Text Message: Hi Honey, I’m going to see Chappie, I didn’t think you’d want to see it because it got a 41 on iMBD. I leave the house. I question my decision. I have time, I should be in my studio painting. But I need to relax. A good sci fi or an episode of The Walking Dead always relaxes me. I get to the mall. I visit Sookie, get my eyebrows threaded. Then Peets. The lady in front of me is giving her friend dating advice. “What if I told you that you’d have to go on 60 dates before you find The One (in finger quotes)” She goes on, “Wouldn’t that change your attitude about the dates? For example, I like networking, so I go into the date with the mind set of who is this person? If he has a bad back I can recommend a chiropractor. Oh sorry we’re not in line, we’re just waiting for our friends.” She turns to me and says. I get my soy chai latte, walk through the mall, spot some super cute overpriced sundresses at express, (I’ll wait for them to go on sale) then buy my ticket for Chappie. I have a half hour of free time. I sit outside in the sun, drink my chai. As I’m leaving the theater I hear, “It was good right?” I turn to the voice not sure the question was intended for me. “Chappie?” I say. “Yes” He says. “Yeah it was really good, I don’t know why it got such bad reviews.” I say. “People are stupid.” He says. We walk in separate directions, I wish I would have replied, “Yeah ain’t that the truth.” It’s gotten cold outside, a bit windy, I’m walking to my car and behind me I hear a man saying “Mommy, Mommy.” I get spooked, I turn to look, he might be crazy. I start walking really fast to my car, get in, lock the door. Am I getting paranoid? Did I imagine that? Sometimes that happens to me after I see a sci fi movie that really takes me to another place, it stays with me. (Chappie). I get home, Jack and Fiona are delighted to see me, I’m happy to see them too! They’ve eaten mac and cheese and are ready to go. They’re all wound up. I decide to walk them down to the neighborhood kiddie park for the first time since they’ve been walking. “Could you take your dogs out of the kiddie park, I want to play with my babies.” I say to a woman who has her two gorgeous huskies loose in the kiddie park with a rope tied around the broken gate to keep it shut. She has a little dog in a baby carrier and she looks like a tweaker. “I need to find their leashes.” She tells me. She finds her leashes, takes out her dogs and leaves. The dogs pissed all over before they left but I’m going to overlook that. The babies start to explore. They start climbing on the play structure. It’s dangerous because they are too young to go down the slide by themselves and can’t go down the stairs either. They are both on top of the play structure, I’m holding onto Fiona’s foot, she’s headed one direction, and Jack’s arm, he is headed another direction. This is nerve racking, I scoop both babies and squeeze myself and them onto the kiddie slide, doing the splits down the slide, one leg up, one leg down, underwear showing. But we make it down safe. I go over to the swings, put Jack and Fiona each into a swing. “Weeeeeee” I say. This is nice, until I see in the corner of my eye a pile of dirty nappies and plastic bags. “That’s disgusting.” I say. “Let’s try the other area.” I take the babies to the big play structure. I know they can’t get up that one. There’s a nice big tree and a large area to run. Jack starts running, playing under the play structure. I turn around to look at Fiona, “OH MY GOSH, FIONA DON”T MOVE”I scream. I run over to grab her off the two foot high retaining wall that she climbed up on top of, that I can’t believe she climbed up on top of, and if she fell off the other side she would have cracked her head open. “Fuck this park. It’s disgusting and dangerous, let’s go now.” I say. Jack protests, I feel bad, but this parks no good. Bummer. My neighborhood park sucks. Jack and Fiona are at the stage where they need to go to a park and run every day. It’s like in dogs, you have to satisfy their prey drive or they’ll tear shit up at home. Babies are the same way. You have to satisfy their need to run and climb or they’ll start tearing shit up at home. I feel kind of strange. Light headed. I’ve done something. I’m not sure if it’s smart. I’ll tell you about it another time. The babies are taking their nap now. I hope it’s a good weekend. Alan and I have date night tonight! I’m not going to get drunk. It’s a belated birthday dinner. I’m excited. But I’m not going to get drunk and have a hangover tomorrow. Maybe stoned but not drunk. The End
Tag: motherhood
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Brutal. Remedies not working for ailments. Bad period. Morning is here. I’m 44. Why do I still have cramps? Turn on the kettle. I need to go downstairs and get babies. So glad I dressed Jack and Fiona in pajamas without feet on them last night. All I have to do is change their diapers and bring them up stairs. Make my coffee, make some toast. Bottles made. Feed babies. Have breakfast and write. Need to take Billy for a walk today. Feel like going to see Wild Tales again. Bleeding too heavy to go for a long hike or yoga. Feeling sore and tired. Cramps. Going to get babies now. Put on toast. Babies squawking. Don’t listen to them any more while they whine. Block it out. Babies twist and turn as I change their diapers. We have our bottles, toast, coffee, bananas and cheerios. I’m excited to put on Fiona’s hearing aids for the first time in a week. Babies want to go play. I was just about to write how sweet they were being right now, they were so quiet so I peered out into the play area to see what they were doing. Jacks looking at a book, Fiona’s, “SHIT”, Fiona’s got a bottle of milk, the one I couldn’t find last night. It’s upside down spilling all over the place. Jack runs over and takes the bottle and starts drinking. YUCKY old milk. Jack has a poop, I take him to change his diaper. I hit his head on the side of the changing table. His face turns red, the deep inhale, he cries, I hold him and walk back and forth, putting extra entertainment in it. “I’m so sorry Jack, are you OK? I’m so sorry.” Is it almost nap time?
“OK, let’s make the bottles, go downstairs and call it a day. I don’t care what time you guys wake up in the morning. I just need a break”. Today was difficult. I’m bleeding, I got cramps, a raging head ache and no remedies. Vicodin should definitely be given to me for this time of the month. I can’t ask my doctor. He’ll think I’m a druggy. It’s my birthday. We have a roughish morning. I wanna have a special birthday with the babies. Babies won’t take their nap. We manage to get out of the house by 10:30 and arrive at the discovery by 11:00. Who cares what my doctor thinks, I should just ask anyhow. It’s the first time I’ve brought Jack and Fiona to the discovery museum since they can walk. I stayed away for the past two months because of all the flu’s and measles going around. I cancel my birthday lunch, I feel like there’s not enough time, it’s too much work making plans and coordinating with other people. (Moms lie so much. All I ever heard from moms when I told them I was having twins was “you’re so lucky, it’s so much easier with two. At first it’s harder but when they get a little bigger they can play together.” LIES, it’s ALWAYS going to be harder with twins) Instead of carrying each one into the Tot spot, plunking them down, running out to get the other one, I take Fiona out, set her on the ground feet first. She stays close holding the stroller while I take out Jack. He takes off. It’s exhausting already. I get both babies inside, there are lots of people here today. Jack and Fiona take it all in, they watch the kids running around. I’m getting annoyed. A nanny is trying to talk to me, “I’m definitely not going to be in this line of work when I’m 50.” She says. “It’s too exhausting.” (She’s watching one baby.) I’m too distracted trying to keep an eye on Jack and Fiona. I’m annoyed by the nannies on their cell phones, what are they getting paid for? I’m annoyed by all the parents and nannies who bring their purses in the play areas and leave them on the floor. Jack and Fiona want to get into all their stuff and take their water bottles. It’s just one more stressor for me. (Which today there are many) I don’t know what these people have in their bag, I’m thinking the babies are gonna take something out they can choke on. We go outside to Tot Spot adventure play area. It’s really cool with a tunnel, things to climb on, acorns, a puppet stage, and only one other person. We feel better out here, we’re nature people. We feel most comfortable around trees, the ocean, sand, grass, flowers and as few people as possible. I saw a great friend today. I was about to go home. Then I saw a text from one of my best friends who I haven’t seen in a long time. She is on her way to meet me for lunch. What a surprise! I still have time to have lunch. I feel so lucky, I am so happy to see Robin, the babies love her. I’ve missed her so much. I love her, she’s such a good friend. I down my Moscow Mule and Truffle fries while the babies eat pieces of grilled cheese, berries and fries. Half their food falls on the floor. I pick up as much as I can and leave an extra ten bucks for the bus boy. This lunch really made my birthday. The babies were fun at lunch too. It’s like being at a table filled with rowdy drunk people when you’re with your one year olds in a restaurant. Except everyone thinks they’re cute. People used to ask our table to “Please keep it down.” Now Jack can scream super loud and Fiona can throw stuff all over the floor and no one bats in eye. Maybe if I got drunk and acted crazy too we’d have a problem. Don’t worry if I ever do that I’ll call for back up. (Just kidding, I would never do such a thing.)
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I’m not depressed, just melancholy. About all the time that has passed, all my life that I’ve already lived. How little time is left, how little time is always left at the end of every minute, every hour, every day, every week, every month, every year. The disappearance of time. In my studio today thinking about disappearance, things, people, life, fading away. Two hours, that’s about the amount of time I have to paint. I’m rushing around, I almost knock over a glass of water. “You’re getting crazy now, you need to calm down.” I say to myself. Green gold is a nice color, it was one of my mom’s favorites. I start painting, first a stain with watercolor, green gold. Some stained with grey. I think I like them, but I don’t know, I never can tell. Especially when I’m in these moods. My mind is cloudy, I keep hitting my toes and head on things. I hate when I have one of those ambiguous days in the studio. I get obsessed, I can’t think of anything else but the problems I’ve created, the search for the answers. But today is another day. A non-studio day. Time for a second cup of coffee. Today is my birthday, my 44th. Stumped. When my mom turned 44 she never would have thought she only had 15 years left to live. I’m being greedy. I want more time. I don’t want to die. Babies really show you how fast time moves. How quickly they grow. How can it be a year since my last birthday? Fiona and Jack were so small and sweet, only one month old. Last night Fiona stood in front of Jack and I. We were on the floor, I was putting on Jacks diaper. Fiona pulled the tab and opened one side of her diaper. Jack started cracking up and so did Fiona. I hope they don’t start taking off their diapers already and pooping and peeing everywhere. But that’s how fast they grow. We’ll have fun today, we have a great adventure planned and Fiona gets her new hearing aids today. She’s been without them for a week. That will be exciting. Happy Birthday to me.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 