Eyes shaky, Head foggy, feel a twitch under my eye every so often. Fan on, humming louder than I remember it. An old muffin wrapper, black pepper in a tin can, salt in glass, a yogurt top with dried yogurt on it, a shriveled-up apple core, a plastic bag that once contained a hardboiled egg, a sports bra, paintings, bits and pieces of paintings, plastic bags from the art store, receipts, old socks that became rags, paintings, paint tubes, brushes, everything used, everything marching to its last stroke, it’s last droplet of paint, used up, garbage now, painting like a mad woman. I can’t stop painting. Just one more thing, one more color. Does it work? Does it not work? I guess it’s right for this moment. Deep breath. Take a drink of water. Calm down. Turn off fan. It’s quiet now. Let eyes adjust. Don’t focus on twitch. In through the nose out from the mouth.
Category: studio time
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Kneeling on the cold bathroom tile, head over the toilet, muscles contracting in my chest, my back tightening, aching, body heaving; there is nothing left. I feel a warm hug around my back, it’s Jack. I sit up and sob. “I feel so bad” I say. “I feel bad I can’t be here for Jack and Fiona today” I say to Alan. He has stepped up today, his longest day yet taking care of Jack and Fiona. I told him this morning, “I might need to stay in bed today, up all night with the flu”. Wednesday it was Jack, Thursday Fiona, Friday me, then true to form Saturday Alan was on the couch with the flu; I was back in action. I missed Jack and Fiona on Friday. I missed our morning routine, our bed time routine, this was the first time ever to miss both. They understood though, they knew I was sick and they had some understanding of what it felt like; even though they are only two and a half and true empathy doesn’t develop for years to come, but I felt something, something I have taught them, to care.
Today I am recovered, Monday morning. Taking time for myself in my studio. I notice that “Creepy Kitty Lady and Scary Pumpkin Face” need more work. I white out the whole painting. My hands are covered in paint; I should be wearing gloves. I re-work my “Creepy Kittty and Pumpkin Face” and love it. Lately I’ve been thinking ambiguity is the death of paintings. A painting needs a clear intention to be successful. That can come quickly or through tortured time, but when I paint something genuine I know. It might take time to know. Sometimes I think a painting I’ve done is really good, I post it on Facebook, then the next day I feel it isn’t right, I get a new idea to make it better, more specific. That’s the process. The process of painting. Which brings me to my “Book Project”, I am so stoked on my books. I am working on many at one time, experimenting with new ways of displaying them, it’s really exciting and so “Me”. I will be “un-veiling” my new series next October during my “solo” show! (hush hush-more details to follow throughout 2017) I am also planning on publishing my “Naptime Paintings” Memoir. I will “un-veil” at the same time. My brother has taken the job of “editor” for “Naptime Paintings”. I’m really excited.
I used to get so down in the dumps when I’d miss time exercising or painting from being sick or the babies being sick or just life getting in the way! Especially during PMS!!! I used to be SO much more filled with SELF DOUBT! I feel like I’ve really changed, it’s been gradual and hard coming, but I finally feel all my mindfulness practice is paying off. I can look at things now in a “general” way. I can tell when I start going down the rabbit hole and can stop myself. I don’t wake up and say “I’m gonna change my life: start eating better, start exercising more, do this and that better, stop doing this or that.” I’ve grown past that into acceptance of “the way things are at any given moment” and the way I AM at any given moment. It’s quite a change for me, and a welcome one at that. Maybe it’s an un-shedding. A letting go; A welcoming of good things, not thinking I don’t deserve them. The guilt, such a waste of emotions!!! I realized today I am taking “being a painter” as a real job! The sales I’ve made at my show at The Fourth Wall have really helped propel myself into this direction once and for all! I know I won’t “make the mortgage” or anything like that selling my paintings! But at least now my pieces are starting to be appreciated and taken to new wonderful homes and hung on new wonderful walls for people to enjoy!
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Oh my Gosh! Tonight is the night! Carl and my show is opening at The Fourth Wall Gallery! The show looks awesome. I have made some new works for the bin, which now will include works over $250 because they are just so good! Some will now be $350, which is still a great deal. I really hope we get some art lovers who will loosen those purse strings! Buy Art! I have included two of my “Notebooks” in the show. They are “Journey into Abstraction” and “The lives of the Painters” they are part of a series of “Scrap Books” I’ve been working on since 2014. I sometimes call them my “Note book project”, or “re-purposed journal project”. Some of the books created also fall under a project I am currently involved in with GAP, “The Global Art Project”. This project is called Dis/locations; (The Lives of The painters falls under this umbrella as a solo entry)
“Journey into Abstraction” was started in December 2014. I was beginning to explore non-objective abstract painting. I would lay out 20 or 30 pieces of paper at a time, some of it re-purposed prints, some new paper; I worked mainly on the floor, using acrylic paint, watercolor, charcoal, graphite, water based oils, reacting to marks and colors. When I started thinking too much the work was ruined. I am interested in Wabi Sabi philosophies and kept the ideas in my mind as working; mistakes became the work, running off the edges, stream of consciousness, making marks from my gut. Out of hundreds of paintings I selected my “most successful” and put them in this journal. It is a documentation of time and exploration of paint.
“The Lives of the Painters” began in the actual book, The Lives of the Painters. It was an old book my mom had; I found it at her house after she had died. I always wanted to do something with it but was intimidated to work in a “Book”. I got acquainted with the process in an old medical dictionary that was part of a colab GAP book. Carl had made a few marks, then passed it to me. Every day I painted I would paint in that book as well, or draw. I passed that book back to Carl and we started two more collaborative books that belonged to the same batch of old books I found at my mom’s house. One was an Italian Poem book. Working in these books, I felt connected to my mom, I thought about how she would have loved to participate in this project. I started my solo, “The lives of the Painters” almost a year ago. The first thing I reacted to was the book was filled with male artists only. I got mad several times and too aggressive with the book. It didn’t take long before the whole binding was ruined and fell apart. I was disappointed. But I decided to use a black artists sketch book like I did in “Journey Into Abstraction” to save what I could, which turned out to be a lot. In this book I added collage and work on both sides of the pages. I would attach one side and respond to it on the other page, much like we do when working collaboratively with another person. I was very happy with the end result. I never work in my studio now without working on my notebook projects. It’s part of my process.
I would like visitors to the gallery to feel free to look through my books, take time with them, touch them.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 