The catheter was in, Zappa lying down, I was by her side petting her ears, her face, avoiding the vertebra protruding, her ribs, her sunken in sides, her massive fatty cyst. Three drugs were injected, the first to numb her veins, the second to relax her, the third phenobarbital. After the second drug was injected her whole body relaxed, the shaking and panting stopped, I started to cry, then the final beat of her heart, I cried harder. The questions ran through my mind, is it too soon, am I doing the right thing? But I knew it was and that I was. I told Billy to say goodbye to Zappa before we left. Alan said “Come on Jen, let’s go, she doesn’t understand you.” But just at that moment Zappa and Billy started licking each other’s faces. This morning when I went to feed Billy her breakfast I felt an emptiness in the back yard. Zappa is gone. It’s been an emotional several months, since Zappa has gotten weak and incontinent. The feelings have wavered between annoyance, guilt, sadness, and avoidance. Zappa started following me one morning on 23rd and Downer. I was walking Wiggly. Zappa was just a little tiny puppy. I took her home. My roommate Meg said “No Way!” We already had two dogs and a cat. I called my mom and she said “YES”. I took Zappa and Wiggly on a road trip that weekend to Death Valley. We camped out under the stars. The next day we went exploring Devil’s Hole. It was at least 100 degrees. Sunday night I dropped Zappa off at my Mom’s house. She lived there until December 20th, 2008. After my Mom died I took Zappa back. I’ve never had a dog live for so long, 14 years. I got home from the Vet and needed to take a shower. I cried more in the shower, I thought of when Zappa and Billy first came to me, I took them on walks every morning, they kept my Mom close to me. I could smell her house on their collars and bedding. We mourned her loss together. I thought of how Zappa would run so fast to catch her ball. I haven’t been able to take her for a walk in months because of the weakness in her legs. She hasn’t had a good quality of life lately but she still seemed so happy all the time, until yesterday. I think saying goodbye to Zappa was saying goodbye to my Mom again. All the pain from that loss is at the surface again. I had to make the decision to turn off the machines at the hospital when my Mom had the heart attack. It brought back those memories. The final decision. The certainty that time can’t be turned back. The reminder of years gone by. The knowing that the end will come for me too.
Category: introspection
-
I love my body. 43 years old, the true collector of memory. Everything I’ve been through stored inside, marks on the outside. Scars, brown spots, wrinkles, varicose veins, dry heals, hair, a tattoo, looser skin than a decade ago. On the inside old aches meet new aches. Time to get a mammogram. I feel so exposed. My ovaries are swollen and painful, my uterus is complicated. I am glad both babies already had their morning poop so I can sit here longer. I’m tired, maybe the 2 shots of tequila yesterday wore me out. The coffee doesn’t seem to be helping me, it’s just leaving a gross taste on my tongue because I used too much honey. But I’m still drinking it. My mind is foggy this morning just like the sky outside. The babies are having fun playing together. I feel lucky. I need to stretch my body today. Drink lots of water, take a bath and go for a walk. My bodies tired. My back is sore, I was kneeling this morning with Jack, I went to stand up but he was so heavy I fell to the side. It’s like doing dead lifts everyday all day long. My body is getting so strong. I feel the babies are growing restless, they will be wanting my attention soon. I will need to make breakfast and clean the kitchen. I wish this coffee would give me some energy. I used to think If I was super healthy, ate raw foods, no caffeine, kept my body super pure I would feel so much better. I always felt like I needed to change. Now I feel that way of thinking just puts too much un-needed pressure on myself.
-
Since it getting close to my birthday I’ve decided to write my Advice list for new moms with twins. This is being written one year into raising twins.
*This list is for entertainment purposes ONLY
#1. When you first bring the babies home you need help. Choose wisely, avoid letting anyone come live with you that drives you crazy.
#2. Lower your expectations about getting anything done.
#3. One day you’ll feel like you’ve given up everything. Like you’ve stopped doing everything you did before. You’ll wonder who you are. Are you just a milk machine? A maid? Don’t worry, this too shall pass.
#4. When you remember who you are again and some of the things you enjoyed doing become clear again, it’s still too soon to do them, you’ll be too damn tired.
#5. Everyone’s going to want to come see the babies. If you don’t want company just say NO! They’ll get over it. They are your babies and it’s your life.
#6. Don’t stop going to therapy.
#7. If you feel you are really depressed talk to your doctor. Don’t be ashamed to get on Zolof.
#8. If you need sunshine get some. #9. Do yoga and walk as much as you can, ideally every day.
#10. Take hot baths with mineral salts.
#11. Stay Calm.
#12. Your relationship with your partner will be strained. Try to have a date night as often as you can.
#13. Find another new mom of twins to hang out with. Preferably one who’s super cool, down to earth, likes to go on walks, and is down to share a bottle of wine with you even if it’s before noon.
#14. Try to eat healthy food and drink lots of water.
#15. Get the babies on the same schedule as much as possible.
#16. Get them on their tummies, they will crawl sooner this way. The more they can do to entertain themselves the more time you’ll have to drink coffee and write advice lists.
#17. Don’t feel guilty if you don’t feel sexual, that’s just the way it is, your partner will have to understand. In time you guys will reconnect and enjoy a sex life again.
#18. Take care of your body. Use lots of lotion and try to get a pedicure, maybe even a massage.
#19. Don’t take any moment for granted.
#20. Learn meditation.
#21. You’ll say you want to learn to play the guitar so you can play songs and sing to the babies. It’s not gonna happen. Accept it.
#22. Don’t get offended if some of your best friends don’t come see the babies. They still love you.
#23. Get outside with the babies every day.
#24. Remember every moment will pass.
#25. Emotions aren’t reality, they are temporary.
#26. You’ll lose yourself but you will be found.
#27. You’ll be inundated with stuff, purge as often as you can.
#28. Don’t forget they are only babies for a short time.
#29. Try to get at least one day to yourself. Tell your partner your life depends on it. If you can’t think of anything to do, go to the mall, get a coffee, pedicure, and some lunch. Try to meet a friend.
#30. Stock up on pain pills for the first few months, you’ll have neck and back pain like you’ve never know before. You’ll get stronger though, don’t worry.
#31. Don’t worry about the babies crying, babies cry, it’s in their nature. You can’t always stop them. If it starts to really bother you wear headphones and listen to music.
#32. Don’t focus too much on division of labor between you and your partner. You’ll do this at first and it takes up too much energy. Just accept it’s never going to be equal.
#33. Read as much advice about raising twins as you want but always follow your own heart.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 