The moment we get into the nursery we all relax. Just upstairs Jack and Fiona were crying, grabbing the spoon, covering themselves in pea soup. Me, getting more and more frustrated, looking at the mess to clean after I put the babies to bed. Downstairs I set the lighting, I turn on a nursery songs cd. I take off Fionas clothes covered in crusty reminders of today, then Jacks. I fill the tub. I take off my clothes too, after the bath we do skin to skin. Fiona blows onto my belly like Alan and I have been doing to them to make them laugh. The babies walk around the nursery in thier diapers, they mouth their teddies, look at books, show me pictures in “Whats on my head” and “The hungry Caterpillar.” I relax on the futon, I get to see moments when they sit side by side analyzing the same book or toy. Every few minutes they come over to me, climb over my legs, lay next to me. I try to give Jack a cuddle but he rejects, he wants to be free. Fiona gladly accepts a hug. They practice their walking and clapping skills until they get so tired they start focussing on their lovey’s. It’s time to put their pajamas on and feed them their bottles. I say goodnite and leave the nursery. I am glad most of my workday is done, except I still need to cook dinner and clean the kitchen. I feel satisfied with the job I did with the babies, and part of me misses them already.
Tag: motherhood
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I start to get that feeling deep down in my gut, like I could cry. I hate everything I’ve made so far. I only had two hours to work and I’ve gone through an hour. I’m panicking, I’ve been working on the press. I decide to mix some paint, I mix some white with thick medium, some yellow. I start adding paint. I start some new pieces, with paint and collage. The creativity finally starts flowing. I stop self-critiquing, I start arriving in the moment, enjoying myself, liking what I’m making. I cover up a lot, next time I won’t cover up so much. I want to keep working but times up. I think about the week ahead and realize it will be difficult to get back into my studio. I woke up this morning at 4:30 to Jack wailing, I gave him Tylenol and a bottle of milk. I thought I should go work, but I was too tired. Before I had the babies I was in my studio every day. I worked for hours at a time. My biggest concern was not being able to work. But as the months went by and I saw how fast the babies were growing I took comfort. I knew one day soon they will be doing their own thing and I will be doing mine. This makes me sad too, if I was younger I would have more babies because it is a wonderful experience. But then I would never get into my studio. It always feels like time is running out. I need to get back to meditation.
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I see my reflection in the window with the glow of the computer screen on my face. It’s still dark outside. The house is asleep. The kettle is humming. I go over to turn it off before it beeps and graze my little toe on the corner of the high chair, the plastic pinches and scrapes, “Damn!” Then just like clockwork as I’m buttering my toast I hear the babies on the monitor starting to babble. My coffee is nice and hot, my toast warm with peanut butter and banana. I’ll let them babble until I finish my breakfast. Today Jack and Fiona turn one year old. Super yard Baby fences section off the house like a spaceship. Toys scatter the floors, some of which feel more like torture devices than playthings, the sharp plastic corners dig into the bottom of my feet and make me cuss. The frustration of these things does sneak up on me. Then I start to get mad at things I normally could deal with, like lately I’m trying to teach the babies how to treat books. They put them in their mouths and have already destroyed “Quack Quack with Jemima Puddle Duck”. So I start to use the word “no” which has been put away until now. Fiona puts “Polar Bear Polar Bear” in her mouth, I say “no Fiona not in your mouth” and gently pull the book down. Her lip curls, her eyes squint and she starts to cry the saddest little cry I ever did see. We repeat this sequence about 5 times, now I think maybe it’s too early to teach this lesson! Today since it is their birthday I took both babies out of their cribs at the same time, took off their sleep sacks and pajamas, and was able to change their diapers on the floor of the nursery because it was just pee. I dressed them in their birthday outfits, Fiona is a Lady Bug, and Jack is a Bumble Bee. Then I scooped up both babies and carried 45 pounds of baby up the stairs to the kitchen. I see my black dog Billy, part Border collie but looks like a wolf, trotting down the street. I don’t know how she got out last night, I hope she didn’t kill anyone’s cat. It’s time to make the cake now. How will I take care of the babies, make the birthday cake and clean the kitchen? Take a deep breath, make another cup of coffee.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 