A steady stream of ants crawls down the window sill to the edge of the sink and back up again, round and round, I notice pain in my right hand and realize once again I’m gripping all my fingers except one, my typing finger. I type with one finger, my back hurts and I’m a perimenopausal woman. I’m finally starting to admit to myself I may be a manic depressive just like my mom, and share many more of her undesirable traits, especially in regards to how the male population views these stereotypical undesirable traits women tend to have. As Such. My need to be part of my community. My desire to create and share it with the world. My unconditional no holds bar to my babies. My constant need to protect myself and others and care about the world and people and animals, to feel that I am dying with the ignorance of humanity but to know that is just a reflection of how I am feeling at this moment. Something inside me is unsettled. Why? Why did I jump on all those Trains and Buses when I was young? But now I want to stay put. Nestled in a mountain. In a bird nest with my chicks. Why does my heart race? Why am I hit over the head and knocked out in my nightmare and I wake up panicked by a nightmare so awful it could never be repeated in detail to a single person? I have to go to my studio right now and paint. Before Jack and Fiona wake up from their nap. I have an hour and a half.
Tag: motherhood
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Oh my gosh, they’re both awake. Fiona screaming (In Joy) and Just a few minutes ago I heard a bump, or was it a thump, and then I heard Jack cry. It’s 2:06 PM Monday afternoon. I took them to Millennium Park in the morning, which is a park I avoid. It’s the most amazing park ever, but with twins on the move it scares the crap outta me. There’s huge wooden castles with tunnels and slides. There’s a toddler side and a big kid side. I can’t keep eyes on both babies. Fiona stays close to me but Jack’s always on the move. “We have to follow jack” I say to Fiona, aware that I sound and look crazy to all the moms with singletons. Life looks so simple for them. Life at the park anyhow! I pick up Fiona or take her by the hand and we go hunting. “Jack” I call, my mama holler. Usually he answers, but sometimes he doesn’t. I start to worry, I think someone has snatched him. I imagine a stranger lurking in the park, wearing a hat and sunglasses, acting like he has a kid playing at the park. He notices me, my franticness, my head turning side to side, he could snatch one of the babies in that moment, the one when I don’t see or hear Jack. Where is he? I start to panic, then someone at the park says “He’s right here” or I catch a glimpse of him up high on the play structure, and I can breathe again. They wouldn’t take a nap today. We’re outside in the back yard which we spent yesterday child proofing. It’s so beautiful out here, Bay Trees and Oak Trees, little yellow finches, a nest in the tree that sits in front of me. I can hear baby birds. I can’t see Jack, but I can hear them both. It’s a large area, with lots of steep slopes. Lots of caterpillars, potato bugs, daisies, bees, copper trees, sage, rosemary, dirt, cactus, so much to explore.
I never get to sit still for more than a few minutes. We’ve done swinging, bike riding, we swung on the hammock, I thought Fiona was going to fall asleep. I took her into the room, but she was up within two minutes. I have them sectioned in one part of the backyard, I can hear them and see them and they are fairly safe. I know this won’t last long either. I just can’t handle any more Mickey Mouse, I just want them to play on their own for a while. They should be asleep early tonight. O.K. I just broke down. I just put on an episode of Mickey Mouse, it’s 4:00PM. I just need a break. It is working for the moment, but that could change at any time. And now I’m just sitting here zoning out. I could fall asleep. I can’t believe I saw a bird nest and heard the little birds. At the park today a crow stole Fiona’s cheese right in front of us. The piece of cheese was sitting right next to her, she walked away and the crow, with its shiny black beak and little black eyes swooped down and grabbed it, carried it a foot away and started eating it, looking at us. Fiona started crying. “You have to watch your food” I told her for the millionth time. Our Dog Billy’s making out like a bandit now. She got Fiona’s whole burrito today. I need to make chicken soup for tonight’s dinner. My husband has the flu (he still went to work) and the babies need something healthy to eat. I’ll do that now, then give the babies a bath, then feed them and my husband, then put the babies to bed, then I’ll be off duty. I’ve got about four hours to go. “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can”
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(Fionas’ IEP. Having no childcare with twins.) It’s 2:25 Friday afternoon. I just heard Jack say “mama” shit! I just put them down for their nap, sat down to write and poured myself a glass of wine. Finally, a break. Maybe he’ll go back to sleep. This week went by so fast. I think the babies are already used to being with me all the time. With the lack of naps lately and no childcare we’re hardly ever apart. I didn’t have time for the studio this week. I know how much of a luxury it is to be able to afford help a few times a week. I can also respect my hard work and dedication to the studio. It is almost impossible to find the time these days without the help. So all my “advice” or “judgement about” other moms not keeping up with their own “stuff” has been thrown out the window. The only solution I see now is hitting the studio at night after the babies are asleep, but I’m too tired. The other option I’ve been contemplating is sharing my studio with the babies, setting up a corner for them. I just think they are still too young. They put too much stuff in their mouths. I think that can happen next year. I’m patient. I can wait.
Fiona had her IEP today, it’s a progress report given every six months to children in the Early Intervention program. She is doing really well, her language is developing, she is a great listener, and is really good about wearing her hearing aids. It’s so crazy because, not only do I need to be so aware and present because I have two two year olds, but one has hearing loss, which gives me an added consideration. I need to make sure she understands the questions that I ask and not just let Jack answer everything, because he will! I can never be on parenting auto-pilot, I have to be constantly on guard, engaged, managing, aware, at all times, on both levels. Dealing with twins and having a child with hearing loss. It’s intense. But they are great, I love them so much. We get along so well and have so much fun. I went to the Zoo with a dear friend of mine yesterday, she was with me every step of the way through all the years of infertility. Every time we talked on the phone for ten years she would ask, “Are you pregnant?” Once I said yes. But then I had the awful miscarriage. I used to get mad at her for asking me all the time and encouraging me to keep trying, to do anything and everything. Yesterday we were talking, it was her birthday, we had just found out Prince died. We were hit by the facts of “Life’s so short” She said “Aren’t you glad you did it?” (did everything possible to have the babies) I said, “Yes” and I am. Lots of women would tell me through the years not to have kids. “It is too much work” or “You won’t be able to be an artist” or “they grow up and don’t like you anymore” It is a lot of work, it is hard to get in the studio without help, and they may hate me when they grow up, (but I doubt it, we’re like three peas in a pod) but it’s all so worth it. There were lots of parents who said that too, that it was all worth it. And they were right.
It sounds like Jack went back to sleep! I’m stoked. When we were at the Zoo yesterday we went into the petting Zoo. They have goats, chickens, ducks, a donkey, a pig, horses, I love it there. We love it there. Fiona and Jack wanted to brush the goats, so they got their brushes. The first goat that came by us was Snickers, he was a white goat with long curled horns, short, with a big round belly. I started petting him and Jack and Fiona started brushing him. Then another goat came out with brown fur and blue eyes, Jack looked at her and got a little scared. The brown goat came around and all the sudden both goats’ faces were right by Jacks face, he got really scared and had me pick him up. I could only imagine what was going through his mind. I think he thought there were twenty goats all around his face! It was pretty funny. We went into the insect exhibit which was really cool. I thought they would be too young, but it was right up their ally. Before we went in I told them what insects they knew, “Potato bugs, caterpillars, spiders, ants, flies, bees” Wow, I thought, that’s a lot of insects! That might be our first stop next time we go to the Zoo!
There are so many things to do with little kids. It’s so funny, since I haven’t had child care one thing is for sure, Jack and Fiona are wiped out by the end of the day. They’ve been going to bed by 6:30 or 7:00! I make sure I keep them active, we spend most of our time outdoors getting dirty. The other thing they’ve had to do is go grocery shopping with me. That really tires them out. And there’s the nap factor. They take way less naps when I’m with them. Not by my choice!!! I think they just don’t want to miss out on any fun. Now they’ve been sleeping for an hour and a half, the question is should I wake them up so they’ll go to bed early? Or let them sleep risking a nine o’clock bedtime? MMM! I feel good though, even though I had brutal insomnia last night. I’m feeling OK.
They’re awake now!
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 