I’m in a car, someone else behind the wheel. Dirt road, narrow, steep, hugging the curve of the mountain, I can feel the drop below us. We park. There’s an open cabana, I think we shouldn’t be here, it belongs to someone else. I want to go swimming, everyone says it’s too cold. I jump in anyhow.

Jack and Fiona are playing nicely together, ringing bells, examining red, yellow, blue, orange, green, nesting cups. Experimenting with placing objects inside containers. I haven’t put on Fiona’s hearing aids yet. (I feel guilty) I need to go get them, I think they are downstairs in the nursery. I’m out of the woods regarding my PMS. It was challenging as usual but I did fine without the Zoloft. Almost thirty days. The only withdraw symptoms I had was the dizziness. Very Sad before I took the pills. A buildup of everything I had gone through the past six years. Unprocessed emotions from long ago. Memories released as Jack and Fiona came into my world. The intensifier, living with my Mother in Law for six months after the babies were born. She is very experienced, a mother of ten, including two sets of twins. Maureen was a huge help to Alan and I. But with that help came drawbacks for me personally. We can’t live together. She pushed my limits to the extreme. Maureen worries about everything. Once she moved in I lost all the quiet peaceful moments I thrive on. I missed having the ones I envisioned with my tiny little babies. Everything was chaotic and intense. I’m not even going into details today, I’ll save it for another time. (It brings up too much anxiety to even talk about it)

Here I am again, 9:34 A.M. Jack and Fiona’s nap time. Fiona is sound asleep. Jack is not, I hear him making sounds, some loud screeches, some quiet babbling. I don’t know what I should do if he starts making a fuss. Do I leave him or get him out? Yesterday he pushed me to my limit, but to give him credit the first outcry was a poop, next hunger, next he woke up Fiona and both Teddies were on the ground. After an hour of this I gave them both their Teddies and shut the door. The cries I heard, they were having a fit. Then after about two minutes, complete silence. It was one minute before Ramona got here. They slept for a whole two hours! Woke up, ate lunch, played, and slept another hour and a half. The whole time my nannies here they sleep. What’s up with that?

Today I made reservations at Play Center for 1:00. I’ve decided (with approval from Play Center) to take Jack and Fiona no matter what. I’m not going to make sure they are well rested and not cranky. I’ll just see what happens, that’s what the girls said. No big deal. If they have a breakdown they’ll come get me and we’ll go home. I can’t keep living my life making sure everything is perfect for everyone all the time. They need their rest but I need my yoga! We’ve got to compromise babies!