My coffee came out perfect this morning, hot, smooth, I’m drinking it too fast, I wish I had more. I know if I made another cup it wouldn’t be as good. It’s 5:51 AM, Thursday morning, December 31st, 2015. I didn’t sleep good last night, I felt swollen and itchy from dry winter skin and poison oak covered legs. When I was sleeping, I was dreaming of words and sentences. Punctuation.
Last night when I went to turn off the lights in the nursery; Jack is tall enough to turn back on the light now; I looked in and immediately went back upstairs,
“Alan, you have to see the babies”
He came back down with me,
“Isn’t that so cute?”
“Yeah, do you think Jack was mad because Fiona is laying on his spot?”
He’s talking about a pillow chair thing that we found Jack sleeping on the other day.
“I don’t think so, I think they like sleeping next to each other”
I have a vision of Jack and Fiona sharing a twin size mattress. No, I think, they need their own beds, their own space. I lay down in my bed and think about how they have never know life apart from each other. The only time they are alone is during nap time. I can’t imagine having someone so close to me. Will they ever have my love and desire for solitude? As I sit here now basking in the peace and quiet of morning, of my time spent before the house awakens.
So this is it, the last day of 2015. It’s been a year of tremendous growth for me. When my mom died seven years ago my whole existence was compromised. My foundation was cracked, my support system broken. My closest person gone. Lately when my brother and I talk about her, we mention her mental illnesses. Ones never discussed. Ones that my brother and I both inherited to some extent, either through osmosis or dna. I seem to be more affected and concerned, maybe because I am a parent now. Before I had the babies I was so worried that I would cry and be depressed all the time. That’s what I grew up around. I’ve spent this year going deep into myself, learning ways to manage difficult times and be a good mom. I finally feel like the crack in my foundation is repaired. It takes a long time to get over a loss of someone close. And to deal with all the emotions that come up.
2016 sounds good to me. A real fresh start! Now that my foundation is solid I can start building my house. I have several shows scheduled for the new year. They are group shows with GAP, collaborative work as well as a solo piece in each show. I will probably have two solo pieces in the first show at Room Art Gallery because I was not a part of most of the Collaborative work that will be shown at Room. I have so much great work already done, but I am still making so much headway in my studio. The second show is The San Francisco International Art Festival.
This is very exciting. We are making a giant collaborative piece. We are forbidden to post any work for this show on facebook, so you’ll have to come see the show to check out the work! No sneak peeks!!
My New Years Resolution is to stay present in each moment. One day I said that in a therapy session. My therapist asked “What does staying present mean to you?”
I didn’t know how to answer, all I could think of was being in the moment. But it’s more than that. Sometimes it’s easier than others. Yesterday in my studio I felt present, as I worked I wasn’t rushing, each mark I made, each decision I made was calm and unhurried.
I kept off the “merry go round” and that is what I’d like to do in 2016. Less worrying and hurrying. Less analyzing everything. I want to use my coping skills in moments when I’m freaking out. I want to be more conscious about what I have already accomplished, not what I haven’t done yet, need to do, want to do. Take heed in the saying “love thy self”
It’s almost seven now, time to get to work. I can hear Fiona on the monitor.
Happy New Year!!!