instructions for the 4-Day Home Cleanse Retreat). New Goal: every time I need to re-sweep the kitchen floor I am going to use it as a chance to do walking meditation. This week in addition to cutting out coffee I am planning on cutting out sweets, and anything else that’s not necessary for my survival. Adding lots of vegetables, smoothies (I’ll make them at home, NO MORE 10$ smoothies!) and I ordered a juicer online. I’m starting the “REAL” cleanse on April 16th, that’s next Monday. I’ve tried to do cleanses many times, always failed. I feel this is the one, the one I will succeed in! I don’t think I’ll make the nut milks by hand though, I might just buy those. Is that cheating? This week I’m supposed to avoid: Caffeine, Alcohol, soda, red meat (I had a steak last night) sausage, pasta, cookies, preservatives, dairy, GMF’s, canned food, and cigarettes. Seems simple enough. Then I’ll be ready for phase two. Once I get my juicer I’m going to try “PMS Relief”: fennel, mustard greens, parsley, carrots, and apple. This will be my first time going through PMS without Zoloft in six beautiful months. If I start to sound crazy and irrational in the next couple of weeks that is why. Easter was fun. CADBURY EGG BLIND TASTE TEST:
Step one: Buy an Illegal Cadbury Egg from the Irish store in the city and a Cadbury Egg made in America.
Step two: Prepare two plates, label one plate FAKE EGG and one plate REAL EGG. (Put sticky label under plate so no one can see. Alan cuts both eggs into four equal parts. (First sharpening knife.)
Final Step: Mix up plates and pieces of egg, put a piece in Alan’s mouth of first egg to be tested, Danny, Susan, and I all taste first egg. We rinse our mouths with Champagne. Move on to second plate, taste egg. There’s a clear difference. We all agree one egg’s chocolate tastes way better and one egg tastes super sweet. The vote is unanimous, we turn the plate over, the UK Egg is the winner!
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Easter Sunday, “YES YES YES” I convinced Alan to take Jack and Fiona to peets. The babies would NOT take their nap. This is the FIRST TIME I’ve had the house to myself. I have to speed type. It’s 9:05AM, the first thing I do is grab my Sunshine and fill her up. The second thing I say is “FUCK the Haters” sorry if that sounds krass. I started writing this piece trying to explain how I got here. (Erased it all) I live in Marin in a house, I didn’t start off here. I started at the bottom and so did my husband. I’m just an artist who worked retail my whole life. That’s it. I’m the same person I’ve always been, but waaaayyyyy cooler. It’s like I lost all my street cred when I got married. I’ve been accused of not being a feminist anymore, of not being punk rock anymore, of, (now this is my interpretation of course) “Living a traditional Marin Normal Lifestyle” Whatever the fuck that means. Like I think that’s better or they think it’s better than????? I don’t know. Ah that felt good. “Fuck’ Em”. Am I aloud to cuss on the internet? Can the title of my piece be Fuck Em? Easter Sunday. That sounds very anti-religious. “No offense”, that phrase doesn’t mean anything on the internet, in fact saying “no offense” means I probably already offended someone. Not on purpose, never on purpose but out of ignorance, absent mindedness or simple mistake of word choice. Because that’s all the internet is, just words. From random people. But these words are taken so seriously. I’m meandering. I realize I’m treading in very dangerous waters in many oceans. That’s who I am. Family, painting and writing. The End
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 