I peer over into the play area, “They’re doing great.” I say to myself. Then Jack runs over to the fence that separates him from the kitchen stairs. I look at him, he smiles. I get up and go down to hang out with them for a minute. “Whatcha doin’? whatcha into this mornin’? ew I smell a poo! Jack did you poo? Let’s go change your diaper. We’ll be right back Fi.” I say. My new favorite thing to do in the morning, drink coffee and write. This kitchen is a mess. A real mess. I’ll clean it. I’m a mess too, I didn’t take a shower last night after the beach trip and there’s sand in my toes. The beach is a magical place. The ocean waves, there’s gotta be waves, the sound they make, the smell of the salt and seaweed, wood, burnt or decaying. Dead remains of seagulls, crabs, fish, whales, and sea lions. Shells and rocks and the sand. The sun and the wind. Old piers, old buoys, pushing our feet into the deeper, colder, wetter sand. Fear that Jack will run into the ocean and join the aquatic world, “You’ll get swept away Jack! Don’t get too close to the waves.” I say. I feel bad I didn’t bring Billy, but she’s a liability. I’ll bring her next time, when we go, maybe this week. We’ll go to one of my special spots where there’s never any people. Billy can run and play and I’ll put one baby in the frame pack, it has space for our lunch and diapers. I’ll carry the other baby. It will be work, but I think I’m strong enough to pull it off. Jack might even be able to walk part of the way over the sand dune. I can’t wait to get back to the beach. I love watching the babies investigate. Fiona stays close to me, she likes examining the sand and things that are nearby us. Jack takes off, looking at piles of seaweed, visiting other people on the beach. Stealing other people’s food. He goes over to this man with his 2 year old yesterday. They are having their snack, Jack grabs one of their crackers right in front of them and puts it in his mouth. They also have beach toys that Jack wants to play with. One time the man took his kid on a little walk and the moment they left their area Jack ran over to try to get something of theirs! Fiona got her new hearing aid molds, she wore her hearing aids all weekend long. She’s so much happier. I think I was right last week when she was whining so much, I think she was missing her hearing aids. She knows now that she can’t hear without them. Which is probably a good thing for me, maybe she won’t pull them out as much. But there must be an element of loss for her. Last night I kept the hearing aids on even during bath time. Very risky of course but there’s so much language to learn and sounds to hear during bath time. When I was putting on her PJ’s I told her I’m taking off your hearing aids now, after they were removed she touched her ears and looked sad, I felt what she went through at that moment, from a world of hearing to faint muffled sound.
Tag: baby with hearing loss
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I feel strange, almost nauseous as the pink silicone mold material is squirted into my ear. It’s cold. I can feel it expanding. I am getting my own listening tube made so I can check Fiona’s hearing aids. I try to get Fiona’s attention, show her I was going through what she has already gone through today and for the past seven months. She wasn’t very interested. We have been at the audiologist for an hour and a half, she is ready to go explore. Fiona sat in the hearing test room on my lap while Linda distracted her with toys. Dr.Robert made different sounds and Fiona was tested to see if she would turn to the direction the sound was coming from. There is a box with a flashing light on and a little stuffed teddy that bangs cymbals when she looks the correct direction. Dr.Robert is outside the room using his audiometer box to test her hearing frequencies. She’s doing so well, this is our second time doing this test. The first time Fiona didn’t respond to the soft sounds and I was told our household was very loud and Fiona was most interested in loud sounds, not soft ones. I felt like a child being scolded, people always tell me I have a loud voice. I have made an effort to reduce the volume around here and Fiona did respond to the quieter sounds this time. This morning we are hanging out in the living room, Jack starts to grab Fiona’s hearing aid. I take it out and put it in my ear. It sounds like hearing under water, there’s a delay. It must be strange how Fiona wears hearing aids sometimes and not others. It’s like two different worlds. Her hearing aid molds are too small now, they buzz all the time. The new ones won’t be ready for two weeks. When we are finished with the examination. We go to the front desk to make our next appointment to pick up the new molds. Dr. Robert is really busy, the receptionist says. She looks on her computer, talks to the doctor and tells me we can come in on March 19th. I pause: Thoughts are running through my head, that’s my birthday, I want some time to myself on my birthday, is that selfish, Fiona should come first, don’t I want her to hear? I can’t put off picking up her hearing aids, she’s already losing two weeks of language development. I don’t have anyone to watch the babies that day anyhow. We’ll make a day of it. The three of us can go have fun then stop by and pick up the ear molds. O.K., I tell the receptionist March 19th is fine.
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Buzzzzzzz Fiona’s hand grabs at her ear, through her striped Hanna Anderson hat she tries to pull off her hearing aid. “pat pat pat” I say which is what I’ve learned from Early Start to teach babies to keep their hearing aids in. She’s whining and tired, it’s almost morning nap time. “Just one more bite, you’re almost done with your cereal.” I take off her hat, take out her hearing aids. As I carry her to the play n pack she’s whiny and I say “SHHHH” but she can’t hear me. I put on the sleep sheep but she can’t hear it. I give her Tiger and she starts sucking her thumb and cuddling tiger. A few minutes go by and Fiona is whining and whining, I go back in the room where the babies are napping and she’s dropped her Tiger out of the play and pack. I feel myself getting really stressed and annoyed. Take a deep breath. Give back her Tiger, Jacks doing fine, “take your nap babies” I say and shut the door. Yesterday at the non-party birthday party I was babbling back to Willa, My Friend Bettina’s eight month old baby girl. I had a brief moment where I had to question if she could hear me or not. Of course she can, she has perfect hearing, but I’m so used to thinking about Fiona’s hearing loss and if she has her hearing aids in or not it seeps into my interactions with hearing babies. I feel so much pressure to make sure I’m using the hearing aids as much as possible so Fiona will learn language. I feel guilty when I don’t put them on, when I just let Fiona “BE.” I let her head breath. I read as many books as I can when Fiona and Jack are in their high chairs, I always have her hearing aids on in her high chair. She still misses so much. There is so much time she is not wearing her hearing aids. I want to believe that’s OK. I feel like she’s still learning so much, she’s still learning about communication, she’s not learning as many “words” as Jack, but in time she will catch up.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 