A tea stain from a splatter on thick watercolor paper. One dark line encloses light pink, a red drip and green at the bottom is all I can see of a painting above my head on a shelf. One time I told my friend I was wanted to propose an installation piece to an arts foundation. I said it was going to be a display of heads on a shelf. She said I sounded crazy and they might think I’m talking about real heads. I saw a centipede yesterday while I was walking up the hill with Billy. The bug was crawling through a trickle of rain water. It was yellowish with tons of little legs and white antennas. It was a beautiful creature. Trampolines, video games, loud music, it was too loud at the amusement center we took Jack and Fiona this morning. I’m not good in situations like that. I had to wait in the car. I took a lavender soak when I got home to make me feel better. I concluded that I will never like loud places with flashing neon lights and I shouldn’t feel bad. I also realized I will never be O.K. with being in a car with my whole family if they continue to all ask me questions at the same time. I never will, and I am going to tell the kids this, I’ll just tell them it makes me grouchy so when I say “quiet time” it must be quiet time. The alternative is to listen to my head phones? But then I feel rude. But it may be the solution. “Mama’s freaking out guys, Mama needs a break, I’m gonna listen to music for fifteen minutes”. Is that weird? Should I do it? I don’t like feeling bitchy and annoyed.
Babies breaking down, just put them in their play and packs, looks like they’ll take a second nap. Not 100% sure they will sleep, they are both whining/crying/ annoying me right now. But it’s only 3:00, we have a long way to go. Definitely not enough time to go work in studio, but enough time to write, maybe. I got to work on some quick prints this morning during the first nap.
I had insomnia last night because of my ear, a piercing pain, from the cold, maybe that’s what’s wrong with the babies? There’s nothing I can do for them, they just have to ride it out. I wanted to go work in the studio at 2:30AM but I talked myself out of it. I did have visions of a “self-portrait” done with drypoint and monoprint. I barely got into it before the babies woke up from their nap. Printmaking is hard to do quick, it takes time to build up the colors on the plate, to experiment, to get surprises. I’m also running out of paper every other day. This is not good.
Fiona is making high pitched wails, it’s getting under my skin. Everything’s getting under my skin. That’s what happens in this situation, we’ve all been sick, we’re all tired, no one is sleeping good. I bet Fiona has the ear pain, she’s so congested. There’s nothing I can do. What am I going to do about my paper situation? What am I going to do about my storage situation? The only thing I can do is keep on working. I need to work on some recycled pieces. I need to. I need to. I need to.
I think they are finally quiet, I think they will sleep for awhile. My body is beginning to relax, I can make it through the rest of the night. Jack and Fiona will be refreshed, maybe. Fiona is still upset. I can’t decide if I should go check on her, make sure she hasn’t thrown Tiger out of the crib. But most of the time it’s a mistake to check. Well I just checked on her and she’s fine, she’s exhausted, but wants up. I gave her some Tylenol incase it’s the ear pain. It’s really hard when kids are sick.
This will be one of those blog posts that people read and say “oh my gosh, you seem really stressed!” I do feel stressed today and I just can’t understand why Jack and Fiona can’t understand the toilet bowl cleaner and plunger are grost! Fiona had a HUGE poopy diaper, I have her on the changing table trying to clean her up and Jacks messing with the black rubber plunger. “NO Jack! That’s the most yucky thing you could possibly do!” He completely ignores me. I have a tantrum, “NO! Stop! WHY!” All while cleaning Fiona and keeping her still on the changing table. Snapping. It’s the most difficult time in a while with the double whammy of PMS and Perimenopause. I try not to talk too much about these issues to spare any male readers of this subject that is uniquely woman. But today I say screw it, sorry men I’m gonna lay a few things out there, I deserve a rant now and again. My first thought is “It’s not fair” this hormone stuff women have to go through. It’s extremely difficult, especially now with kids. I don’t think my husband understands how I feel, he just thinks I’m either in a bad mood or mad at him. I may be wrong of course, I haven’t asked him. When he asks how I slept I just say fine, I spare him the details of hourly episodes of extreme heat all up and down my legs and cheeks, sweat beads down my chest as I lay still and quiet in the night. Hormone fluctuations suck! What’s worst is the way I feel about the subject, or at least how I’ve been made to feel about the subject. With the “It’s just PMS” or “It sucks getting older” just writing these things off because only half the population gets them and they pass in time. Then I’m back to “normal” again. But PMS and Perimenopause are normal. It’s most uncomfortable for me but I constantly feel guilty about feeling this way, not being my bubbly self.
I have the added stress this week of my dad being in town. He called last night when he was dropped off at the motel by my brother. He said he was calling to say “Thank you for the accommodations.” But what he really wanted was Alan to go to his motel, pick him up, take him to store, “To get hangers for one thing” and drive him back to the motel. After holding the phone away from my mouth to have one of the best uncontrollable laughs I’ve had in a long time, I said “No, sorry.” I told him he could walk, it’s across the street, but he said Betty’s breathing problem prevented them from doing that. I’m going to pick them up today and drop them off at the store while I do Yoga. I’m dreading this week. I rarely dread weeks, it usually only happens around family stuff. I’ll be fine though, I just might feel guilty because I am not going to be my dad and Betty’s personal taxi cab or event planner. I just can’t do it, especially with jack and Fiona. It’s too much.
Texting to make plans with people is dumb, unless it’s a longtime friend I have an established communication style with, someone who I know well. Today is not a great day for me, as a person, a friend, or a parent. I laugh and cry as I write this. I’m so pathetic! First I’ll start with the friend thing. We made plans a couple of weeks ago for today. I was the last one to text, “I’ll see you guys soon! The 10th if that’s still good.” I didn’t get a response, so I figured the person did not want to hang out. I was bummed but needed to have a plan in place for the morning anyhow. I decided my alternate plan was to take babies to discovery museum. But if I hear from friend I can go her way to meet up, maybe for coffee and a visit to a park. The morning was crazy, in the time it took me to get the diaper bag ready, get dressed, the babies both pooped huge poops, got into a bottle of lavender oil, a bottle of Advil PM, which I guess my husband didn’t put the CHILDPROOF lid on correctly. Little blue pills all over the floor! Everywhere, I’m freaking out. I scoop four out of Fiona’s blue mouth! I’m in a panic now. I know she didn’t swallow any because they had just got into them but still! I put babies in the car, get ready to go, friend texts me, “Are you still up for doing something?” I text back, but decide to call, she won’t be ready for a long time, I’m already ready to go, we cancel plans. She has twins too so it’s just really hard to connect.
I get to Discovery Museum and that goes great. Babies have tons of fun, there’s hardly anyone there, probably because of the Doyle Drive closure. It’s relaxing as it could be. I even let the babies loose where the giant musical instruments are so they can make sound. I think about all the times I walked by these cool things telling Jack and Fiona, “You’re too little now, but someday you can play with those.” I was excited just thinking about these wonderful things my babies will be able to do when they get bigger. I decide to take babies home for lunch instead of our usual stop at The Pee Wee café. Jack and Fiona are really hungry and tired, they are crying in the car, I only have one food packet. My heart is racing, I feel like I’m gonna loose it. Fiona falls asleep, a part of me worries that she’s ingested some of the medicine. It’s been over two hours, I’m sure it would have affected her much earlier. Jacks crying on the freeway, I could probably make it home, but I can’t handle this. I do the one thing I said I would NEVER do, I go through the Jack in the Crap drive through and buy two kids meals. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I park in the lot and give Jack his fries, chicken nuggets, and Minion Toy. Fiona’s still out cold. Jacks happy! I drive home a bit more relaxed. Wake Fiona up, feed her, and give them both bottles, and now they are down for their afternoon nap. I feel like I need a drink! It was a really stressful, emotional, and scary morning!