“I Love you” I say through the speaker phone to Jack and Fiona, they are driving in the truck with Alan. A sweet symphony of “I love yous” echos back through the phone. I hang up and cry. They are so sweet, I would die if anything happened to them. I feel so sad. I’m half way through Oliver Stones, “The Untold History of the United States” on Netflix. Maybe I shouldn’t have started watching it. I can’t stop crying. I feel so sad. It’s so depressing. I’m really, really, sad. All those people killed, all the little kids and babies. All the bombs, all the destruction. It’s almost too much pain to imagine. Too much suffering to comprehend. I hate it. I hate war. I hate bombs. When George Bush bombed Iraq that was the first bombs I remember seeing being dropped. I was disturbed and depressed. It was awful and depressing. To learn that, that was just another killing of innocent people in the world done by America in a history of killing and killing and killing of innocent people. It’s really hard to take. I just needed to reach out and express myself today. I am SO SORRY WORLD for what America has done to keep power. I am so very, deeply sorry and ashamed. I feel so sad. Maybe it’s not good for me to watch this show and learn about this awful history that keeps repeating itself over and over again. It makes me understand why a person would set themselves on fire in protest over the non stop killing. Or become a total pacifist, or join a strange cult. It’s hard to have my eyes peeled open and my heart torn from my chest and there’s nothing I can do to help Peace in the world or help anything. I can see why most of the world, those like myself with the luxuries of a safe place to live, money, a good quality of life want to wear rose colored glasses and ignore what’s happening, what’s happened, not want to watch or read about the terrible things that are happening or have happened. I understand as an American wanting to think we are the good ones, we save people, we help people, we can change the world, we can bring peace. But I think “the powers that be” are so engrained in our world, that the course our civilization has set itself on is really one of doom and gloom. I can only love my family, my neighbors, my community, animals, the earth, and try to make up for my countries terrible ways by showing compassion and helping people when I can. Doing the tiny things I may be able to do before I die. I won’t get over this phase of depression ever, not knowing what I know now, thanks Oliver Stone! It will be another sadness deep inside my soul that melds with my own personal tragedies I’ve experienced through my life that never disappear. My optimism will remain, my glass always half full, but I know the truth of things and the suffering of things. That will never change.
Category: War and oil
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Murky Waters. Today. Loss. Death. Strange quiet highways. Nap Time. Jack and Fiona will be up soon. House still quiet. Today is the anniversary of my mom’s death. Paintings Murky and dark. Mind murky and dark. News not good. It’s impossible to remove myself from politics and what’s happening in the world. I try to not get affected by it and think, “Maybe it’s going to be O.K.” But then I hear another piece of the puzzle. The picture on the puzzle says War. I hung out with some friends the other day, people I don’t know super well. I started picking up on some things so I asked them who they voted for. “Trump”, my legs get weak. I turn pale. So many thoughts are running through my head. They are nice people and they said they did it for fiscal reasons. They are two out of three people I know who voted for Trump. I’m stumped up on Trump. I think what’s going on in politics is frightening and extremely sad. Today I thought about a conversation I had with my friend’s Israeli mom, she told me Trump was her pick for US president. I asked her why, she said “He will protect Israel.” When I heard the news today about David Friedman becoming the US ambassador to Israel, I realized Palestine was the next Target. It’s sad. We are in a War, and America’s not the good guy. A lot of people around the world are dying and suffering because of us. Trumps agenda will have lots of collateral damage. He’ll align himself with the most powerful, most rich men of the world. They are power hungry, they do not care who they take down along the way. Guns and money always win.
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No one is innocent, we are in an endless war. We all profit from the suffering of others, we all use products derived from oil, every country in the world is connected in some way through a history of oppression. We can’t escape it, we can’t ignore it, we can’t hide from it. We are all guilty. As I read more about the crisis in Syria and learn more about history in the middle east I realize how complicated the story is, but also unfixable, in my lifetime anyhow. So I need to accept this, accept that so many people are suffering, I feel just as bad for the extemists. Not the ones at the top, the ones with the power just like here or anywhere. Power corrupts. But I feel for the young fighters and suicide bombers. I can only imagine what horrible things they’ve seen in thier lifetime. I don’t feel bad for the ones raised in the US or France or England. Kids that had it all then decided to go kill people. But they exist, it all exists here and now and probably forever. I accept this fate. It makes sense that it would come to this.
Now for the good news! Today I am meeting up with Carl and Alvaro to work on a GAP collab, my first one! I’m excited. Then tonight I’m going to see Patti Smith give a talk on her book M Train. Which is also very exciting. Her book is amazing,I Feel soothed by her Voice. The babies are doing good, we’ve gone to the park and taken a walk. Now we’re eating toast with butter and marmalade and I’m on my second cup of coffee. I almost lost it for a minute because I really needed to write and after I spent so much time with the babies they still wouldn’t play on their own. Until now.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 