Just Be Present Today

Wednesday Morning 6:12 A.M. Babies still in nursery, I can hear a little babbling.  Alan off to work. I’m drinking my green tea, toast with peanut butter and banana. It’s dark outside. It’s quiet, only the hum of my laptop and the refrigerator. Just be here. Just be present. I don’t want to be pre-occupied, worrying about all the things that need to be done, I’m taking it down a notch today. “WHAT the FUCK” I say to my computer. There are too many hidden commands I do that I don’t know how I do that I don’t want to do. Had Family Day yesterday, Alan didn’t work because of rain. Took the babies to Discovery Museum. Alan see’s what I’m talking about when I say how exhausting it is taking two thirteen month olds somewhere and letting them loose.  I need something now, a drug, a break, a chill out period. Put the babies in their play and packs. I bought two backpacks with leashes at Babies R Us laughing at the checkout stand. They say 18 months plus, but I’ll try one on Jack. He’s so fast. It sounds like they might take a short nap, they’re so cranky. The kind of cranky when they push me away as I change their diapers and I get sad and mad. That’s when I made the decision, “You’re both going to take a nap now.” I bought a copy of Women’s Health at Smart and Final. I can read it tonight when I take a bath and find out about Epic Orgasms #Guy Optional, 20 Ways to look HOT NOW, and catch up with Eva Mendes. I’m feeling better already. We tried story time at the museum. A story about a bear loosing and finding his hat, but Jack and Fiona weren’t interested. They want to be free. The lady sitting next to me has two snotty nose kids, she and her husband sound sick too. It irritates me. I don’t like them. A little girl sitting in the front row answers all the questions the book reader asks. I think it’s cute and annoying at the same time, but I realize I’m doing the same thing. It’s raining now. We ate at Murray Circle for lunch. We order Moscow Mules, they were very weak ones. I’m not doing very good on my pre-cleanse cleanse. Oh, but I did get my juicer today. I don’t have anything to put in it though. It’s a whirlwind now with the babies. I try to be present and mindful. It’s hailing outside. At night during our bedtime routine I feel relaxed. Maybe because it’s just the three of us in a small room, so I have nothing to worry about, Jack and Fiona can’t fall, choke or drown. There was a pond and a creek behind our house in Spring Valley. Danny and I loved when it rained, the murky pond would fill up with water and we could build rafts and float around. We didn’t “swim” in it because everybody knew it was sewer water. One time we were “by” the creek after a big rain, the water was rushing down high on the banks, we saw a poop float by. We thought it was so sick, (And Funny) but it didn’t stop us from playing in the creek, catching frogs and pollywogs. There’s a fake creek at the discovery museum for kids to play in, there’s rubber frogs and fish, and they even provide plastic aprons so your kid won’t get wet. I don’t bother with that though, Jack and Fiona will find a way to get wet and dirty no matter what I do, I’ve stopped trying. At the restaurant Alan’s sitting by Fiona, he keeps her face clean. “I think Jack needs his face wiped.” He tells me. It goes in one ear, out the other. I give them a bath before bed and that’s good enough for me. I don’t have the energy to keep them clean all day. (Except their butts, I keep those clean to prevent diaper rash)  Now I have a nanny two days a week instead of three. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday we’re on our own. (Except when Alan’s home)  It makes for a long stretch and when Friday comes along I am HAPPY to see Ramona! 6:47A.M., its light outside now. Time to get the babies, change the diapers, give them their bottles, toast, and banana. Read books and play. Go for a walk. Clean up messes as we go through our day. The End

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About Dirty Laundry Blog

Thoughts on Motherhood Through the Eyes of an Artist