On the brink of nuclear war is what the headline says today. I sit at my computer screen in early January it seems dark and gloomy. My house seems like a mess, dirty things everywhere. The kettle pops. I pour boiling water over my chamomile tea bag. Socks on the floor, groceries on the counter, left over breakfast on the table, overconsumption, waste. I sit at my computer; my dog moves to be right near me. It’s quiet. I stop panicking just a little. I’m shaky and nervous that my husband will bring Jack and Fiona home sooner than expected. I look out the window and notice the sky behind the bare branched Sycamore tree looks like winter. Jack and Fiona’s birthday is in less than two months. I had my first facial today since before they were born. The esthetician reminded me I was lucky to ever have had one, that it’s a luxury to be able to have a facial. My skin feels so good, my inner body is still tense, I can’t relax inside. I feel panicked. Catastrophizing. A seriousness and a sadness. I need more time alone to think. To paint. To meditate. To do nothing. These are luxuries too. Quiet, alone, time. The kids and I have been having a great time together. We love each other so much. They are wonderful human beings. I love spending time with them, being their mother. Feelings and moods take over. I feel guilty for wanting more alone time and we could be on the brink of a nuclear war. I still need more time even if the worlds ending and I love being with my kids. Dizzying. I miss my studio.
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“The last time I took you guys here, you were little babies. It was one of the first times I took you out to breakfast alone.” I say.
“We were babies” Jack says.
“Yes, and you were crawling and wouldn’t stay still. I tried to put you in high chairs and everyone was looking at us.” I say.
We sit in a far back corner, Alan sits down first. Fiona, Jack, and I all sit on the booth side. Alan keeps telling the babies to be quieter, and reminding me I’m talking loud too. I eat my Huevos Mexicana, cut up Jacks pancakes, get more syrup for the kids. The waitress is standing at a table across from us, there’s mirrors lining both walls, so I can see her face too. She’s telling two men at the tables all about her x-mas.
“Oh, now listen to this, she said she was coming” the waitress says.
“Mmm mm” one man at the booth says, engaged in what the waitress is telling him.
“I was surprised, I mean I know she knows she should just quit because her days here are numbered. Well then, she calls me at 3:00 and tells me she’s not coming. How rude was that? I’ve got the tables set all the food ready, then my aunt calls and asks if they can “Stop By”, the waitress does this in quotation marks. It’s supposed to be a work only thing. “You weren’t supposed to be here for another hour I tell them”, the waitress says. Later in her story she says they didn’t end up eating dinner till 9:00 and the people didn’t leave until 11:00, and she wanted to kick them out way earlier. The guys sitting at the booth with omelets and hash browns getting cold on their plate because the waitress is telling them this big long story participate slightly, but finally when the waitress leaves they start finishing their breakfast. I hear the whole conversation and I’m all the way on the other side of the room. A couple is sitting beside us, reading the paper. They never make eye contact when I look their way after Jack and Fiona do something super loud, crazy, whiny, annoying, something three-and-a-half-year old’s do. I catch the old man look over several times and ever so slightly shake his head in disapproval. It was most prominent when I ordered a second helping of syrup for my already out of control twins. It was a very noticeable shake. What ever I think, he’ll get over it. Cranky old guy. I know they just want to enjoy a quiet breakfast but so do I. I say to Alan they should have a kid’s section and a non-kids section in restaurants.
The old lady and man are done, they fold up their San Francisco Chronicles and leave them on the table at Egg Woods. The lady leans in towards me, she leads with “They are really cute kids, she inserts this into her monologue several times. She says, “But you’re really loud and that makes the kids talk loud”. She tells me how that’s the same thing she told her daughter in law, that she was so loud, that she yells all the time and her daughter in law needed to quiet down. She told me her daughter in law had a set of twins as well and one other kid. I said, “She probably has to yell so she can be heard in her house”. The old lady just looked at me. Then I told her, knowing that it’s true, I do have a loud talking voice, and I’ve been told before. Alan tells me to hush constantly, he says you’re talking too loud. Still I responded defensively by saying, which is true, “My daughter has hearing loss, our house is really loud to compensate for that.” She leaned away, didn’t say anything else after my rebuttal.
I started to get mad. I should have said, “Did I ask you your opinion?” or “I’m sure you do some super annoying thing that someone wants to tell you about”. But I didn’t, just smiled. I started to think about how loud all the other people talked, what about the waitress? I even heard her say the best part of her night when her family was there was when the little kids locked them selves in the dog carrier, she said she wanted to leave them there for the rest of the night. Kids are annoying. I’m annoyed, I was so fucken annoyed by my kids all day. They drive me bananas. When we got home, Jack pooped out side and I just hear him say he wants to smell Fiona’s butt “All Day Long” No ones perfect. But I would never do that to someone, a stranger, tell them something negative about themselves in front of the woman’s husband and kids! Beady eyed old lady at crappy, greasy, gossiping waitress diner.
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I have never had a pear as delicious as the one I am eating right now. It’s…. I just sat here for seconds, maybe minutes tasting pieces of the pear, trying to….I just did it again, tasted a bunch of pieces trying to decide how to put this taste into words. I’m not even going to try. I would never be able to describe how incredible that pear was. I am glad I had the opportunity to eat it. I am also glad I had the chance to work in my studio today. I also had the most amazing shower because yesterday I went to the Beauty Store downtown, the one that’s going out of business. Everything is on sale. I got some shower Gel and Exfoliator and I feel like a new woman. I also got a new Italian professional blow dryer, my hair has never looked or felt so good. Why hasn’t anyone ever told me I needed a good hair dryer? I’ve been using the cheep ones. I always thought my hair took a long time to dry because its so thick, now I know it was the blow dryers! Crazy! At forty-six years old I just figured that out! As usual my alone time is wrapping up. I wish I had more time, but I do feel satisfied with my day off. I even got a bunch of chores done, laundry, toy purging, (gotta make room for the new toys) I just heard Jack calling “Mommy, Mommy” they just got home from the park. I figured out something else cool last night too. I learned that Jack and Fiona love to play games, not computer games but physical games more than they like T.V. Especially if I play with them. I let them open this chicken game I got them for x-mas last night. You role a dice and whichever number comes up you get to push the chickens chest hoping an egg pops out it’s butt. They saw the commercial for this game on T.V., they would say “Mom, look at this game” when it came on. I had to run over to the T.V. to see it. They like the game as much as the kids in the commercial do. It is a fun preschool age game, and it teaches taking turns and following directions. That lasted five minutes and a couple pieces are already lost. But it was fun quality time we all enjoyed together. I can hear Fiona crying, I wonder what happened. Time to get back on duty.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 