• Blog
    • A journal: 20 Days during the Pandemic. Getting back in the studio. Daily Writing and Studio Practice September 21st to October 10th 2020.
    • Blog
    • Catitudes
    • Dirty Laundry Blog
    • My Peloton version 2
    • Portfolio
    • Random Tips for twin parents
  • Portfolio
  • A journal: 20 Days during the Pandemic. Getting back in the studio. Daily Writing and Studio Practice September 21st to October 10th 2020.
  • Random Tips for twin parents
www.jennyhynes.com/

Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes

  • Just an Ordinary Week

    October 5th, 2018

    “Look Mom, this isn’t poop, it’s dried something else” Jack says.

    “Drop that Jack, that is definitely poop, eww, lets go wash your hands, that’s so grost, we’ll just wash your hands really good with soap and water, poop is dangerous, you can’t touch poop.” I say.

    We smelt and saw the poop last Friday morning when I dropped Jack off at school. It was definitely poop.

    On my walk in Boyd Park, after I left Jacks school, I saw a man in a sleeping bag talking to a woman sitting next to him. They had early morning red eyes, it was sleeping time for them. I almost asked them if they knew anyone who would leave a giant sleeping bag, a large tarp, a box which contained- (a ton of giant clips, a playboy magazine, and a bunch of bungie clips), an ax, cutters, and two animal skulls on a piece of land (Urban Wildlife Interface) near some houses.  I imagined myself explaining where the stuff was and what it looked like. I walked by and only said good morning. On the outside of the plastic bin that was left near my house on the U.W.I., there was a name and number. I called the number; a man answered the phone. I texted him a picture of the box and the contents of the box. He said that someone re-purposed the container, and that they probably found it in a dumpster a couple months ago when the man whose number was on the container threw it away.

    Our neighborhood just cleaned up all the open space around us that was thick with scotch broom and dead trees for years. It’s beautiful now, there’s places you could set up camp. This was my first experience with something like this, it is difficult. At first, I felt empathetic towards the camper/drifter/man. Then I felt creeped out thinking about someone living in the woods behind my house. A person who I don’t know, who’s hiding down a path, behind trees and bushes. I thought of this person accidentally starting a fire, I thought of the safety of my kids and my neighbors. I took necessary action immediately. I had an officer come and help me move the person’s things out of the woods. The officer left a note, telling the person his stuff was at the road and that camping was not allowed at this location.

    It’s been a week and the person never came back for his stuff. It’s sitting on our road, wet, and disgusting. Tomorrow it will be taken to the dump. I wonder what happened to the man who owns the stuff? Did he see me with the cop and get scared? Or did he decide to leave his stuff and live somewhere else?

    It’s also been over a week since Christine Blasey Ford testified. As the week went by, all of us watched, all of us who felt Dr. Fords pain last week, felt it as our pain, were reminded of our own sexual assaults, reminded that we’ve been raised in a patriarchal society. We saw this week we live in a world where men protect men. It started to become clear that getting their guy confirmed to the supreme court was so much more important than anything else. The campaign to protect our boys, our sons, our husbands has begun. “The poor men” the republicans cried all week.

    I don’t feel sorry for men.

    Share this:

    • Tweet
    • Email a link to a friend (Opens in new window) Email
    • Print (Opens in new window) Print
    • Share on WhatsApp (Opens in new window) WhatsApp
    Like Loading…
  • We can Grieve

    September 30th, 2018

    Last night, at bedtime routine, Fiona and Jack sitting next to me while I read Mouse Soup. I was able to slip back into now. I was able to escape my painful memories of childhood that have been brought up recently. I read Mouse Soup and Flat Stanley, Fiona fully engaged, Jack sometimes attentive, sometimes being distracting by talking, or saying “I’m so tired”. Fiona always asks for one more book to be read. She’s so sweet and innocent and I told myself that last night, I reminded myself that. My kids remind me that there is still room for innocence and happiness in my life. That experiences and memories may shape who I am, but they don’t define who I am. I want to stop always thinking I’m in trouble or I did something bad. It’s not a healthy way to live. I’m going to work on this.

    Last week as I cried I felt guilty. I felt guilty for giving into my emotions like that, for almost wanting to go straight to bed and ask my husband to do the bedtime routine. I had cancelled all my obligations on Thursday and Friday, my days with a babysitter. I spent the days working in my studio and writing. It was what I needed to do. I still felt guilty about cancelling on good friends and a school meeting with Fiona’s teacher. But I was a mess. On Friday, after my shower I looked in the mirror and I didn’t look so bad. I had been crying for two days but I didn’t look terrible. I looked a bit better. On Saturday I woke up and felt even better. I wish I would have given myself the permission I needed to cry like I wanted to. To feel what I felt when I listened to Christine Blasey Ford’s testimony. To remember my experience and not feel guilty for feeling sad and feeling unworthy as a mom, a depressed mom, but instead to accept my feelings just as they unfolded. I wish I wouldn’t have felt scared to tell my husband how I was feeling, how sad I was, how I was assaulted violently as a fifteen-year-old. I’m going to work on this.

    The next time something comes up and I want to cry or go hide under the covers I want to do those things proudly. I want to un-silence myself. I think we can live in both places, in the painful memories and experiences and the happiness of the now. I don’t think it has to be one or the other. If I cry over something awful that happened in my past it doesn’t mean, I’ll cry forever over it or that it has anything to do with how I feel about my life now. It’s a lesson my children should learn too, sometimes we remember sad things and feel sad. It’s natural. I’m going to work on this.

    I grieved with the country last week. I grieved about my own trauma and the trauma of C.B.F. and I grieved about the patriarchal system I was raised in. The system that has shaped my life, my feelings towards myself. I had an awakening, I felt systematic sexism in a visceral way. It shook me to my core. I am committed to fight against this system as I always have been, but now it’s personal. I will fight, but keep the balance, as my kids and I watch the beautiful colored leaves fall to the ground at the park, or we play with stuffies or look for butterflies. There’s beauty in this world, there’s love, kindness, and hope. I can feel all things, I don’t need to censor myself. I give myself permission to feel optimistic, to feel pain, to feel everything my body has to give. I will work on this.

    Share this:

    • Tweet
    • Email a link to a friend (Opens in new window) Email
    • Print (Opens in new window) Print
    • Share on WhatsApp (Opens in new window) WhatsApp
    Like Loading…
  • DisComfort

    September 28th, 2018

    I woke up yesterday morning, made breakfast for me and the kids and turned on Mickey Mouse in the kitchen. I took my coffee and toast into the living room and turned on the news. Christine Blasey Ford was giving her opening statement. I didn’t know it was going to be on live TV. Her words hit me like a sledge hammer in the gut. Almost eighteen hours later I am still raw. I’m trying not to cry. I can’t describe exactly how I’m feeling. I’m just flooded with memories and emotions about what happened to me at 15 and how I never told anyone. I can feel that shaken feeling you get after an attack. The soreness on your arms, I imagined what the bruises looked like, as I sat in the bath yesterday. I remember crying softly so my mom couldn’t hear me. I had the door locked. My mom was right outside, I could have told her what happened to me, the trauma I just endured. I never did. Yesterday Christine Blassey Ford gave me permission to acknowledge that what happened to me was wrong and not my fault. And I feel pain in that. What happened to me, when I was fifteen altered me. When I talk to parents now about their teenagers, I always preface that, I was a bad teenage, I was always in trouble, I did bad things. In our Being Human Residency, we had already been talking about the stages of development in our kids and ourselves as kids. My stinky, bloody, dark, teenage box had already been pried open. My years of sexual trauma is intertwined with myself as a child. Being taken advantage of. I want to run from it. I get scared, I might get in trouble for being depressed about this stuff. For being triggered like this. One night, when I was sixteen, my mom told another mom, “It wasn’t your daughters’ fault, my daughter’s the ring leader here, she’s a bad seed”. I think my mom may have even been grabbing my hair and shoving me in the car. I have been taught it’s my fault I was sexually assaulted. I thought it wasn’t important because it happened when I was a kid. That anything in High School didn’t count. Never talk about it. I don’t really know what steps to take to work my way out of this, I don’t know how much I should try to bury it again, pretend it didn’t happen, or write about it, or talk about it, or cry about it. I still feel ashamed by it. I feel uncomfortable.  

    Share this:

    • Tweet
    • Email a link to a friend (Opens in new window) Email
    • Print (Opens in new window) Print
    • Share on WhatsApp (Opens in new window) WhatsApp
    Like Loading…
←Previous Page
1 … 51 52 53 54 55 … 244
Next Page→

  • A journal: 20 Days during the Pandemic. Getting back in the studio. Daily Writing and Studio Practice September 21st to October 10th 2020.
  • Blog
  • Catitudes
  • Dirty Laundry Blog
  • My Peloton version 2
  • Portfolio
  • Random Tips for twin parents

  • Subscribe Subscribed
    • Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes
    • Join 330 other subscribers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes
    • Subscribe Subscribed
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar
%d