My hands are still shaky, my heart palpitating. In a hurried state. Panic and stress. Alan stressed too. Fiona screaming, we’re driving. I turn the radio on loud to hide some of the high pitched screams. Babies did not take their morning nap. They are tired, I put them in their cribs at 8am. Never fall asleep. I didn’t get a break all morning.  The kitchen and everything is a mess, but that’s not the issue. We’ve been planning on going to TOT Swim for weeks. Today we are going. Fiona’s very upset. I hit her head in the elevator on the way to the pool on accident and she’s wailing. Our nerves are shot and in the pool, Fiona keeps screaming. Alan takes her out. I stay in with Jack, he’s doing so well. Alan wants me to get out too so we can leave. There’s only ten minutes left, I stay in. It’s such a stressful situation. I’m on the verge of tears. I try taking deep breaths in the car on our way home. My cheek is twitching and I still feel a sense of panic. Why couldn’t I remain calm? It was supposed to be fun. It wasn’t.

Why do I feel things in such a physical way? My stomach starts aching, I start to feel physically sick after a stressful emotional situation. I have a hard time with hours of stress, especially when my husband is stressed too. My mindfulness tools fail to show up, it was like I was past the state of self-help. I was able to slowly recover by having some distance from the babies while they took their nap, deep cleaning the kitchen, and talking to my husband about why I was upset, crying a little bit. He finally understands why I can’t take the babies out if they haven’t had their naps. He’s been telling me “Jacks playing me” all these months. Now he finally see’s what happens when a baby without a nap breaks down in public and he was very uncomfortable.

Sometimes I look through my old journals and find things I wrote like:

(From January, 24^th, 2013)

-Meditate, Chill, Relax, Surrender

-Reject self-defeating reactions to life’s challenges.

-Don’t mistake MOOD for REALITY

-Reduce stressful conditions

– Learn to re-parent yourself by finding mature, emotionally healthy people who can love, who are accepting, and who do not pass judgement.

(*I probably copied these things from an internet site, book or handout from my meditation class, but do not know the source. I think they are pretty generic though!)

Then I write: I’m Isolated, Point Blank.

I feel that way often. My mom filled a huge space in my life, we could talk about everything, Art, Fashion, Dogs, Annoying people, etc. Since she died there has been a void. Maybe that’s why I’ve started writing my blog. I’ve tried to connect to people, other moms, artists, but I haven’t found my “Tribe” as people like to say. Part of it is the difficulty in making plans with people. Maybe it’s our area, everyone is so busy, the traffic can be horrific, and with twins it’s REALLY difficult to know if I’ll be able to make it anywhere at all. They may be too tired and I’ve explained that scenario.

After yesterday I really wanted to write that everyday can’t be peaceful. It’s impossible. Sometimes nothing will work and things are just going to suck. I felt I needed to add that, I’ve been spending a lot of time writing about how to cope with raising twins. I found it’s a lot easier when I take everything off the calendar and just let the days unfold. But sometimes I want to do something, take the babies somewhere or spend a day as a family. This is the place it gets tricky.