I have never had a pear as delicious as the one I am eating right now. It’s…. I just sat here for seconds, maybe minutes tasting pieces of the pear, trying to….I just did it again, tasted a bunch of pieces trying to decide how to put this taste into words. I’m not even going to try. I would never be able to describe how incredible that pear was. I am glad I had the opportunity to eat it. I am also glad I had the chance to work in my studio today. I also had the most amazing shower because yesterday I went to the Beauty Store downtown, the one that’s going out of business. Everything is on sale. I got some shower Gel and Exfoliator and I feel like a new woman. I also got a new Italian professional blow dryer, my hair has never looked or felt so good. Why hasn’t anyone ever told me I needed a good hair dryer? I’ve been using the cheep ones. I always thought my hair took a long time to dry because its so thick, now I know it was the blow dryers! Crazy! At forty-six years old I just figured that out! As usual my alone time is wrapping up. I wish I had more time, but I do feel satisfied with my day off. I even got a bunch of chores done, laundry, toy purging, (gotta make room for the new toys) I just heard Jack calling “Mommy, Mommy” they just got home from the park. I figured out something else cool last night too. I learned that Jack and Fiona love to play games, not computer games but physical games more than they like T.V. Especially if I play with them. I let them open this chicken game I got them for x-mas last night. You role a dice and whichever number comes up you get to push the chickens chest hoping an egg pops out it’s butt. They saw the commercial for this game on T.V., they would say “Mom, look at this game” when it came on. I had to run over to the T.V. to see it. They like the game as much as the kids in the commercial do. It is a fun preschool age game, and it teaches taking turns and following directions. That lasted five minutes and a couple pieces are already lost. But it was fun quality time we all enjoyed together. I can hear Fiona crying, I wonder what happened. Time to get back on duty.
I walk into my studio. I feel I can only accomplish a small amount of work, not much time left before my babysitter is off. I look at my notebooks, I have been working on eight consistently; my goal, to have three done for my show next year. The last day I worked in my studio I used collage, experimenting with tape, old recycled prints, a light sage green, blue and grey. I decided to work slower this year, not frantic, just tick-tock. I work on a few canvases today, compositions giving me trouble, set them aside. It feels good to let go, to let them breath, have a life of their own. I think I need more time, at least three hours to really get into things. But, I need to use what I have, the time, the materials, the frame of mind. It’s all here, everything I need. The notebooks are true expressions of my creativity. They are my lifeline.
January, raining for days, creeks rushing by, plants and grass growing. All the wildflowers I’ve planted for the past eight years are finally going to flower this year. There are so many, they’ve remained dormant during the drought. But they survive and thrive. Many transitions ahead, Jack and Fiona turning three, entering preschool soon. When people say, childhood goes by fast they aren’t kidding. I look at a painting on my wall in my studio, a hand and foot print from Jack and Fiona when they were maybe eight months old. As I look at the paintings, it doesn’t feel that long ago. I feel like we just did that, but we didn’t. Such precious little feet and hands, so soft. They are still precious, but now I feel I must be careful to not intrude into their personal space, not “baby” them. Toddlers hate to be “babied”! I can give them an occasional rub on the head or examination of their little hands. But no long stares in wonderment. That bugs them now. Hugs and kisses are always available through! That’s true throughout the lifetime of a family unit. “Loving is what makes us real” (The Velveteen Rabbit)
There’s always love and compassion, and patience. No one can take that away. Even in the face of so much hate and scary stuff happening in the world, happening in our government, I will still focus on the positive, focus on understanding of self. It’s the only way.
I’m doing something bad right now. I’m drinking a cup of coffee and eating cookies, it’s 1:00PM in the afternoon. There goes all that hard work on the spin bike, here comes a night of possible insomnia. But it tastes so good, so right. Now I have that rush of warmth, a full belly. One hour into my studio time. Dunce Nation and Dead Moles. Experimental Music, screeching, and hollering in the background. Already gone too far on a piece, want to keep working on it to “fix it” but we all know how that goes. Now, 2:46PM. Good painting session so far, see I told you I would feel differently again. The highs and the lows, the ups and the downs. Now the fan is on and The Bells by Lou Reed. The ambient noise is perfect for quiet awakenings, for R.I.P. Mole, and new beginnings. Perfect for reminiscing about yesterday’s daisies and tomorrows brunch. Do I come back to this moment or do I walk up the stairs to the dog house and the dead mole. “Oh no, the poor thing, Billy killed a mole. Don’t touch it. Should I bury it or throw it over the fence for the hawk or an owl? I should throw it over the fence. Poor thing, Billy killed it, it’s dead.” I tell Jack and Fiona. It’s right here, right in front of us. Happening live, I can’t hide reality. Maybe two’s too young to understand death, understand here today, gone tomorrow. I’ve never got the image of my mom’s mom lying in her casket. I imagine her in a light blue dress with a white lace collar, her casket taupe. My mom said I had to stay home because it wasn’t appropriate for little kids to look inside a casket. I’ve never seen anyone in a casket. I’ve only spread ashes. Felt the bits of bones run through my hands, had the wind blow my ancestors’ through my hair, in my mouth, on my teeth. What brought me here? The dead mole? My job as teacher to Jack and Fiona, reminding me of all my knowledge, all that I know. I had a good day in the studio today.