I can’t relax for one minute

 Oh my gosh, they’re both awake. Fiona screaming (In Joy) and Just a few minutes ago I heard a bump, or was it a thump, and then I heard Jack cry. It’s 2:06 PM Monday afternoon. I took them to Millennium Park in the morning, which is a park I avoid. It’s the most amazing park ever, but with twins on the move it scares the crap outta me. There’s huge wooden castles with tunnels and slides. There’s a toddler side and a big kid side. I can’t keep eyes on both babies. Fiona stays close to me but Jack’s always on the move. “We have to follow jack” I say to Fiona, aware that I sound and look crazy to all the moms with singletons. Life looks so simple for them. Life at the park anyhow! I pick up Fiona or take her by the hand and we go hunting. “Jack” I call, my mama holler. Usually he answers, but sometimes he doesn’t. I start to worry, I think someone has snatched him. I imagine a stranger lurking in the park, wearing a hat and sunglasses, acting like he has a kid playing at the park. He notices me,  my franticness, my head turning side to side, he could snatch one of the babies in that moment, the one when I don’t see or hear Jack. Where is he?  I start to panic, then someone at the park says “He’s right here” or I catch a glimpse of him up high on the play structure, and I can breathe again. They wouldn’t take a nap today. We’re outside in the back yard which we spent yesterday child proofing. It’s so beautiful out here, Bay Trees and Oak Trees, little yellow finches, a nest in the tree that sits in front of me. I can hear baby birds. I can’t see Jack, but I can hear them both. It’s a large area, with lots of steep slopes. Lots of caterpillars, potato bugs, daisies, bees, copper trees, sage, rosemary, dirt, cactus, so much to explore.


I never get to sit still for more than a few minutes. We’ve done swinging, bike riding, we swung on the hammock, I thought Fiona was going to fall asleep. I took her into the room, but she was up within two minutes. I have them sectioned in one part of the backyard, I can hear them and see them and they are fairly safe. I know this won’t last long either. I just can’t handle any more Mickey Mouse, I just want them to play on their own for a while. They should be asleep early tonight. O.K. I just broke down. I just put on an episode of Mickey Mouse, it’s 4:00PM. I just need a break. It is working for the moment, but that could change at any time. And now I’m just sitting here zoning out. I could fall asleep. I can’t believe I saw a bird nest and heard the little birds. At the park today a crow stole Fiona’s cheese right in front of us. The piece of cheese was sitting right next to her, she walked away and the crow, with its shiny black beak and little black eyes swooped down and grabbed it, carried it a foot away and started eating it, looking at us. Fiona started crying. “You have to watch your food” I told her for the millionth time. Our Dog Billy’s making out like a bandit now. She got Fiona’s whole burrito today. I need to make chicken soup for tonight’s dinner.  My husband has the flu (he still went to work) and the babies need something healthy to eat. I’ll do that now, then give the babies a bath, then feed them and my husband, then put the babies to bed, then I’ll be off duty. I’ve got about four hours to go. “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can”  


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Thoughts on Motherhood Through the Eyes of an Artist