Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes

Mommyville

April 22nd, 2016
(Fionas’ IEP. Having no childcare with twins.) It’s 2:25 Friday afternoon. I just heard Jack say “mama” shit! I just put them down for their nap, sat down to write and poured myself a glass of wine. Finally, a break. Maybe he’ll go back to sleep. This week went by so fast. I think the babies are already used to being with me all the time. With the lack of naps lately and no childcare we’re hardly ever apart. I didn’t have time for the studio this week. I know how much of a luxury it is to be able to afford help a few times a week. I can also respect my hard work and dedication to the studio. It is almost impossible to find the time these days without the help. So all my “advice” or “judgement about” other moms not keeping up with their own “stuff” has been thrown out the window. The only solution I see now is hitting the studio at night after the babies are asleep, but I’m too tired. The other option I’ve been contemplating is sharing my studio with the babies, setting up a corner for them. I just think they are still too young. They put too much stuff in their mouths. I think that can happen next year. I’m patient. I can wait.



Fiona had her IEP today, it’s a progress report given every six months to children in the Early Intervention program. She is doing really well, her language is developing, she is a great listener, and is really good about wearing her hearing aids. It’s so crazy because, not only do I need to be so aware and present because I have two two year olds, but one has hearing loss, which gives me an added consideration. I need to make sure she understands the questions that I ask and not just let Jack answer everything, because he will! I can never be on parenting auto-pilot, I have to be constantly on guard, engaged, managing, aware, at all times, on both levels. Dealing with twins and having a child with hearing loss. It’s intense. But they are great, I love them so much. We get along so well and have so much fun. I went to the Zoo with a dear friend of mine yesterday, she was with me every step of the way through all the years of infertility. Every time we talked on the phone for ten years she would ask, “Are you pregnant?” Once I said yes. But then I had the awful miscarriage. I used to get mad at her for asking me all the time and encouraging me to keep trying, to do anything and everything. Yesterday we were talking, it was her birthday, we had just found out Prince died. We were hit by the facts of “Life’s so short” She said “Aren’t you glad you did it?” (did everything possible to have the babies) I said, “Yes” and I am. Lots of women would tell me through the years not to have kids. “It is too much work” or “You won’t be able to be an artist” or “they grow up and don’t like you anymore” It is a lot of work, it is hard to get in the studio without help, and they may hate me when they grow up, (but I doubt it, we’re like three peas in a pod) but it’s all so worth it. There were lots of parents who said that too, that it was all worth it. And they were right.



It sounds like Jack went back to sleep! I’m stoked. When we were at the Zoo yesterday we went into the petting Zoo. They have goats, chickens, ducks, a donkey, a pig, horses, I love it there. We love it there. Fiona and Jack wanted to brush the goats, so they got their brushes. The first goat that came by us was Snickers, he was a white goat with long curled horns, short, with a big round belly. I started petting him and Jack and Fiona started brushing him. Then another goat came out with brown fur and blue eyes, Jack looked at her and got a little scared. The brown goat came around and all the sudden both goats’ faces were right by Jacks face, he got really scared and had me pick him up. I could only imagine what was going through his mind. I think he thought there were twenty goats all around his face! It was pretty funny. We went into the insect exhibit which was really cool. I thought they would be too young, but it was right up their ally. Before we went in I told them what insects they knew, “Potato bugs, caterpillars, spiders, ants, flies, bees” Wow, I thought, that’s a lot of insects! That might be our first stop next time we go to the Zoo!




There are so many things to do with little kids. It’s so funny, since I haven’t had child care one thing is for sure, Jack and Fiona are wiped out by the end of the day. They’ve been going to bed by 6:30 or 7:00! I make sure I keep them active, we spend most of our time outdoors getting dirty. The other thing they’ve had to do is go grocery shopping with me. That really tires them out. And there’s the nap factor. They take way less naps when I’m with them. Not by my choice!!! I think they just don’t want to miss out on any fun. Now they’ve been sleeping for an hour and a half, the question is should I wake them up so they’ll go to bed early? Or let them sleep risking a nine o’clock bedtime? MMM! I feel good though, even though I had brutal insomnia last night. I’m feeling OK.



They’re awake now!
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The Ultimate Housewife

April 19th, 2016
Just a housewife. Pickin’ up; the floor littered with Legos, Blocks, dirty clothes, every time I think I have it all picked up I walk by another dirty dish to bring to the sink and wash or bend down to pick up a piece of trash on the floor, blood rushing to my face, realizing my hamstrings are tight and I need to stretch. Putting it away, throwing it away, giving it away. Taking it. (Me: A Whore. It all comes down to fucking. Wet and Big. Vulgarity.) Time to vacuum. Vacuous. Space. My two year old son keeps saying something that sounds like fuck but I’m convincing myself it’s truck. And on the deck last night my daughter said, “People die” as she looked to the sky. I said, “are there people in the sky?” She said yes. Indulging myself I asked, “Is my mom in the sky?” She said, “Yes”. It’s Naptime now. Hummus, corn chips, cherry tomatoes, and ginger tea for lunch. Air hot, humid today. Time to take off my bra for the rest of the day. This morning after I dropped the babies off at Early Start, I walked Billy on the trail behind the school, green hills with patches of purple, dark shadows under the oak tree, the warm air tempting me to take off all my clothes and walk naked on the dirt trail. I used to hike topless in the nineties, protesting the fact that men can take off their shirts almost anywhere and it would be accepted, but not me, I’m not supposed to show too much cleavage, I’m supposed to keep my breasts covered with bras and tops, not too tight or I look slutty, not too loose or I look frumpy. The outlines or raised surface of my nipples to be masked, hidden. I was always self-conscious of my boobs. I finally don’t care anymore. There is a man cutting trees in the neighborhood, his power tool is so loud, I need to close all the windows before I go crazy. That is so much better. As I just made my way through the house, closing windows and doors, I picked up a piece of stuffing from pink bear, looked at surfaces that needed cleaning, wondered if I should stop writing and start dusting or stop writing and go paint something before the babies wake up. I have some decisions and considerations to make. Now and beyond. I am flying solo right now, no part time babysitter or nanny. I’ve had someone three days a week since Jack and Fiona were Eight months old. Between those three days and naptimes I’ve been keeping my head above water and have been able to write and paint. I’ve considered being an artist my job, justifying the expense of the part time nanny, plus being able to take breaks to keep my own sanity. But I make no money being an artist, I only spend money. My husband always used to say “Art is a hobby”, I would get so mad. But maybe he’s right. Maybe I should become something else. Maybe I should focus on raising Jack and Fiona and do art on the side. Be the ultimate housewife. It never dawned on me until after the last democratic presidential debate that I’m not accruing any social security benefits. (thanks Hilary for reminding me) I never thought about it too hard because I’ve always worked. Until now. I still work but it’s all under the table. No one knows what I do but my husband. Am I a kept woman? Am I a whore? Am I both of those things? Am I a ghost? Division of labor. Traditional vs. Non- Traditional. It’s fluid and multi-dimensional. I like cleaning, being a housewife, a mom. Raising Jack and Fiona. But I always feel like there’s more I could do. I feel like I should bring home a paycheck somehow. But how? I’m going to be a stay at home mom until Jack and Fiona go to Elementary School. That’s always been the plan. So the question is should I save money on the nanny until then? Or will I be giving up too much painting time? Time to myself? Free Time? Will I go CRAZY? Or am I already crazy? Maybe no one would ever hire me again? Maybe I would never want to work for anyone again. Well it’s almost that time. Jack and Fiona will wake up soon. I need to finish cleaning before they get upstairs, because they will be ready to make another big mess, and then the mess will multiple and take forever to clean!
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Spooky Afternoon

April 14th, 2016
I think I heard them and I think I need to go get them soon. I had a short break, I got them down by 2:00pm, we went to a super fun playdate this morning. After I put them down I came upstairs, planning on writing. But the shelves stared back at me, the low shelves, my anxiety and stress, I need to reduce the danger. I feel like I spend most of my spare time these days putting everything that’s on shelves into boxes behind locked doors. I barely write or paint anymore. I’m constantly locking things away, childproofing, and pulling Jack and Fiona out of sinks. I spend a lot of time thinking about what they’ll get into next. They’re so fast and able. It’s Insane. It’s driving me Insane, I’m always in fight or flight mode. When they are awake I have to constantly be on the move, simultaneously preparing snacks and meals, cleaning up, playing playdough with Fiona, pushing Jack on the swing or turning on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, “Oh Tootles” or is it “Toodles?” “We need to find a mouskatool” How silly. I never watched Mickey Mouse as a little kid, my mom was anti- Disney. I have to admit I’m intrigued by the sick shit, which it really is. Especially the way none of the mouse’s have teeth. And how Minnie and Daisy Duck have eyelashes and big butts, heals, and bloomers sticking out. Did Minnie or Daisy ever have baby ducks? Now I know how moms can become totally absorbed in their children. I said it would never happen to me, that I was strong enough, but sometimes I feel like giving in, just being a mom. It takes so much energy, especially now. I think until they are three. I’ll still write and paint, but I’m not putting myself on a strict schedule for a while, a few months. The babies are awake now. Something happened a few minutes ago. I’m so paranoid, I heard a door screech. I thought there was someone in the house. I got a knife and walked out of the kitchen down the hall quietly holding the knife out like I was in a horror film. I realized it was only the bathroom door that had creaked. It’s a breezy afternoon. Kind of spooky afternoon. I put the knife back and then I started to worry about the knives, what if the babies get to the knives. I started trying to find a practical place to store the knives and nowhere worked. I started to panic before I was able to pull myself away from my own paranoia. It was intense. Now I have to go get them.
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