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Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes

  • Thoughts on Fiona’s hearing loss

    July 14th, 2015

    We had fun today! It’s been the perfect day and the babies are taking an afternoon nap. Today was the last day of summer school. In the fall Fiona will be old enough to go all three days and Jack gets to go with her. It’s really difficult to tell how far behind Fiona is in language development. I’ve never really thought of Fiona as having a learning disability, it seems like it’s just as hard for all babies to learn things at this age. But it looks like, at least for the next several years her hearing loss is a learning disability. She needs extra care when it comes to communication, especially teaching her to say what she wants, needs, and feels.  It’s impossible to tell if she is slower than Jack on certain things because of her hearing loss or because she’s just different. We just have to wait and see.

    When Fiona was first born she didn’t pass the hearing screening done in the hospital. The nurse told us, but said she thought it was a mistake, that the machine had been acting funny. Over the next four days while we were in the hospital they tested her a few more times, each time getting the same result. I wasn’t upset, I don’t know why. Maybe because we had been trying to have a baby for so long and here we were with two beautiful babies. I didn’t really know what it meant. I’ve never known anyone very well with a hearing loss. I worked with children with other kinds of disabilities, autism and mobility issues, but never deafness or hearing loss. The hardest part in the beginning was the reaction of everyone else. The way people would say, “She seems normal, I can’t believe she can’t hear.” Or “I think she heard that, are you sure she can’t hear?” I would have to explain again and again the facts, I still do. People always ask, “Will it get better?” Like it’s a sickness she will overcome.

    I had appointment after appointment the first several months. Three hour long audiology appointments where I had to hold Fiona still on my lap with electrodes attached to her head to measure brain activity. One day we had to go to a genetics doctor. It was in an old San Francisco building at the corner of Geary and Divisadero. Fiona was only seven weeks old, still asleep as we met Dr. Elison. He asks us a bunch of questions, we tell him “no, there is no known deafness in our family tree, and no known infections in utero.” The genetics doctor says we can do a blood test to see if she’s positive for connexin 26/30. This test rules out syndromic deafness. I can’t even see how they could find a vein in her little arm. I decided at that point no more tests. We were done.

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  • Memory Stains, Missing things

    July 13th, 2015

    I hear a squirrel and a blue Jay in the trees. I think a mosquito is buzzing around my head, I hope it doesn’t bite me. Kids are playing at the park, a basketball hits the concrete, “Pa Pa Pa.”  Chimes ring, the cob webs flutter in the breeze. Mid July, late summer’s quickly approaching. Brown Oak leaves and jasmine flowers scatter across the blue stone. I can’t remember the last time Alan and I sat out here, had a BBQ, or had anyone over for dinner. We’ve been out here to use the Baby swing. The rosemary has grown so big. It’s been ages since I’ve used some twigs to put on top of a roast chicken. I used to love that part. I’d be wearing my apron, the chicken prepped, giblets simmering on the stove for Billy. Sometimes I’d have opened a bottle of wine to cook with and helped myself to a glass. I would be so excited walking out and breaking off a piece of rosemary, smelling it. Proud of myself and thinking I did something really nice for my husband, making him a Roasted Chicken. I felt like a good wife.  I had time today to research a menu for tonight, Ramona’s working till 6:00. I went to the grocery store, but I had no desire to cook, I bought Sukhi’s Tandoori chicken dinner and Uncle Ben’s microwave basmati rice.

    collagemon

    Fiona had her home visit this morning with Linda from Early Start. (http://jade.marinschools.org/Student-Programs/Special-Education/Pages/Early-Start.aspx )She did very well, Linda and I heard her say flower while we read her a book. I am learning sign language, it’s not as hard as I thought it would be, Jacks learning too. Fiona hasn’t been as interested in the signs as Jack. I went to yoga today. I missed the babies being with me and really missed them for lunch at the veggi grill. When I got home I almost came upstairs when the babies woke up from their nap because I missed them so much, but I decided I should take my time. I worked in the studio on some collages. I had strange fragmented memories while I was working. I thought of my grandma’s house in the summer on Long Island. It may be the musty smell of the paper I’m using. I was reminded of an uncomfortable time, when my body wasn’t mine. A time when I’d creep around the old house when everyone was sleeping searching for secrets. It brought me right back to now.

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  • Awkwardness

    July 12th, 2015

    Alan and I had a day off together yesterday without babies. We were both extremely tired so we did the usual thing, lunch and a movie, then a stop at the grocery store before returning home.

    I noticed a pear in our grocery cart that was dented because Alan placed a can of tuna on it, but he said it was me!

    “I’ll get in line.” He says.

    “O.K.” I say. I walk over to the pears, contemplating what to do with the damaged pear, should I give it to the lady at the checkout stand?  Nah. I decide to put it back in the bin and hope no one will choose it. I feel a little guilty about this. Especially after I spent the morning ranting on people’s behavior.

    “There’s poop here, in the kids’ park! How could someone do this? I HATE people, how can they be so inconsiderate?” I said to Alan earlier that day. I followed with a list of the other things that really annoy me:

    -People letting their dogs bark at the park at 7:30am on the weekends

    – People driving crazy, not paying any mind to anyone else

    – People simply annoying me for no apparent reason but to annoy me

    I get back to the cash register and realize Alan’s in the lane with the checkout lady I ALWAYS avoid because it’s always awkward.

    “Hi, your hair looks different, did you cut it?” she says.

    “Um, maybe? Maybe it’s been cut?” I say.

    “Yeah, it’s different, it’s longer in the front.” She says.

    I clear my throat, make comments on how Alan’s packing the groceries.

    “Don’t smash the bananas” I say.

    “Do you have a cold?” she asks me.

    “No, allergies” I say.

    “Press right here, do you feel it?” She shows me a spot on the back of my neck. “Make sure you’re in the hole at the base of the skull, do you feel it? Do you feel clearer? You might have to do it longer.” I nod, I just want to move past this. I feel nothing but awkward and my nose isn’t even stuffed up, I just have an itchy throat. “What did you guys do today?” She asks.

    “We went to the movies.” I say.

    “What movie?”

    “Spy”

    “Was it good?”

    “Yes, it was funny.”

    “I haven’t been to the movies in a long time, I can’t sit that long, remember my knee? How I broke my Knee? It hurts if I sit for a long time.” She says.

    Finally I swipe my credit card, we walk out the door.

    “Why did you go to her lane? I never go to her lane.” I say to Alan.

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  • A journal: 20 Days during the Pandemic. Getting back in the studio. Daily Writing and Studio Practice September 21st to October 10th 2020.
  • Blog
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  • Dirty Laundry Blog
  • My Peloton version 2
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  • Random Tips for twin parents

 

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