Two one year olds walking and my birthday

Brutal. Remedies not working for ailments. Bad period. Morning is here. I’m 44. Why do I still have cramps? Turn on the kettle. I need to go downstairs and get babies. So glad I dressed Jack and Fiona in pajamas without feet on them last night. All I have to do is change their diapers and bring them up stairs. Make my coffee, make some toast. Bottles made. Feed babies. Have breakfast and write. Need to take Billy for a walk today. Feel like going to see Wild Tales again. Bleeding too heavy to go for a long hike or yoga. Feeling sore and tired. Cramps. Going to get babies now. Put on toast. Babies squawking. Don’t listen to them any more while they whine. Block it out. Babies twist and turn as I change their diapers. We have our bottles, toast, coffee, bananas and cheerios. I’m excited to put on Fiona’s hearing aids for the first time in a week. Babies want to go play. I was just about to write how sweet they were being right now, they were so quiet so I peered out into the play area to see what they were doing. Jacks looking at a book, Fiona’s, “SHIT”, Fiona’s got a bottle of milk, the one I couldn’t find last night. It’s upside down spilling all over the place. Jack runs over and takes the bottle and starts drinking. YUCKY old milk. Jack has a poop, I take him to change his diaper. I hit his head on the side of the changing table. His face turns red, the deep inhale, he cries, I hold him and walk back and forth, putting extra entertainment in it.  “I’m so sorry Jack, are you OK? I’m so sorry.” Is it almost nap time?

“OK, let’s make the bottles, go downstairs and call it a day. I don’t care what time you guys wake up in the morning. I just need a break”. Today was difficult. I’m bleeding, I got cramps, a raging head ache and no remedies. Vicodin should definitely be given to me for this time of the month. I can’t ask my doctor. He’ll think I’m a druggy. It’s my birthday. We have a roughish morning. I wanna have a special birthday with the babies. Babies won’t take their nap. We manage to get out of the house by 10:30 and arrive at the discovery by 11:00. Who cares what my doctor thinks, I should just ask anyhow. It’s the first time I’ve brought Jack and Fiona to the discovery museum since they can walk. I stayed away for the past two months because of all the flu’s and measles going around. I cancel my birthday lunch, I feel like there’s not enough time, it’s too much work making plans and coordinating with other people. (Moms lie so much. All I ever heard from moms when I told them I was having twins was “you’re so lucky, it’s so much easier with two. At first it’s harder but when they get a little bigger they can play together.” LIES, it’s ALWAYS going to be harder with twins) Instead of carrying each one into the Tot spot, plunking them down, running out to get the other one, I take Fiona out, set her on the ground feet first. She stays close holding the stroller while I take out Jack. He takes off. It’s exhausting already. I get both babies inside, there are lots of people here today. Jack and Fiona take it all in, they watch the kids running around. I’m getting annoyed. A nanny is trying to talk to me, “I’m definitely not going to be in this line of work when I’m 50.” She says. “It’s too exhausting.” (She’s watching one baby.)   I’m too distracted trying to keep an eye on Jack and Fiona.  I’m annoyed by the nannies on their cell phones, what are they getting paid for? I’m annoyed by all the parents and nannies who bring their purses in the play areas and leave them on the floor. Jack and Fiona want to get into all their stuff and take their water bottles. It’s just one more stressor for me. (Which today there are many) I don’t know what these people have in their bag, I’m thinking the babies are gonna take something out they can choke on. We go outside to Tot Spot adventure play area. It’s really cool with a tunnel, things to climb on, acorns, a puppet stage, and only one other person. We feel better out here, we’re nature people. We feel most comfortable around trees, the ocean, sand, grass, flowers and as few people as possible. I saw a great friend today. I was about to go home. Then I saw a text from one of my best friends who I haven’t seen in a long time. She is on her way to meet me for lunch. What a surprise! I still have time to have lunch. I feel so lucky, I am so happy to see Robin, the babies love her. I’ve missed her so much. I love her, she’s such a good friend.  I down my Moscow Mule and Truffle fries while the babies eat pieces of grilled cheese, berries and fries. Half their food falls on the floor. I pick up as much as I can and leave an extra ten bucks for the bus boy. This lunch really made my birthday. The babies were fun at lunch too. It’s like being at a table filled with rowdy drunk people when you’re with your one year olds in a restaurant. Except everyone thinks they’re cute.  People used to ask our table to “Please keep it down.” Now Jack can scream super loud and Fiona can throw stuff all over the floor and no one bats in eye. Maybe if I got drunk and acted crazy too we’d have a problem. Don’t worry if I ever do that I’ll call for back up. (Just kidding, I would never do such a thing.)

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Thoughts on Motherhood Through the Eyes of an Artist