Naptime, the kettle just finished boiling, I pour the hot water over my stress relief tea bag, sit down, and take a bite of my chocolate chip cookie. It’s 2:37 PM Sunday afternoon, Jack and Fiona just went to sleep thirty minutes ago, the latest they’ve ever stayed up. I don’t understand how they have so much energy. Right before I put them down Jack was running in circles, Fiona kept walking away from me, when I said “It’s time for your nap” she said “no”. When I put them down I had no problems, Fiona wanted to keep her new pink sparkly Hello Kitty sneakers with her, she fussed when I took them off her, but both babies went right to sleep. They were tired even though when I asked them, “Are you tired?” they kept saying “No” and running in circles.
Today I woke up early, early enough to drink a hot cup of coffee and peanut butter toast, early enough to see the sky still dark, with light blue horizontal streaks, see the yellow and blue lights scattering the valley below, and the quiet shadows cast on the walls around me. A shadow of my apron strap twisting and turning, delicate like a ribbon. The shadow of my hand , my pen on the piece of paper on which I write. Early enough to notice my reflection in the window merging with the outside world creating another dimension, that slowly disappeared as the darkness of dawn turned into the light of morning. My dog resting on the carpet and the babies still asleep in their beds. These are the moments I can stand back, look, observe. The moments before the chaos, before the speed my two year old twins demand. They aren’t really two yet, we have two months to go. Am I trying to hurry time?
Last night on my way to bed I went in the nursery to turn off the lights and I found Jack asleep on the floor. Fiona was cozy in her bed with all her teddies. I scooped Jack up and lay him on his bed with his teddies. I imagined him going and going and going until he just dropped down and fell asleep. His feet never stop moving. He got a new pair of shoes today, they are spider man sneakers that light up when he walks. He was so proud and happy, he kept walking around looking at the lights flashing. He’s a good kid. They both are.
When I was looking for a pen to write with this morning I came across a 00 Kolinsky red sable paint brush from Utrecht. I can’t remember when I bought it, or what for. It makes tiny little marks, a place I feel uncomfortable going, into tiny little mark making, tiny little pictures. I want to experiment with this tiny little paint brush, maybe make tiny little marks on a big piece of paper. Tiny little moments, my tiny little place on this earth, my tiny little life moving quickly. Maybe making the tiny marks would be good practice for staying present. For being fully aware of each passing second. Sixty seconds in a minute, sixty minutes in an hour, and so on, how many marks would that be? Could that be? Do the tiny little marks make up one big mark? Will it teach me how much time I really do have when I slow down?
I don’t know what I love more, a quiet morning or a quiet afternoon, both are beautiful. Tomorrow is a studio day, I am really looking forward to it. I’ll start work on my DADA drypoints and stitching, but I won’t post any photos of those. They will only be revealed after the show opens in May. When I looked at the picture I made on New Years Day, the one I am posting with this blog I was shocked. It was so moody, but I was feeling very moody that day. But today I feel better.
Category: introspection
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My coffee came out perfect this morning, hot, smooth, I’m drinking it too fast, I wish I had more. I know if I made another cup it wouldn’t be as good. It’s 5:51 AM, Thursday morning, December 31st, 2015. I didn’t sleep good last night, I felt swollen and itchy from dry winter skin and poison oak covered legs. When I was sleeping, I was dreaming of words and sentences. Punctuation.
Last night when I went to turn off the lights in the nursery; Jack is tall enough to turn back on the light now; I looked in and immediately went back upstairs,
“Alan, you have to see the babies”
He came back down with me,
“Isn’t that so cute?”
“Yeah, do you think Jack was mad because Fiona is laying on his spot?”
He’s talking about a pillow chair thing that we found Jack sleeping on the other day.
“I don’t think so, I think they like sleeping next to each other”
I have a vision of Jack and Fiona sharing a twin size mattress. No, I think, they need their own beds, their own space. I lay down in my bed and think about how they have never know life apart from each other. The only time they are alone is during nap time. I can’t imagine having someone so close to me. Will they ever have my love and desire for solitude? As I sit here now basking in the peace and quiet of morning, of my time spent before the house awakens.
So this is it, the last day of 2015. It’s been a year of tremendous growth for me. When my mom died seven years ago my whole existence was compromised. My foundation was cracked, my support system broken. My closest person gone. Lately when my brother and I talk about her, we mention her mental illnesses. Ones never discussed. Ones that my brother and I both inherited to some extent, either through osmosis or dna. I seem to be more affected and concerned, maybe because I am a parent now. Before I had the babies I was so worried that I would cry and be depressed all the time. That’s what I grew up around. I’ve spent this year going deep into myself, learning ways to manage difficult times and be a good mom. I finally feel like the crack in my foundation is repaired. It takes a long time to get over a loss of someone close. And to deal with all the emotions that come up.
2016 sounds good to me. A real fresh start! Now that my foundation is solid I can start building my house. I have several shows scheduled for the new year. They are group shows with GAP, collaborative work as well as a solo piece in each show. I will probably have two solo pieces in the first show at Room Art Gallery because I was not a part of most of the Collaborative work that will be shown at Room. I have so much great work already done, but I am still making so much headway in my studio. The second show is The San Francisco International Art Festival.
This is very exciting. We are making a giant collaborative piece. We are forbidden to post any work for this show on facebook, so you’ll have to come see the show to check out the work! No sneak peeks!!My New Years Resolution is to stay present in each moment. One day I said that in a therapy session. My therapist asked “What does staying present mean to you?”
I didn’t know how to answer, all I could think of was being in the moment. But it’s more than that. Sometimes it’s easier than others. Yesterday in my studio I felt present, as I worked I wasn’t rushing, each mark I made, each decision I made was calm and unhurried.
I kept off the “merry go round” and that is what I’d like to do in 2016. Less worrying and hurrying. Less analyzing everything. I want to use my coping skills in moments when I’m freaking out. I want to be more conscious about what I have already accomplished, not what I haven’t done yet, need to do, want to do. Take heed in the saying “love thy self”It’s almost seven now, time to get to work. I can hear Fiona on the monitor.
Happy New Year!!!
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Darkness and quietness surrounds me, my coffee piping hot, warming my throat as I take a sip then settling in my belly, mixing with peanut butter toast. Alan, Danny, Jack, and Fiona are still asleep, 6:00AM day after Christmas.
Our Christmas Day turned out to be delightfully simple and surprisingly joyful. But it didn’t come easy. I feel like I just finished an exam. It seems like it’s been weeks of studying my beliefs, my mind, my values, what I want to teach my kids. Weeks of debates and tension with my husband about christmas trees and Santa. Conversations that flounder between my practicality and his romantic sensibility.
“I want the kids to have a great Christmas, they’ll love The whole idea of Santa”
“But I don’t feel comfortable lying to them. They have a great life, everyday is Christmas for them.”
So we tried the tree. Alan brought home a big beautiful tree that we decorated as a family, it was gorgeous with lights and all.
It lasted one day in the house. But the joy of putting up the tree and going through the ritual was worth the tension and stress it created. It was worth the vacuuming over and over to get up the pine needles. I was right about the impracticality of a Christmas tree in the house with toddler twins, but Alan was right about the beauty of the ritual and the wow factor of plugging in the lights on the Christmas tree. On Christmas morning I did tell the babies Santa came, I said “Merry Christmas” and Jack said it back to me in his little baby voice,
“Erry ismiss”
Through the baby monitor I told Alan, “put out the rest of the presents”
It was a small group of gifts placed in the center of the living room floor. There were also two new bikes for Jack and Fiona. They ran to those first and jumped right on.
They opened up their little pile of gifts and loved them all. I sat and watched, and was happy.When Alan, Danny, and I Were ready to do our gift exchange the babies thought they were getting more presents. I said, “these presents are for Danny, Mommy, and Daddy” Jack was a little upset at first, but we had the babies help pass out the gifts and I think they really liked it. Fiona opened one of Alans sweaters I got him, and then walked it over to him. Then she snuggled up in his lap.
In the afternoon we headed over to Alan’s sisters house for a Chrismas dinner party. The babies were really excited to be going to a party. Alan has six brothers and three sisters. A big Irish family. Only one brother and one sister still live in Ireland, everyone else was at the party. I had fun telling the babies, “this is daddies brother, this is daddies brother, this is daddies brother, this is daddies brother, and this is daddies brother” and then I explained how grandma was their mommy. The babies were friendly and well behaved. The only glitch was they didn’t eat much, only rolls and bananas. They had spotted the table of sweets when we got there. I told them, “not till after dinner” We think they purposely didn’t eat much dinner so they would have room in their tummies to gorge on candies and cookies.
As I put the babies to bed last night a lightness came over me. I made it through a deep introspective time, I came out the other side with a new positivity and confidence about myself. As I go through these “episodes” I often say to myself , “I wish I wasn’t like this, I wish I didn’t question everything and get so stressed out” But if I didn’t go through it would I have the clarity I have today? These are examines I’m taking, I need to study and go deep inside to figure things out, to figure life out. It’s not an easy way of living, it’s not easy for me or the people close To me, that I’m not a “normal” person. But this is who I am.
Alan and I took a walk outside during the party. It was surreal to be walking down the road on Christmas outside a family Christmas party with two children that are my own. After years of parties where I felt so uncomfortable and like an outsider because of my troubles getting pregnant, now I had a family of my own. As we walked down the sidewalk Jack looked at Fiona and said “ona” he grabbed her hand and they continued to walk together in front of Alan and I.
“Oh my gosh, that’s the best christmas present ever” I said.
And I felt truly jolly, like I learned a lot about life at that moment.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 